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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider not taking our 19 and 20 yr old on holiday this year

239 replies

Kinkyroots · 09/01/2025 19:31

As the title says - kids are 19 and 20. Eldest works in a minimum wage job/zero hours contract, allegedly pursuing a career as a tattoo artist, although there doesn’t seem to be much going on in relation to this. Is just starting to pay keep again after a pause to help finance driving lessons, which have been stopped after losing confidence with the instructor.

Youngest started Uni in Sept, despite promises has not got a part time job. There has been freshers flu and whooping cough but after an initial flurry no more applications and no job. There has been part time job that they had before uni offered some hours over Christmas which they declined. They get minimum maintenance loan so we are obviously subsidising everything. They don’t party so that isn’t a huge issue, but there’s a £5500 hole at least we have to fill for accommodation.

Would DH and I be awful to book a summer holiday for this year without them? There are obviously 4 adults to pay for, and it is getting unmanageable. They haven’t contributed anything ever to holidays, and DH says enough is enough.

So - yes YABU to book a holiday without them

No - YANBU go for it, they need to learn to start paying their way

Please be gentle 😳

OP posts:
ELMhouse · 15/01/2025 18:53

JustRollWithIt · 15/01/2025 18:35

Me too. Exactly this. 100%. Memories and family time is most important to me.

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And me 😊

pollymere · 15/01/2025 19:15

Our last holiday with DC was when they were 17. They didn't want to come after that!

fetchacloth · 15/01/2025 19:21

arcticpandas · 09/01/2025 19:36

I wouldn't dream of going with my parents on holiday when younger.. i saved and went with a friend. Yanbu!

Same here. As soon as I was able to go abroad with friends (18 years old), I did so.
I can't imagine why a 19 and 20 year old want to go on holiday with their parents, unless their parents are paying for it all. Even then I still would still have wanted to do my own thing, so I wouldn't have gone.

2chocolateoranges · 15/01/2025 19:38

fetchacloth · 15/01/2025 19:21

Same here. As soon as I was able to go abroad with friends (18 years old), I did so.
I can't imagine why a 19 and 20 year old want to go on holiday with their parents, unless their parents are paying for it all. Even then I still would still have wanted to do my own thing, so I wouldn't have gone.

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Dd still comes with us because we pay for her to come. She does buy the odd dinner and drinks when away.

she also goes abroad with her friends on holiday too and pays for it all. She likes both holidays as they are so different to each other and tbh I’d still go on holiday with my mum if she was paying for me to go too!

Sallyingon · 15/01/2025 19:59

Ours are 18 and 20 . We have booked accommodation.big enough for all of us and said if they want to come they have to get their own flights. I think the young one won't bother, would rather be home with his girlfriend without us and will likely go on holiday with his friends. The older.one already has a holiday booked with his friends but might still come with us. They're both working and we don't have lots of money, so I don't feel too guilty

MrsSunshine2b · 15/01/2025 20:20

Honestly I think it's a bit crazy you've been taking them until now. I think usually about 16/17 is when parents stop taking their kids on holiday, when they're no longer eligible for a discounted rate.

WhatMummyMakesSheEats · 15/01/2025 21:00

I stopped getting taken on holiday when I was 16. Partially finance though I assume also partially because a was a miserable cow getting dragged around without my friends or boyfriend.

2chocolateoranges · 15/01/2025 21:11

for me growing up it was different as my mum was on her own so I went on holidays with her until I was 18. We enjoy our adult children’s company, neither have a partner just now so if they want to come then we don’t mind as long as hey pitch in while on holiday eg dinner and drinks on occasion.

Housefullofcatsandkids · 15/01/2025 22:00

I'm shocked to see so many people saying their children stopped wanting to come on holiday by the time they were late teens! My older children (22 and 16) would absolutely come on any family holiday! My eldest has mostly paid for themselves though since age 18 (and shared the cost of meals etc.)

MrsSunshine2b · 15/01/2025 22:16

Doteycat · 14/01/2025 16:59

What a rediculous generalisation.
Mine are not entitled in the slightest. They know exactly where every penny comes from and know how lucky they are to have what we have.
Nor "should" every student be working, Mine are busy enough with their course, their extra curriculum activities, their volunteering and any free time they have spent with friends. Ive no interest in making them manage a job as well. Time enough for that,.

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Fair enough in term time, but Uni students get almost 5 months a year of holiday! They should at least be taking on work over the summer break, which is usually from early June to late September, and picking up shifts over Christmas too.

Cynic17 · 15/01/2025 22:25

Surely at their ages they wouldn't want to go on holiday with The Olds? But, yes, at 18 upwards they are (or should be) independent adults. As a minimum, if they do want to go on holiday with you then they have to pay their own way.

Pumpkintopf · 15/01/2025 22:42

You do understand that they are only getting minimum loan because of your family income? So you're just making up the difference between what they would have had as a loan and what they can get due to your income being higher?

That being said my two are both at uni and I'm looking forward to as many holidays with them as I can as I don't know how much longer they'll want to come with us!

GabriellaFaith · 16/01/2025 00:10

Personally, if my kids still wanted to go on holiday with me, I would rather do a cheaper holiday or loan than not take them. I know one day it will no longer happen and my time with them will be done as they will have their own lives and families. You don't have to pay their accommodation though. My parents never did. I got my own debt and cleared it after uni. Just something to think about. Might incenticise them to work.

Onlyme234 · 16/01/2025 00:44

My parents stopped taking me and my brother away when he turned 18 and I was 14. They'd leave us alone for a couple weeks and the neighbour would come in to check on us morning and night.
Even before that, my brother never wanted to go and would sit in the hotel room the whole time.
Why are you considering taking grown adults on a fully funded holiday? Seems silly to me

Cremeeggtime · 16/01/2025 06:55

I think that was really selfish of your parents, @Onlyme234 You were still a child. Did you get a separate holiday with/without them? Or just no holiday.

Ciri · 16/01/2025 07:07

Holidays are extremely expensive and if you can’t afford it you can’t afford it.

i do think you are being unreasonable about the job for tge student who has just started uni. They’re very difficult to come by unless they’re in London. University towns have thousands of kids all going after the same jobs and in todays world of zero hours contracts businesses don’t want students with variable timetables who are only around for 30 weeks of the year

InDogweRust · 16/01/2025 07:12

I wouldn't be putting up with this?! Being tight about paying keep while getting new tattoos? Turning down work over the christmas holidays? Cut them off. You are enabling them to behave this way

Parentingrollercoaster25 · 16/01/2025 07:13

Housefullofcatsandkids · 15/01/2025 22:00

I'm shocked to see so many people saying their children stopped wanting to come on holiday by the time they were late teens! My older children (22 and 16) would absolutely come on any family holiday! My eldest has mostly paid for themselves though since age 18 (and shared the cost of meals etc.)

I was thinking this exact thing 🤣🤣
I still enjoy holidays with my parents and alwaYe have - suppose it depends on the parents 🤣🤣🙈 my dad took me to my first night club in Tenerife 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Parentingrollercoaster25 · 16/01/2025 07:18

fetchacloth · 15/01/2025 19:21

Same here. As soon as I was able to go abroad with friends (18 years old), I did so.
I can't imagine why a 19 and 20 year old want to go on holiday with their parents, unless their parents are paying for it all. Even then I still would still have wanted to do my own thing, so I wouldn't have gone.

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You can still holiday with friends but enjoy a tamomt holiday …
maybe some teens their parents company and still enjoy spending time and making memories with them.
I went solo travelling and travelling with friends but still enjoyed a family holiday !

Ciri · 16/01/2025 07:21

My DC have all said they’re coming for as long as we are paying! The realities of the real world have started to kick in and they’re started to realise how lucky they are

Wildwalksinjanuary · 16/01/2025 08:20

Mine are similar ages. Yes we are still taking them on most holidays. Some are more enjoyable than others…so we are just finding our way as everyone has developed different tastes (including me)

YANBU to try a holiday as a couple. I wouldn’t frame it that they are not invited due to their limited means though. We would make a small contribution to their own plans in this scenario, so they could go with their friends instead.

Start saying no to the takeaways and luxuries or you are going to become very resentful and it will damage your relationship with them.

zingally · 16/01/2025 09:24

My older sister and I were about that age when it wasn't naturally assumed we'd be going on holiday with them. It was also assumed that the holidays we'd be interested in, weren't the ones my parents wanted to do.

Our parents went on some amazing holidays during that age, including a month in New Zealand and a 3-week US road trip. Oh well!

TanquerayTickles · 16/01/2025 10:58

YANBU in the slightest, everything depends on your family and your financial situation.

We're lucky in that our 18 year old uni student (and her boyfriend) still enjoy coming away with us so we're happy to pay while we can, they're also aware that if the situation ever changes they need to contribute.

Doteycat · 16/01/2025 11:16

MrsSunshine2b · 15/01/2025 22:16

Fair enough in term time, but Uni students get almost 5 months a year of holiday! They should at least be taking on work over the summer break, which is usually from early June to late September, and picking up shifts over Christmas too.

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Absolutely not over Christmas. The amount of coursework they have to do in the break makes that impossible.
Summer? Yes when they can get jobs, one dd did a J1 which doesnt generate much income, and the other on erasmus which didnt end until Aug and then college startedd again Sept 10th. Kinda hard to get a PT job in those situations.
Its not as simple as "pick up shifts".
As far as im concerned, their job is to graduate as well as they possibly can and its my job to facilitate that. If I can afford holidays as well, well happy days.
IF they want to come with, ill pay happily.

MrsSunshine2b · 16/01/2025 11:22

Doteycat · 16/01/2025 11:16

Absolutely not over Christmas. The amount of coursework they have to do in the break makes that impossible.
Summer? Yes when they can get jobs, one dd did a J1 which doesnt generate much income, and the other on erasmus which didnt end until Aug and then college startedd again Sept 10th. Kinda hard to get a PT job in those situations.
Its not as simple as "pick up shifts".
As far as im concerned, their job is to graduate as well as they possibly can and its my job to facilitate that. If I can afford holidays as well, well happy days.
IF they want to come with, ill pay happily.

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It depends on the course but it's entirely possible for most students to do a bit of part time work when retail/ the post office is extra busy and still complete their coursework. If you're in a position to fund them through Uni then it's nice for them I suppose. Most will have to work.