Friend said I'm a bad parent as all my children have moved abroad

[andapenguinsir]

I have 4 DC, all between 20 and 28 Currently one lives in LA, another in Toronto, another in Dubai and another in Melbourne. Youngest is studying, next eldest moved in September after a job offer, next moved to Dubai for work last year and eldest did a gap year in Australia, met a girl, fell in love and was able to find work.

I'll be honest I find it really hard having my kids so far away but I'm proud of them all. Currently I visit them all once a year, the youngest comes home in the summer and at Christmas but enjoys spending spring break with her friends. My 2nd youngest is just settling into routine but he came home at Christmas and said he will come back in the summer for a week, but I expect this will decline to once a year as he mentioned that it takes up a lot of holiday to come home and he loves travelling. My son in Dubai comes home the most, probably every 3 months but for him he can usually tie in a work trip and my eldest comes home once a year, sometimes over Christmas but this year he didn't.

This means it's actually been a while since all my kids have been together at once.

The amount we call varies by kid but about once a week to once a fortnight across the board. We have a family group chat which thanks to time zones is basically active 24/7. They just send little updates etc.

Today I met with a friend who I haven't seen properly in years but we message often. She asked about the kids and I mentioned they all live abroad and she said "gosh what did you to do them to make them all move so far away".

She has 3 DC the furthest any of them live from her is 1.5 hour drive.

This really upset me as I feel like she was implying I must have been a bad parent for all my kids to want to move so far away.

AIBU to be hurt or could there be some truth in it?

I disagree, how could that be deemed as a joke? It was a terrible thing to say to OP and I can’t imagine anyone thinking it was something to laugh about.

Personality type. You've raised them to their type. (I've got one independent and one less so)

Maybe your friend is scared of losing her kids as she is more of a different type of personality and values closeness. No need to be so nasty in how she phrased it though.

Perhaps she thought you were bragging about their accomplishments and assumed you were judging her kids and their life choices. It was a massive assumption but explains why she said something so bitchy.

I'm impressed that your kids are so independent. I want that for my son. The world is a tough place. I think being adaptable and moving around for work will be really important in the future.

I also hope I will maintain my independence and not tie my kid/s down to one area. It's easier said than done because you love and miss them, and you can't control your health or their response to your needs. But you can try to plan as much as possible (saving for care, etc.)

I think you have done (and continue to do) a great job as a parent

Friend never said she was a bad parent.

It’s all in the delivery and how much you like your friend as a person. If the friend I have known my entire life said that I would a hundred percent take it as a joke. So maybe there are underlying things - friend not so nice or OP sensitive and self doubting to her kids being abroad

You have raised 4 adventurous, confident individuals who are throwing themselves into the world and all the amazing opportunities out there. You have done a wonderful job.

Wholeheartedly agree

They are confident enough to live independently and know they can come home to you. You haven't made them feel indebted to you either.

I felt I had to stay near my mum, we were close but our relationship could be rocky. Once she died, I moved miles away as I no longer felt that I had to stay. I've seen that so many times that people never travel or move out of their town because of family being sick or they wouldn't like it.

Please don't listen to her. Their proximity to you means nothing. She's likely insecure about her own children's relationships with her.

Reckon this will be us we have lovely vibe with our teens we enjoy spending time as a four and always have a laugh and fun times. But one is about to do a degree with a language and year overseas and the second is 16 going on 24 and vanishes to London and overseas with friends families so I can see them both vanishing off for a few years at least! Won’t take it personally want them to live their lives to the fullest. Would be far more worried if they settled down close by and weren’t happy.

Well said 👏

Your children sound like they’re living their best lives, happy and successful. Does she feel a bit jealous of their achievements?

I would say you are a hugely successful parent, as all your children are living successful, interesting lives. They are a huge credit to you.
It doesn't usually reflect well on a parent if their adult children are still tied to their apron strings. Who wants a child who is content with a small, narrow life and who can't function away from their parents? (Disability excepted, obviously).

They have a secure attachment with you that has enabled them to spread their wings. I wouldn't meet with that friend again, it was a cruel thing to say.

I haven't read the whole thread, but I'd think you'd been a great parent to have independent, confident, successful kids who are living the lives they want and seeing the world.

I was using the same language as the OP's post. And the friend's comment implied it.

Well, I moved abroad....
My parents were emotionally abusive arseholes to say the least.
😊

Ok, so she didnt actually said it, did she?
It could have been a bad joke :/
Also, her values are possibly set in a different way to yours so to her her children moving away would make her think she is a bad parent.
Anyway its a stupid thing to say and no wonder its upset you.

No it didn't. It was almost certainly a joke.

Adult kids move away for all sorts of reasons - some because their fantastic parents raised them to be brave and independent, others because they are running away from difficult, unsuportive parents. You will know which camp yours fall into.

We were independent children moving away after uni both abroad and uk. More difficult to keep in touch esp with young children . My dad died suddenly and I felt quite guilty and some of my parents friends dad did comment on my now bring home much. I did many shifts as a Jnr dr back then and although it was mostly unavoidable it does hurt when things go wrong and you do feel guilty.

It sounds like your kids have the lives they want and that’s what’s important.

Your 'friend' has some funny ideas! A mother's job is to make herself redundant - your children have the confidence to fly. Well done.

I disagree. A friend does not accuse you of driving all your children away. There's nothing funny in saying something like that.

The fact OP stated (incorrectly) that her friend called her a bad parent makes me feel OP is perhaps doubting herself and is projecting.

I have often wondered if both of mine will end up abroad as neither feel the UK is a place they see themselves in forever. If they do move abroad I won’t see it as a reflection of my parenting (good or bad) but as opportunities that have come their way. This is what has been your situation OP, your kids took opportunies, which is what life is about.

If a friend laughed and said “Crikey Mary what did you do to drive them away” you wouldn't laugh back and say something jokey in response? (I’m not talking about OP’s response but yours if your friend said it jokingly).