To consider not taking our 19 and 20 yr old on holiday this year

[Kinkyroots]

As the title says - kids are 19 and 20. Eldest works in a minimum wage job/zero hours contract, allegedly pursuing a career as a tattoo artist, although there doesn’t seem to be much going on in relation to this. Is just starting to pay keep again after a pause to help finance driving lessons, which have been stopped after losing confidence with the instructor.

Youngest started Uni in Sept, despite promises has not got a part time job. There has been freshers flu and whooping cough but after an initial flurry no more applications and no job. There has been part time job that they had before uni offered some hours over Christmas which they declined. They get minimum maintenance loan so we are obviously subsidising everything. They don’t party so that isn’t a huge issue, but there’s a £5500 hole at least we have to fill for accommodation.

Would DH and I be awful to book a summer holiday for this year without them? There are obviously 4 adults to pay for, and it is getting unmanageable. They haven’t contributed anything ever to holidays, and DH says enough is enough.

So - yes YABU to book a holiday without them

No - YANBU go for it, they need to learn to start paying their way

Please be gentle 😳

I think you are at an important point here where your children should now step-by-step begin transitioning towards independent adult lives.
They sound as though they are stuck in "child" mode. It isn't really a kindness to over-indulge them when they are not making their own efforts to support themselves financially.
Booking a holiday just for you and your husband this year would be a great statement of intent that you are more than a parental ATM. It is a line in the sand for them to see that things are changing. You could always invite them next year if you felt like it...

YANBU at all although we took our DD on holiday when still at university. Mainly as we wanted her to come and we all wanted time together as a family.

She's 26 now and still coming on a European break in April with us and her two younger (teen) brothers. I do love a bit of family get together but if DD was being a bit spoilt then it wouldn't be as appealing to bankroll a holiday.

What are dc 2s plans for summer? I wouldn’t book a family holiday as I’d assume they would be working/internship/travelling etc.
Mine Is yr1 at uni and we are currently all away on holiday fully paid for by us. It’s been nice to spend time together but that said she has her own plans for summer.
The turning down the Christmas hours is something to have a conversation about that would rub me up wrong way. You are paying your contribution of £5500 but they need to show willing.

My parents stopped taking me on holiday when I was 17. It wouldn't have even occured to them to take me. At the ages yours kids were, I couldn't have thought of anything less appealing, I much rather wanted to be with my friends!

I didn't go on any family holidays after the age of 17. Once I was at university I made my own summer travel plans with friends.

A summer holiday?

Oh, but you didn’t think they’d be able to come… As you assumed they’d be working… 😉

Why should the parents be restricted to when they go on holiday so kids don't feel like they are missing out? They are 19 and 20, not children. My parents went on all sorts of exotic holidays when I was at the age. At 19/20, I was old enough to realise I was an adult and that my parents were entitled to live their life and go where they want without the need to consult me.

YANBU. Tell them you are having a break.in your own be cause you want to spend time together. Book it.

I went on two holidays with my parents between the ages of 18 and 25

One was our "last hurrah", a holiday to Greece that got quite fractious at times - it became clear then we were after different things on a holiday. I like to go on shorter breaks to explore, my parents prefer to go on beach holidays where they do nothing for two weeks. My idea of hell!

The other was a huge family holiday, which went well.

Now I'm older, my dad and I have been on a couple of sports trips together, and they've been huge successes. We're going away in September as a family, but again this is to go and do things and not a beach trip. There is an expectation that my brother and I (both NMW workers) will make a contribution but we won't be expected to pay 25% each as that's simply out of our budget. We made it clear to our parents if we were asked to do that, we'd be travelling to our budget (think budget airlines, hand luggage only, absolute bare bones Airbnb and public transport both ways) and my mum put her foot down and said no.

To be honest I can't get the appeal of a big summer holiday with my family every year. I'd much rather use my annual leave in my own way, and spend time with my family at home.

Go away on your own and let them grow up into adulthood. It will do all of you good.

Our last family holiday was with the youngest teens at 16 & 18. Awful holiday.
I had rosy ideas of meals out together, shopping together, having a drink in the evening taking in the locality. Maybe swimming together, chatting over games.

The reality was they slept in all day and played on their phones all night. Neither went in the pool. Neither joined us for dinner. In fact we barely laid eyes on them all week.

With flights, car hire, insurance and accommodation it came in at £8k for what was in essence a simple week away. We had to factor in the school holidays so it was expensive.

Never again.

We have said we'd love to go away with them one day, hopefully as grandparents and when they pay for the holiday.

I wouldn't book a holiday without my children if they still wanted to come with us.

Do they even want to come? I don't know really because my parents decided for us that we "obviously didn't want to come with them" from about age 14 and just left us home alone so I was always if the opinion I would never go on holiday without my kids but this year 17 year old DS has 2 holidays with friends booked and so no time to take off work to come with us so seems it will just be us two and DS2.

Yanbu, my eldest has gone her own holidays multiple times a year since she was 17 now and only been away once with us last Christmas. My middle is 15 and has advised me next summer will be her last with us and after that she will be doing the same as her sister and holidaying with friends.

I asked not to go at 16, but had to. Didn't go at 17 and went with my friends from 18 onwards. Summer job paid for my holidays as I am old enough to have gone to university before fees and ludicrous rents.
Don't take them!

Sounds like they need to start paying for more stuff at home. Summer work would help with this or maybe an internship to help get experience. Go on holiday without them, I think it's completely normal post school to do that, they probably won't enjoy it much anyway.

I’ve taught plenty of students over the years whose parents said it was money to top up the loan to live away OR stay at jobs and go to local uni and come on holiday - but not both.

We paid for DS23 to go on holiday with us - but 1. We could afford it, 2. He was very grateful, and 3. He was not wasting money on luxuries.

If he had argued the toss with us about his board and expected lifts everywhere there would have been no invite.

Stay at home, that should read.

I hated being dragged around on family holidays from about the age of 12, all stately homes and visiting museums both were rush around so could 'fit more in the day' type things. Stayed with my grandad and had a fab time.
My dc chose to stop holidays with us when they were 16 /17, they were happy and so were we.

We go on holiday with our 17 and 20 year DC still but we all enjoy being a family unit and have so much fun when together.
The DC have part time jobs around full time studies which goes towards their living expenses, but they certain dont' have extra for a holiday. But then they work hard, get good results and aren't taking the mick. If they did, I probably would feel differently.

Yanbu to go on holiday without them.

I wouldn't be paying for them to go anywhere either. If they had jobs and i could afford it i might but as you are encouraging them to learn the value of money definitely don't.

We don't even take the 15 year old, he stays at home with his older brothers (he didn't want to come). The older ones don't want to come with us anyway, would rather go with GF

I was 16 when I last went on holiday with my parents. The following year friends went to Spain but the world was a lot different back then. You could pick up part time work in retail or at any of the big supermarkets just about anywhere and a week in Ibiza was dirt cheap. Not so easy today. My daughter got a part time job a local independent coffee shop but 100 people applied for that. And it’ll get worse.

I would say though, don't start bragging about it.

My parents are accustomed to 4 foreign trips a year and couldn't get abroad last year due to multiple illnesses and deaths in the family. They got away on multiple UK breaks though

They've spent the last six months complaining, while I've been on one holiday in the last five years. It's really draining to hear them complain when they've got a three week Caribbean break booked and my first break from work will be in September. Just be mindful of that.

I have a 19 year old son. He didn't come on holiday with us last year (he was waiting for interviews) but is coming this year. He bought his own flight and needs his own spends but we are paying for the air b and b and food. Don't feel obliged to bankroll them!