DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

Wow, so many judgemental posters.

@Chilliinitiative I totally understand where you're coming from. I think it's great your DMIL wants to spend time with her DGS. I think it should be noted that whilst yes she is doing you a favour, she wants to have your child. Just because she is watching your child, though, doesn't mean she can completely disregard your wishes.

Your DH sounds like a great guy who is happy to just chip and work as a team. I'd defo ask him to speak to them again, but as others have said, the likelihood of them listening seems to be slim. I guess you just need to weigh up whether you want to continue this way or maybe cut the days down to one and up his nursery days by one. IMO, YANBU but whether things change or not is another thing.

Good luck!

@BluntLemonDreamer

the grandma isn’t doing her grandson harm whatsoever though, so what needs to change ?

Honestly, let it go. I can see why it would be frustrating but I think you're only options are to let it go, or pay for different childcare. Making up meals in advance for her to give him is a great idea. But don't worry about the TV - you can't ask her to look after him and then dictate what they do together. Let her do it her way.

"Judgemental" for good reason!!

You are being very unreasonable and borderline controlling. Be grateful he is loved and cared for.

If you don't like the free childcare and food provided for your crotch fruit

Pay a nanny or a nursery

If you can't do that suck it up

This makes me laugh

You say your so ill you struggle to deal with your own child and will potentially resort to a fish fingers or nuggets for tea which means your mother in law isn't permitted to use them ...but you think you'll have the energy as a pensioner to play and giggle and enjoy games with future grands when you can't even muster up energy tonvook something you think your mil should cook

As a mother with pulmonary artery stenosis dignoised after birth just be greatful for the childcare and happy he is fed and had wonderful grandparenting time my children, have never had that / I've never had the support.
You could always look at different childcare arrangements make some fresh food to heat for him for at their home.

As a mother with pulmonary artery stenosis dignoised after birth just be greatful for the childcare and happy he is fed and had wonderful grandparenting time my children, have never had that / I've never had the support.
You could always look at different childcare arrangements make some fresh food to heat for him for at their home.

Dear god

Yes you should be EXTREMELY concerned by this very unusual behaviour

Why??

@mainecooncatonahottinroof well, exactly. Why would that be concerning?!

OK, get you now!

Just make sure you have non freezer food for the other 5 days if it bothers you that much you can easily have a few ready prepped meals for him that are easy to do on your ill days. That's just being a bit unprepared yourself. You could even ask DH to prepare extra when he cooks.
I remember when I hadn't given sweets to my one year old but she knew what they were as my gran has been whenever she had her. It made me cross but it didn't make any difference to them they just did what they wanted.

I get the screen thing. I never liked my kids watching anything but BBC kids as I don't like adverts lots of cartoons etc. I don't have a TV so that's not a problem with the grandkids now but some have been sent with their tablets as they will be 'bored' because we don't have a TV!

But your alternative is more nursery which would be a shame as it's nice for your child to go and you may rely on them more when you need them more.
Suck it up and make more effort with your own meals

Your DMIL does not owe you anything and I personally resent your assumption that because she's 61 (which is harly aged!), she should be at your beck and call.

She is doing you a huge favour looking after your kid for this amount of time.

There are children in the world being mistreated and neglected and you're here complaining about free childcare, chicken nuggets and TV.

If your DMIL is even slightly aware of how you perceive her, I hope she withdraws her offer.

Then you have another few hours a week to play the role of perfect parent.

You're being completely unreasonable.

Let me guess......first child?

I have 3 kids. By the time I got to number 3 we probably had far too much tv and screens and my 3rd has just scored in her CAT tests in the top 10% and is ridiculously clever so clearly did no harm. (Definitely doesn't get her intelligence from me 🤣)

I also fed all my kids very nice, extensive home cooked meals. My 3rd ate anything and everything as did my 1st. 2nd kid was fussy from day dot.

Now, as teens my 1st still eats anything, 2nd eats most things, 3rd eats an extremely limited diet. It's like she turned 3 and suddenly hated the textures of everything. She lives on chicken dippers, cheap microwavable mac & cheese, cereals and pepperoni pizza.

So just because your kid eats well rounded food now, doesn't mean she will continue to do so.

I do find it interesting that people view retired older people as having all this free time, therefore they should do this and this in this way and not as people who have already done the hard yards of parenting and actually want the enjoyment of being a grandparent.

She's not a parent now. Let her be a grandparent. Help your child to understand the difference between 'home' and 'Grandma's'. I did lots of stuff I wouldn't do at home at my Grandma's. I didn't expect it at home because home was different. You are the parent. She is the grandparent. It's a different role.

So sorry but you have someone who is looking after your child free of cost that too who is 61 years old be grateful and say thanks

You won’t win on MN!
whilst your MIL is fit, it is more exhausting looking after a toddler in your 60s than in your 30s.
my mil would have my kid on Saturdays and she was absolutely wiped out by the time we collected. She is almost exactly 60
year older than him so was a young retired person when he was born!

your kid is fed and loved. Let it go.

kids also start reducing their food likes as their palate develops. My toddler would eat all the veg when he was little. He’s 15 know and won’t touch a carrot or bit of cauliflower yet ate all of these when little

I don't think it's a matter of winning in Mumsnet as much as seeing what someone is trying to support you and it not being good enough. Appreciate it more or stop sending the child.

Sorry but just the term “oven food” put my back right up. Nothing wrong cooking with an oven.

why not provide the food you want your toddler to eat? If your MIL asks why you’re doing this, say you assumed she was having done financial issues to cut costs as she’s only giving him inexpensive food and you don’t want to cause them any hardship

if not, then put up with it. You can shears just not send your child. If there is no allergies you ghouls think about your battles.

If your MIL asks why you’re doing this, say you assumed she was having done financial issues to cut costs as she’s only giving him inexpensive food and you don’t want to cause them any hardship

Please don't do this. That would be insane and actively unpleasant.

how should be food be cooked other than an oven?

? Sorry?