To consider not taking our 19 and 20 yr old on holiday this year

[Kinkyroots]

As the title says - kids are 19 and 20. Eldest works in a minimum wage job/zero hours contract, allegedly pursuing a career as a tattoo artist, although there doesn’t seem to be much going on in relation to this. Is just starting to pay keep again after a pause to help finance driving lessons, which have been stopped after losing confidence with the instructor.

Youngest started Uni in Sept, despite promises has not got a part time job. There has been freshers flu and whooping cough but after an initial flurry no more applications and no job. There has been part time job that they had before uni offered some hours over Christmas which they declined. They get minimum maintenance loan so we are obviously subsidising everything. They don’t party so that isn’t a huge issue, but there’s a £5500 hole at least we have to fill for accommodation.

Would DH and I be awful to book a summer holiday for this year without them? There are obviously 4 adults to pay for, and it is getting unmanageable. They haven’t contributed anything ever to holidays, and DH says enough is enough.

So - yes YABU to book a holiday without them

No - YANBU go for it, they need to learn to start paying their way

Please be gentle 😳

Just be honest. You can't afford to pay for their holiday as you're subsidising uni, living etc. £5500 would pay for a nice holiday for them both. I'd suggest that if they can get a job and pay their way, they are more than welcome to join you.

We still take our dd on holiday with us, the difference is she pays for her flight and hotel out of her part time job and we pay for food, drinks and fun etc when we're out there.

OP, they are clearly work shy and you paying £40 on food is a joke.

We have plenty of money and my two at university have part time jobs, a non negotiable.

I won't insist on them working for their final year as they are doing hard degrees but it is very important the pay for their own social lives.

IMO it really reduces the appetite for alcohol when you work hard to pay for it.
They both know the value of money through doing shitty minimum wage jobs.
These are good life lessons.

Of course YANBU. I never went on holidays with my parents after I was 15.

@Kinkyroots - personally I think yabu in this scenario.

If you can't afford it - yanbu. If they don't particularly want to go - yanbu. If you just want some time just you and DH - yanbu.

But you have two teens who still love holidaying with their parents. That won't last much longer! They sound like good kids and you've not got much to complain about - one only started uni in September and has had whooping cough which typically lasts three months and you're annoyed they haven't got a job yet? Even if the older one doesn't seem to be working to their full potential, it's not fair to lump them both in together either.

Taking them to pick up food - separate issue. Just tell them no if you don't want to do it. But there's no need to be so all or nothing. Why not suggest an affordable contribution that they can make to the holiday as a compromise? A certain amount towards food and if they want to do activities they pay for that themselves? Then they can choose whether they'd rather holiday with you or keep buying £40 takeaways.

Honestly teenagers and young adults can be a nightmare- they will both have been at a critical time when covid hit. Yet they sound like they are doing ok. They won't want to join you on holiday forever!

If you can afford it, and want to enjoy time with your kids, why not pay for them to come on holiday with you?

My DS is 20 and we had a long weekend away together and he had a longer break with some friends. He does have a part-time job, but it's not necessarily that easy to get one in a uni town to fit around lectures, he didn't get one till the summer of first year.

About your tattootist DS, can he get a properly paying part-time job to fit around his tattoing - an evening bar job would be perfect.

My last holiday with my family as a child was aged 17, but they didn't go on the sort of holidays we go on - caravanning in UK, so very different from what our children have experienced. However they did start doing more exciting holidays after my brother and I had gone to university and they still had our younger sibling who went with them - combination of my dad earning more and only having 3 people to pay for, I assume. We've had family holidays since, but rarely.

Our eldest has stopped coming. They don't like the type of holidays we go on. Youngest still keen to come at 19 but we're hoping they may start to holiday with friends / partner soon. We have had a couple of weekends away without them. I suggested they might pay a bit towards their next holiday with us but didn't get a good response..... have planted the seed though. (Back story is they waste a huge amount of money on buying new things they don't need and frequently are skint at the end of each month.)

Of course YANBU. They should be making their own holiday plans at their age.

Just tell them the moment has passed and you and DH want to go alone. That’s healthy for you and for them. Cut the apron strings- you’re doing them a favour.

My DD (23) wants to come to Malta with us this year, but will pay for herself. The last few years she has gone on holiday with her mates and paid for herself. We did however pay for her to come abroad with us a few years ago, but it was her 21st birthday. She did also have a week away with uni mates that year, that she managed to save for.

I think they're old enough to understand if you dress it up like you want some alone time with partner. Sometimes them missing out will become a motivation for them to work harder and achieve more...

As I mentioned a few pages back, I was irritated after their food run and it kinda came out. We do enjoy spending time with them, and spend time together as home as much as they want.

We did say last year that the family holidays are no longer affordable, and this against the background of the lack of drive for getting a bit more financially independent, and the hideous uni cots, is what led us here. Were money no object then I am sure we would take them (glued to their phones/complaining/sleeping!). We unfortunately cannot print money, and bankrolling everything is making it more and more difficult. Over the years we’ve had some amazing holidays as a family but it is getting harder and harder.

Nothing has to be forever. I’d just say me and dad are going to Spain in August. Things change maybe you’ll want to invite them next holiday or a city break etc. Don’t make a big deal of it. Telling them now they can make their own plans.

Soon as my kids left college, they paid their own way.

yeesh, i would hate to have had you as a parent.

Yanbu at all

YANBU! My parents stopped paying for our holidays when we turned 18. I think thats fair enough. They took us and our partners on one special Florida holiday at 21 but they only paid for flights & hotel. We had to pay for park tickets and spends.
They are old enough to start paying their own way, even if you meet in the middle until after uni but definitely would be stopping at that point. Pay for flights and they pay for hotel?

My kids are similar ages 18 & 20 both live at home. One at uni , one working full time. For past few years we have all gone away together for a week in January when flights are cheap. They each contribute towards their flights & we pay the apartment. They pay their own drinks & spending.We get the shopping & a few meals out. For the summer my husband & I have booked a week away on our own for the first time after a successful long weekend away last year . They don’t want to come & want to do their own thing but we all enjoy the winter week & costs are more manageable for them than in the summer . They also contribute every month for their car insurance x

Both of us still go away with our parents (and partners and kids) every year. Our parents are brilliant fun though.
i know our parents paid for us because they loved spending time with us and would rather pay for us than not have us there. OP if you don’t feel that way of course you don’t have to pay for them.
Same here. It is a privilege to all be together and have fun. If it is not an affordable option though, then YANBU.

I like this idea in theory but in practise, they could agree to pay half, OP would then pay for the holiday and then feel obliged to still take them when they don’t cough up their half.

Unless she books it deposit only I guess.

Sorry meant to say re post above we do this as nain part of their Christmas gift & have hugely scaled down Christmas. Their bfs/gfs come too but they also pay their flights. I don’t think it’s too much to ask they can find money for all sorts of things when needed.

Most teens stop going on holiday with their parents at 16/17

Your kids sound like lazy freeloaders

At 19 & 20 no way should you pay for them to get away
You've both done your bit as parents, go and have all the lovely holidays as the two of you

Watching with interest as mine will be 17 and 20 this year. Eldest finally off to uni in sept (i hope)

I am hoping next year they will want to go on [cheap] holidays with friends and we can go with out them… just pissed myself laughing at the quote from Citalia that didn’t even include separate rooms for them (different sexes) as we could put them both up for a year at uni on that one, so thinking the time for holidays with us are nearing a close. Not least because eldest ‘didn’t fancy’ a luxury AI beach holiday with lots of cultural trips to classical sites included [despite going to read classic at uni] so started to dictate how mum n dad should spend their well earned money and annual leave. 🤬

Would leave her at home except that scuppers the dog sitting/house sitting arrangement we have as they are not insured if there is a resident. (She is AuDHD and a bloody liability, so can’t leave her with my spaniels!!)

I hate going on holiday without the kids, we always go in October and now my eldest is at uni she can’t come and it doesn’t feel the same anymore.
Obviously if you can’t afford it you can’t afford it which is the bottom line.

Do it! They wouldn’t invite you or pay for you if they didn’t want you on a holiday with their mates 🤷‍♀️

Middle ground. Just the two of you this year, term time, but maybe invite them next year.

I have a friend who continued to take his grown up daughters away into their early twenties. He really looked forward to spending that time with them and I thought how cool that he just genuinely loves their company, and they still want to go. I would love if we could still invite ours like that one day, and like them enough that we'd be genuinely pleased if they said yes.

In the real world of course it's not all sunshine and rainbows, but I still favour being generous and inclusive when you can be, because it seems to breed nicer adults. I don't think mine would become more thoughtful or grateful if left at home. But you know best what works with your kids. And if you just need a break from them, that's enough of a reason in itself.

my children came on holiday with us when they were both at uni, at our expense though they both had pt jobs. They didn’t get up till midday and went to bed in the early hours having graciously consented to come out for a meal which we paid for. We barely saw them so it was the last family holiday for a while.

Now they’re married with children we have family holidays again, it’s lovely. They keep normal hours and we get up after they do unless a gc sneaks in.