To consider not taking our 19 and 20 yr old on holiday this year

[Kinkyroots]

As the title says - kids are 19 and 20. Eldest works in a minimum wage job/zero hours contract, allegedly pursuing a career as a tattoo artist, although there doesn’t seem to be much going on in relation to this. Is just starting to pay keep again after a pause to help finance driving lessons, which have been stopped after losing confidence with the instructor.

Youngest started Uni in Sept, despite promises has not got a part time job. There has been freshers flu and whooping cough but after an initial flurry no more applications and no job. There has been part time job that they had before uni offered some hours over Christmas which they declined. They get minimum maintenance loan so we are obviously subsidising everything. They don’t party so that isn’t a huge issue, but there’s a £5500 hole at least we have to fill for accommodation.

Would DH and I be awful to book a summer holiday for this year without them? There are obviously 4 adults to pay for, and it is getting unmanageable. They haven’t contributed anything ever to holidays, and DH says enough is enough.

So - yes YABU to book a holiday without them

No - YANBU go for it, they need to learn to start paying their way

Please be gentle 😳

If you'll all enjoy it and have a good time together, take them. If not there's no point anyway.

You are absolutely NOT unreasonable to go alone with your DH. Your kids are adults now and so their hols cost more, they can start planning their own lives more etc.

However, I don't think there's an age limit or a point at which you "shouldn't" take them away, per se. Life is so short... So what if they sometimes benefit from bank of mum and dad? That's great fortune and love. If you all get on well and enjoy holidaying together, it's money well spent.

But again, it's totally up to you. If it was some bucket list destination, I'd try my hardest to take them. If it's something less exciting/not once in a lifetime, then perhaps not. If I was flush with cash though, then there's noone else on earth id rather go on holiday with than my children,seeing the world anew through their eyes is such a buzz at any age.

It never occurred to me that my dc 19yrs and 20yrs wouldn't want to come on the family summer holiday. I'll definitely continue to pay for them to come but they cost me very little money as they both work, drive and pay their way. I think your approach makes perfect sense op, you're shelling out loads of money on them already so if they want a holiday they can pay for it and organise it themselves.

They won't be motivated to earn money, or manage what they have more carefully, until there's stuff that they that they can't afford. Subsidising them is counter-productive.

Could you offer something else, such as matching what they manage to earn (or a percentage)?

Our DCs are 17 and 18 and this will be our approach this year.

We went with them to the Maldives in October so they can't really complain!

DS218 wants to go away with his mates before Uni but nothing planned yet.

DD17 is going to Reading in August and is extremely excited about it.

I think they'll be ok.

Obviously you don’t have to take them on holiday but unless it’s genuinely unaffordable, I think it’s a bit sad that you no longer want to share that experience with your kids unless they contribute financially.

I wouldn't be taking them on holiday. They don't need any more excuses to prevent them from working.
Our DS no longer came on holiday with us once he left school. He worked FT during the Uni summer holidays to subsidise his living costs in term time.
It sounds to me like your DCs need to learn some hard facts about life - you want it, you pay for it!
Our DS didn't get a holiday for about 5 years, until he could afford to pay for it himself. And even then, his destination was chosen based on cheap flights and accommodation (fortunately he's not a resort holiday type of person).

Sounds like maybe you are a bit frustrated with them, a holiday and a little separation might do you all good. Just because they don't come this time doesn't mean they can't next time (or the time after that).

No, go on your own. They sound Luke they need to get off their asses and start paying for themselves, I don't think a free holiday would be encouraging that

I would definitely expect a uni student to be working, interning and maybe some independent travelling through the summer. And the other young person to have a job or be actively job seeking and so unable to commit to a holiday.
id probably suggest a family weekend away at some point instead of a family holiday and dh and I will go out of school holidays so the prices are more sane.

I think it sounds as though you are soft with them most of the time (ie food run), and then want to come down hard on them for the holidays for allowing you to be soft, which is a little inconsistent.
As far as taking them on holiday, I probably would if they wanted to come. I see it as you are going to get less and less quality time with just the four of you as they get older. It depends in your budget though.

I went on my last family holiday at 16. At 17, my parents left me at home and went to NZ for 4 weeks. They didn't even think to ask me to come.

Leave them at home. Sounds like they both need to grow up a bit and learn some independence. You don't want to be stuck with both of them at 30+ mooching off you OP.

I voted yanbu to leave them behind not pay and go on your own

However if you do really want to go away with them and they happily will come with you and you all enjoy the family time... its also a shame to not go.

So if that is the case, one final paid for holiday and very clear message that we won't pay 100% after this.... and then u figure out if you are happy paying anything going forward eg) flights only or villa / hotel only or food only etc.

Doing it that way isn't so severe and "we don't want you"

Only you know your family dynamics / £ situation etc

Goodness. We are outliers. My DD's still come on main summer holiday with us. We all actually like spending time together! They are 20's, mixture of uni and working. We pay accommodation for everyone, the working ones pay flights.

My friends kids, and now partners also all seem to have family holidays together too. All mid late twenties.

There is no obligation to take your children as adults on holiday. We did take DS and his GF away for a week , they broke up just before Christmas. Lesson learned there but they had been together 4 years by that point. DS would happily come away with us as we get on well. At those ages he came on two cruises with us, he said he could not afford this kind of holiday so yes please. He did also go on holidays with his GF and mates.

Mine has worked from 13 and apart from doing his A levels during Covid and it taking him 6 months to find something but this was in lockdown times he has worked always. So I suppose that’s a very different angle from your two.

Why did you choose to drive adults and pay £40 for their takeaway? You should have laughed at that demand and said 'no thanks!'

How will they function when they have no grasp on employment, money or budgeting?

Go on your own as a couple, enjoy the saving of not going in school hols and have a great time.

My early 20s DDs still enjoy a holiday with us. We do pay, as although they both work very hard, they aren't on good wages and couldn't afford their rent/mortgage and a holiday. We do go away on our own as well.

So I do see what you're saying about their work ethic and maybe taking stuff like that for granted.

My parents never took me on holiday after 16.

They also never bankrolled me at college - I had to get a job to be able to afford new clothes, make up etc.

University I know is a bit different now but I wouldn’t be paying for luxuries for them if I was you.

In your circumstances YANBU.

I'm taking mine and I'm really looking forward to it, we all are, they'd be outraged if they hadn't been included but to be honest they know it's probably the last time. (Welcome to always come but they'll have to pay)

Eek I went with friends but parents always took me and sibling away too. Did villas etc and partners were always welcome.

This went on into our 20s (and beyond) and we just gradually took more and more financial responsibility.

Definitely fully paid for by parents until we left university though and heavily subsidised (as in just paid for flights) for a long long time.

Both of us still go away with our parents (and partners and kids) every year. Our parents are brilliant fun though.

i know our parents paid for us because they loved spending time with us and would rather pay for us than not have us there. OP if you don’t feel that way of course you don’t have to pay for them.

I didn't want to go on holiday with my parents at that age. There were different things that I wanted to do, different places that I wanted to go to and different people that I wanted to go with. Last time I went with them when I was 18 and it was horribly boring...

*Both of us still go away with our parents (and partners and kids) every year. Our parents are brilliant fun though.

i know our parents paid for us because they loved spending time with us and would rather pay for us than not have us there. OP if you don’t feel that way of course you don’t have to pay for them.*

@Autumn38 I'm never shaking my kids off. They love spending time with me, have been the same way all through their teens and now into young adulthood. They're great company, and bring some energy and diverse conversation.

YANBU, I think the last time I went on holiday with my parents and siblings was when I was 20 and a uni student- they did pay (I did have a summer job too).
They always offered when my siblings and me were in university but gradually we stopped wanting to go with them.
They wouldn't have paid for us once we were earning.

I wouldn't have thought it was standard to take adult kids on holiday with you. I don't think I or my siblings went on holiday with my parents after the age of about 16/17.