DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

I am absolutely prepared to offer childcare for my grandchildren in the future and I will absolutely entertain them without screens as much as I can rather than treat them as a default. I would much rather have a giggle with my grandchild over a game and make memories going out somewhere than scroll on my phone whilst they watch TV. And I’ll easily be able to prepare some health food options before they arrive!

This is really easy to say now, but you have absolutely no idea what you'll be capable of doing by the time you're a grandparent.

If you're not happy with the free care and support your MIL gives you, pay for more childcare. Complaining about some TV and chicken nuggets when she essentially saves you a day of childcare fees is pretty rich, imo.

OP, with all the best will in the world, why don't you buy some children's ready meals that are still healthy but just go in the microwave? Shepherd's pie, pasta dishes, curries etc. There are several brands that do them especially for children with less sugar/salt etc. Then you can just keep those in the freezer and give him those instead of nuggets and chips.

You shouldn't really be annoyed with MIL for something just because you want to do it yourself when there are alternatives and you don't actually need to.

I dont understand this obsessive need to control screen time...I have 3 grown up kids...all in professional careers...I let them watch way too much tv as youngsters as I found sitting on the floor pretending to be a princess or whatever really hard work.
My eldest at the age of 13 spent every waking moment on his xbox...he is now 27 and earning a fortune working for a tech company in London.
As for the diet issues once they get to a certain age and have access to their own money they will be living on chips...coca cola and other crap.
What your mum in law is doing with him now will have absolutely no effect on his health or well being...you need to back off and perhaps buy her a bunch of flowers and say thank you.

Well, what about it? The world won't end. What are you worried will happen?

MIL is retired. Therefore I also resent it a little bit that I have to juggle a job, being a Mum

Wow!!! She's RETIRED she's done her turn of working & being a Mum.

You sound incredibly ungrateful and resenting her for being at a stage in her life that she's earned is dreadful

I'd be happy if my mum offered to have one of mine for even half a hour for some tv and a chicken nugget tea. Honestly I'd let it go and appreciate the help. X

This is why people pay for nursery or childminder op. Because you're paying them to engage and stimulate your child etc.

If it's free childcare you cant really stipulate how they spend that time and if you don't like it you need to find another way.

Yes it's hard but you are in a privileged position to even be having someone willing to do this so I wouldn't go having conversations with her about this unless you want to end up with having to find paid childcare.

I don’t allow tv or freezer food neither (kid is too young for it anyway). But I do understand I can’t enforce this at someone else’s house so as it’s non negotiable for me I would look for alternative childcare of this is what would happen, with no hard feelings.

@JimHalpertsWife Yes I know this is part of being a mother. I just think when I have more time I’d help my DIL out a bit by not taking anll the shortcuts for the week. Especially if she was chronically ill.

You lost me at "resenting it a little"... honest to god OP you are getting free childcare from someone who loves your child, his childhood won't be ruined by tele and chicken nuggets.

Take a breath and pat yourself on the back for being a superior parent to most of us. Due to disabilities in my family I have children who thought Mr Tumble was a close relative and all meals some weeks came from the freezer- they are now beautiful well adjusted healthy bright teens, and also young carers. There are far more important things. Let him just love his time with his nan, nuggets n'all.

So they have him 8 hours a week?

You have a remainder of 160 hours in a 7 day week to feed and entertain him as you wish.

If you're not happy you should look for childcare elsewhere . But it's a shame to do that. Your child will remember and cherish these 'rule-free' times with their grandparents.

Well I for one fully understand. I have a chronic illness and sometimes have to feed myself some oven food because I'm not able to cook. I still think you're being hugely unreasonable and shouldn't raise this with your kind MIL.

So you can't manage your own child without "shortcuts" but you'll magically be able to do that for someone else's?

@Chilliinitiative

"The trouble is - if 2 nugget meals aren’t the end of the world. What about when there is a tricky day at some point in the week (there always is). Then it becomes 3 out of 7 main meals every week which I feel is too much. God forbid we have two tricky days! Then it’s 4 out of 7!"

So if you know this is likely to be an issue for you, why don't you batch cook and prepare some meals which can be frozen ahead of time and reheated for your LO and given at home on those days where you're unable to cook from scratch? Why is it up to your MIL to take steps to avoid the "4 out of 7" days a week, but not you or the child's father?

MIL is retired. Therefore I also resent it a little bit that I have to juggle a job, being a Mum and also sort food for when she has a lot more free time and better health than I do

I'm sorry but you signed up to have a child, not her.

Get your DH to batch cook so DS can have healthy reheated food at MILs house and you can all eat it when you are struggling. Why isn't he doing that anyway?

Very easy to say op when you aren't in the situation. Not to be rude but it's your choice to have children, not hers. She doesn't have to do you any favours looking after your child and you sound more ungrateful with every post.

I'd try asking her if she would consider helping you broaden his food horizons by serving him some good quality left overs (then she will probably cook for him) but I'd not worry about tv

Chilliinitiative · Today 15:09

** Yes I know this is part of being a mother. I just think when I have more time I’d help my DIL out a bit by not taking anll the shortcuts for the week. Especially if she was chronically ill

What’s that saying about good intentions?

Youll maybe feel differently in 20 years.

This.

Your MIL doesn't "need" to feed him nuggets, but nor do you.

And tbh if you pop a couple of frozen veg on the side of the nuggets and oven chips it's hardly so terrible that it's a problem a few times a week.

Your MIL may only be 61, but most people in their 60s are starting to slow down a bit and looking after a toddler is knackering even when you're in your 30s. Cut her some slack.

As a grandmother you will presumably be chronically ill then too?

But again, you have no idea how you'll feel and what you'll be capable of in the future. Especially as, with a DS, his window for having children is longer. It's quite conceivable that he'll have them during a period of your life when you've got the energy and stamina to have oven food and TV snuggles time, but not enough to provide the standard of care you expect of a grandparent now.

Why on earth are you comparing her to your imaginary version of yourself as a grandparent? I'm sure you're a very different parent to the one you thought you'd be (I know I am) and it's impossible to know how you'll be in another few decades. It's also irrelevant. You have a mother in law who will provide free love and care for 8 hours a week. This involves tv and beige food. Either accept it with grace or make alternative arrangements.

I'm still unclear why mil is bearing more of the brunt of the blame for the impact of your ill health than your child's father. Surely he can batch cook some healthy food you can pop in the microwave?

But kindly, you can’t even do that for your son 100% of the time.

You have absolutely no idea what you will (or won't) be able to do by the time you're a grandparent.