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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider not taking our 19 and 20 yr old on holiday this year

239 replies

Kinkyroots · 09/01/2025 19:31

As the title says - kids are 19 and 20. Eldest works in a minimum wage job/zero hours contract, allegedly pursuing a career as a tattoo artist, although there doesn’t seem to be much going on in relation to this. Is just starting to pay keep again after a pause to help finance driving lessons, which have been stopped after losing confidence with the instructor.

Youngest started Uni in Sept, despite promises has not got a part time job. There has been freshers flu and whooping cough but after an initial flurry no more applications and no job. There has been part time job that they had before uni offered some hours over Christmas which they declined. They get minimum maintenance loan so we are obviously subsidising everything. They don’t party so that isn’t a huge issue, but there’s a £5500 hole at least we have to fill for accommodation.

Would DH and I be awful to book a summer holiday for this year without them? There are obviously 4 adults to pay for, and it is getting unmanageable. They haven’t contributed anything ever to holidays, and DH says enough is enough.

So - yes YABU to book a holiday without them

No - YANBU go for it, they need to learn to start paying their way

Please be gentle 😳

OP posts:
InvisibilityCloakActivated · 09/01/2025 21:34

Go without them! You won't be tied to the academic holiday times, and if you are paying for 2 rather than 4 you can go somewhere new and exciting!

Onthego25 · 09/01/2025 21:35

I'll take mine on our hols for as long as they would like to join us.

EmeraldRoulette · 09/01/2025 21:39

Why did you drive them to get expensive food? How much food was it, you paid? What will it cover?

I was going to ask why they turned down work at Christmas but if you are subbing them then I guess I know the answer.

I am baffled why you'd consider taking them on holiday in this situation.

Passthecake30 · 09/01/2025 21:45

I can see myself in this situation one day, I think I’d try a compromise, short break with them and a separate break with dp, so they get to learn that they don’t always get to come!

TeenageRooster · 09/01/2025 21:51

I'd be saying 'best not to count you in because you're bound to have other things going on, events with friends,work shifts'

PatchworkElmer · 09/01/2025 22:02

I’m trying to remember how my parents did this. I think one year they just said “we’re off to Egypt on these dates, here are the flight numbers”. Sister and I didn’t think anything of it.

OhCobblers · 09/01/2025 22:02

Kinkyroots · 09/01/2025 20:06

Sorry if a little frustration came through on my post. Tonight they got ME to drive them to collect food for them both coming to nearly £40! This is after begging uni child to apply for more jobs, and for wrangling with the elderly one to up the keep by a few quid a month, and on the back of them just having a new tattoo done.

Thank you all, I am REALLY grateful for this input.

@NinevehBabylon thank you! I was pass that on

I was wavering in my thoughts on your first OP (if you can afford to take them then do) but having read this I'd say tough love as a previous poster mentioned and head off just the two of you AND enjoy it!!

GooseMoose2 · 09/01/2025 22:08

They are 19 and 20, let them do there own thing and enjoy your holiday.

AxolotlEars · 09/01/2025 22:12

Kinkyroots · 09/01/2025 20:06

Sorry if a little frustration came through on my post. Tonight they got ME to drive them to collect food for them both coming to nearly £40! This is after begging uni child to apply for more jobs, and for wrangling with the elderly one to up the keep by a few quid a month, and on the back of them just having a new tattoo done.

Thank you all, I am REALLY grateful for this input.

@NinevehBabylon thank you! I was pass that on

I don't ever understand people saying "they got you" to do something! You did it. You chose to....for whatever reason.

We take ours on holidays...camping 🤣 well, actually in a caravan.

ChillWith · 09/01/2025 22:13

No, you're nor being unreasonable. You have adult kids who must now want to make their own ways in the world. I'm sure your child at uni will either want to work next summer or go on holiday with friends?

strawberryblue · 09/01/2025 22:14

Do you want them to come?

If so maybe ask them to pay half? That may spur uni child on to actually get a job!

pilates · 09/01/2025 22:18

Go on your own - sounds like you deserve a good holiday.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/01/2025 22:23

I would go without them but during the uni term time eg June or late September so they don't feel missing out and so I can see them in the uni holidays and also so it's cheaper

LuckyPaisley · 09/01/2025 22:25

I'd not only not take them on holiday but I'd be withdrawing a lot of other support. I get the impression you're a bit too soft on them - the food pick up suggests that. It is a hard transition to get them to be independent sometimes but it sounds like they need life to be made a little less cushty for them to force them to get off their arses.

Chariots77 · 09/01/2025 22:25

I was left at home and uninvited by my parents from 16 - of course yanbu OP, book your holiday and enjoy 😁

Nourishinghandcream · 09/01/2025 22:33

I stopped going away with my parents when I was sixteen.
I was my own person making my own way in the world and TBH wanted a different holiday to them (no issues, loved our family holidays growing up but at sixteen I wanted to be away with friends my own age.

2chocolateoranges · 09/01/2025 22:33

We still take our youngest who is 21, id still take the eldest (23) as they aren’t interested in our type of holiday and hate the sunshine. I’ll probably take dd until she doesn’t want to come on our summer holiday. Dh and I still get a holiday in the winter just the two of us too.

however both of mine work either full time or part time, they put their all into their uni work and I don’t have to drive them everywhere because they both have paid for driving lessons and passed their tests. Hey also both offer to buy a take away at least once a month.

on holiday they pay towards meals and drinks out .

VoltaireMittyDream · 09/01/2025 22:35

I stopped going on family holidays when I was about 16. No need to bring them with you.

Original poster
Kinkyroots · 09/01/2025 22:36

To be totally honest, we used to love our holidays with them when they were younger, but the last 2 (bloody expensive) holidays were hard work.

The money is now an issue where it didn’t used to be, mainly by virtue of the amount of financial support for uni. Of course, a job for this dc would help everyone. I think dc #1 has to appreciate the value of money and budgeting, and the other has to learn about paying their way regardless. That’s on me, and I guess this is a good starting point.

I like the idea of giving them both a bit to go on their own holiday, with friends or each other. Will see how the finances go as we move through the year.

OP posts:
notnorman · 09/01/2025 22:37

Onthego25 · 09/01/2025 21:35

I'll take mine on our hols for as long as they would like to join us.

Me too

2chocolateoranges · 09/01/2025 22:41

Onthego25 · 09/01/2025 21:35

I'll take mine on our hols for as long as they would like to join us.

I still go away for a weekend with my mum each year (I’m in my 40s)and she still insists on paying for the hotel and most meals out and activities we do, it makes her happy.

Original poster
Kinkyroots · 09/01/2025 23:17

And if we could afford it and them clearly enjoy it, I am sure we would feel the same.

OP posts:
BeAzureAnt · 09/01/2025 23:26

Kinkyroots · 09/01/2025 22:36

To be totally honest, we used to love our holidays with them when they were younger, but the last 2 (bloody expensive) holidays were hard work.

The money is now an issue where it didn’t used to be, mainly by virtue of the amount of financial support for uni. Of course, a job for this dc would help everyone. I think dc #1 has to appreciate the value of money and budgeting, and the other has to learn about paying their way regardless. That’s on me, and I guess this is a good starting point.

I like the idea of giving them both a bit to go on their own holiday, with friends or each other. Will see how the finances go as we move through the year.

Edited

Go on your holiday and enjoy it. If your DC don’t have repercussions for not shifting for themselves, they won’t do it.

pilates · 10/01/2025 04:50

“I like the idea of giving them both a bit to go on their own holiday, with friends or each other. Will see how the finances go as we move through the year.”

Holidays are a luxury not a necessity. You are doing more than enough for both of them and they don’t even sound appreciative.

Cornwallian · 10/01/2025 05:07

The issue here is more that you don’t massively want to holiday with them and you are finding them frustrating. In that case don’t holiday with them as it’s paying money for something you won’t enjoy.

We do still take our 19 year old eldest child on family holidays because we adore her company, we love being all together as a complete family unit and holidays are now a way to ensure uninterrupted time together. We will carry on inviting our kids for as long as they want to come and we all enjoy time like that together. I hope that’s a very long time.

But thats a different situation to yours. If your kids aren’t trying to make family time pleasant, aren’t thinking of you and are being selfish then make the choices you need to.

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