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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider not taking our 19 and 20 yr old on holiday this year

239 replies

Kinkyroots · 09/01/2025 19:31

As the title says - kids are 19 and 20. Eldest works in a minimum wage job/zero hours contract, allegedly pursuing a career as a tattoo artist, although there doesn’t seem to be much going on in relation to this. Is just starting to pay keep again after a pause to help finance driving lessons, which have been stopped after losing confidence with the instructor.

Youngest started Uni in Sept, despite promises has not got a part time job. There has been freshers flu and whooping cough but after an initial flurry no more applications and no job. There has been part time job that they had before uni offered some hours over Christmas which they declined. They get minimum maintenance loan so we are obviously subsidising everything. They don’t party so that isn’t a huge issue, but there’s a £5500 hole at least we have to fill for accommodation.

Would DH and I be awful to book a summer holiday for this year without them? There are obviously 4 adults to pay for, and it is getting unmanageable. They haven’t contributed anything ever to holidays, and DH says enough is enough.

So - yes YABU to book a holiday without them

No - YANBU go for it, they need to learn to start paying their way

Please be gentle 😳

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 09/01/2025 19:34

Do you even want to go on the same holiday as they do?

Or will you be paying for 4 adults to go on a holiday only 2 of them will enjoy, neither of which are you or your DH.

Needanewname42 · 09/01/2025 19:34

I maybe would go for a half way approach. If you want to come you need to pay half, or.pay your flights, something so it's not all bank of.M&D

tortiecat · 09/01/2025 19:35

The short answer is YANBU.
The longer answer is YANBU for all the reasons you've mentioned. They're not entitled to a free holiday and you're continuing to support them significantly - spend some of your presumably hard earned cash on just you and DH.

TippledPink · 09/01/2025 19:36

I think it's pretty normal to stop taking teens on holiday, even more so when they are adults! I took my 14 year old and 18 year old away this year- 17 year old didn't want to come. Think that was the last time, they didn't particularly enjoy it.

arcticpandas · 09/01/2025 19:36

I wouldn't dream of going with my parents on holiday when younger.. i saved and went with a friend. Yanbu!

Givemethreerings · 09/01/2025 19:37

Absolutely not unreasonable! My parents stopped paying for me to go on holiday with them at 18.

But more so this is a good opportunity to incentivise your children to work in order to have nice things like a holiday. How else will they learn this valuable and motivating lesson?

Grapefruitspoon · 09/01/2025 19:38

We’re not taking our 18 and 21 uni students this year, mostly because they can’t commit. They might get a better offer 🤣🤣

o

OtterlyMad · 09/01/2025 19:38

My parents stopped paying for me to go on holiday with them once I turned 16. I had a Saturday job and saved up to go away with my friends instead. Your children are now adults so it’s time for you and your husband to get your lives back and start prioritising yourselves again!

Holdonforsummer · 09/01/2025 19:40

If you ask them to pay half, it will be your money or their loan that pays so I wouldn’t do that. I’d explain they are skint students/young adults and therefore don’t get a major holiday this year. Tough love!

Axelotl · 09/01/2025 19:40

I went on last holiday with parents aged 18. Most of my friends were younger . So yanbu

2gorgeousboys · 09/01/2025 19:42

We paid for our children to come with us whilst at uni as any part time job was to supplement their day to day spending not save for a holiday. DS2 can't work part time due to disabilities anyway.

Since DS1 left university 3 years ago, we've paid for him to come away with us as he wouldn't be able to afford to otherwise and he's company for DS2 so it's also good for us. They want to keep coming with us and we love having them with us (although we also try to have a week without them which is equally lovely!).

Onelifeonly · 09/01/2025 19:43

Do they want to come? Could they pay some of the cost? We took our 19 year old this year - we wouldn't have minded not doing so but they wanted to come. They have been working for a year but we only asked them to pay their personal expenses - drinks etc, and they pay for their own expenses at home too (not bills) . I'd probably work up to a bit more next time but they have had MH issues so don't want to put too much pressure on.

PeriPeriMam · 09/01/2025 19:47

Go along and enjoy yourselves! Pretty likely you've both earned it. Encourage them to look for budget friendly stuff with their mates, maybe you can give them a small contribution for their spends. If you feel intractable guilt you can take them on holiday next year.

orangewasp · 09/01/2025 19:50

Of course not. I wouldn't have even thought of taking mine at those ages and very much doubt they'd have wanted to come.

Pinkissmart · 09/01/2025 19:57

It’s fine to not take them, but you seem a bit angry at your kids?

NinevehBabylon · 09/01/2025 19:58

Kinkyroots · 09/01/2025 19:31

As the title says - kids are 19 and 20. Eldest works in a minimum wage job/zero hours contract, allegedly pursuing a career as a tattoo artist, although there doesn’t seem to be much going on in relation to this. Is just starting to pay keep again after a pause to help finance driving lessons, which have been stopped after losing confidence with the instructor.

Youngest started Uni in Sept, despite promises has not got a part time job. There has been freshers flu and whooping cough but after an initial flurry no more applications and no job. There has been part time job that they had before uni offered some hours over Christmas which they declined. They get minimum maintenance loan so we are obviously subsidising everything. They don’t party so that isn’t a huge issue, but there’s a £5500 hole at least we have to fill for accommodation.

Would DH and I be awful to book a summer holiday for this year without them? There are obviously 4 adults to pay for, and it is getting unmanageable. They haven’t contributed anything ever to holidays, and DH says enough is enough.

So - yes YABU to book a holiday without them

No - YANBU go for it, they need to learn to start paying their way

Please be gentle 😳

OP, you’re definitely not being unreasonable.

Also, get your 19 year old to register as a tutor for Cambly. They are guaranteed to get work on there as an English conversation tutor with no preparation whatsoever. They just have to create a video and wait to be accepted. It is fully remote work and pays $10.20 an hour.

Original poster
Kinkyroots · 09/01/2025 20:06

Sorry if a little frustration came through on my post. Tonight they got ME to drive them to collect food for them both coming to nearly £40! This is after begging uni child to apply for more jobs, and for wrangling with the elderly one to up the keep by a few quid a month, and on the back of them just having a new tattoo done.

Thank you all, I am REALLY grateful for this input.

@NinevehBabylon thank you! I was pass that on

OP posts:
macap · 09/01/2025 20:06

God NBU. Go and enjoy yourselves. Grin

I8toys · 09/01/2025 20:07

YANBU but I still love taking our kids 19 and 21. We don't see them when they're at uni so I love the time we spend together. Just been to Malta before Christmas and it was so nice to spend time together as a four again. We have Bucharest and Sweden booked this year so I am sure they will join as they love learning about the history and cultures of different countries. DS1 usually then takes his mates to the places we've been to. He's like a tour guide.

spirit20 · 09/01/2025 20:09

Definitely don't pay for them, why on earth would you!

Leeds2 · 09/01/2025 20:10

YANBU at all. I would find their lack of application to finding any sort of paid employment to make me not want to fund their holiday.
But, do they actually want to come with you?

Original poster
Kinkyroots · 09/01/2025 20:28

@Leeds2 they do want to come, they’re not daft! Neither of them are party animals and are quite comfortable spending the time with us, and allowing us to bankroll it!

I’m feeling much less guilty now for even considering it. DH raised it after hearing the altercation about them spending money on luxuries and just letting us pay for everything else.

OP posts:
OldTinHat · 09/01/2025 20:43

My once 16yr old flat out refused to ever come on holiday with me ever again.

And didn't.

I then took younger DC by 18m on holiday a year later (so same kind of age), they also swore never again.

Leave them behind, OP!

OnceMoreWithAttitude · 09/01/2025 21:24

Would they like to come?
Would you enjoy a family holiday?

If so, I would do it. IF it can be afforded.

Wasn’t keen to push mine out of the nest.

Rocknrollstar · 09/01/2025 21:29

It honestly never occurred to me to take DC on holiday once they left school. they didn’t have holidays while at uni - they had jobs.