DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

I've been in a similar situation, and sometimes I just have to grit my teeth and accept that the cost of free childcare is accepting they will do things how they do them.
I'm not a great fan of how much sugar my child has but have to see it as part of the bigger picture.
If I wanted no TV and 'healthy' food I'd have to pay for nursery.
Rather than a full on attack where she gets defensive I think it's more helpful to try to do 'tweaks'.
So I sent some alternative less sugary versions of snacks and said oh he really likes these so thought he might want some at yours.
I also said he was a bit constipated so asked if they could give him sweetcorn and some extra fruit etc which they did.

YABVU. Make your child his own packed lunch and send it off with him to your dmil.

You’re coming off as very ungrateful. Put your child into full time nursery if it bothers you so much. Then again, he won’t be having home cooked nutritional meals there either.

Unless its a day you're tired and struggling though OP?
How do you know she's scrolling on her phone? They could be watching together and having a giggle, that's possible too.

Your standards for a theoretical you decades into the future that you've got no way of knowing if you'll meet aren't something you can expect of someone else for free now, no.

The trouble is - if 2 nugget meals aren’t the end of the world. What about when there is a tricky day at some point in the week (there always is). Then it becomes 3 out of 7 main meals every week which I feel is too much. God forbid we have two tricky days! Then it’s 4 out of 7!

Let it go OP. Be happy a grandparent takes an interest and is willing to do this for you. Some oven chips/chicken nuggets and screen time are not going to scar your kid for life.

Chilliinitiative · Today 14:59

I am absolutely prepared to offer childcare for my grandchildren in the future and I will absolutely entertain them without screens as much as I can rather than treat them as a default. I would much rather have a giggle with my grandchild over a game and make memories going out somewhere than scroll on my phone whilst they watch TV. And I’ll easily be able to prepare some health food options before they arrive!
But I am obviously being unreasonable. My standards are obviously too high and I can’t expect them of anyone else

Prmadonna isn’t attractive.

Sorry but with a chronic illness as parent to a young child, you’ll likely struggle more as you age. We all do.

Lots of parents live by your “standards” and higher.

Grandparents have no obligation to do so. You don’t like it, fine, stop sending him.

What does your husband think?

Presumably you don't know what it is like to be 51 either tbh.

But maybe your "standards will be higher" than hers hey.

Presumably your husband turned out ok after being dragged up to her standards?

So why not just put him in nursery ft and then MIL can dip in when is needed for when you have flare ups / worse days?

@heretodaybutgonein2 She is well aware. She has seen me at my worst on many occasions. It isn’t brushed under the carpet. My DH speaks to his parents about it often. If they don’t grasp how hard it is now I don’t think they ever will.

Little kids are pretty resilient. My nephew only wanted to eat Cheerios for a while. He grew up fine. Don't fret. You just have to be a good enough parent for your child to thrive, not a perfect one. Your kid is with his grandparents for a few hours a week. That's awesome!

Exactly, my own 2 year old can drive me round the bend. Other people's I wouldn't even have all afternoon. Be grateful you've got free childcare and your little one isn't going to be harmed by a bit of tv and nuggets and chips

Then you need to work harder on your days ..batch cook so you can have some higher standard meals available for when you don't feel like cooking?

I also resent it a little bit that I have to juggle a job, being a Mum and also sort food

Presumably this is all stuff she had to do when she was a working mother too?

The TV I'd let go. She's probably putting it on in between doing other things and I know my own 60 year old mother struggled with her active toddler grandkids and used TV for a sit down and a cup of tea. Do you sense it's on the full 4 hours? Maybe she's putting on a 8 minute show after playing with him, then another 8 minute show while getting his food ready, then another 8 min show after feeding him while she clears up, then another 8 min show after another play with him. He mentions 4 shows but in reality, it's only been 32 mins of 4 hours.

The oven food, I'd let go.

What I would do, is start cooking double portions of everything on your good days, and ask DH to do the same. Chicken curry for dinner? Double it up and freeze two kids portions. Spag bol? Same. Then you've DIY your own healthy easy to microwave dinners for the days you're struggling. Add a batch of sugar free kid muffins to the freezer too et voila.

Maybe she's struggling looking after a toddler as well?

If it bothers you, then you need to send him to a nursery or something where they will have proper cooked meals and do activities

YABU I’d be grateful for the help and that I didn’t have to cook a meal.

My youngest is a similar age and even if the TV is on they don’t sit watching it for longer than a few mins. It’s probably just on in the background. Even if they are watching it they won’t be watching it for 4 hours.

Stop the selfish, hateful, auld witch minding him and pay for your bloody childcare!!

God almighty! Those two afternoons a week will forever blight his life!

And let your DH make him healthy food and entertain him when you're not able to!

The trouble is - if 2 nugget meals aren’t the end of the world. What about when there is a tricky day at some point in the week (there always is). Then it becomes 3 out of 7 main meals every week which I feel is too much. God forbid we have two tricky days! Then it’s 4 out of 7

So you/your husband batch cook and freeze when you’re up to it.
It’s not your MIL’s problem.

Do your parents help (if you have parents)?

On your tricky days can you not reheat one of the meals your DH has prepared? Shoving this in the microwave would be just as quick and easy as nuggets and chips

why dont you have healthy meals in freezer for tricky days?

The TV I would absolutely let slide. One of my friends is a grandparent and isn't yet 60 and she said how are is it looking after grandchildren compared to when they are your own and she was always exhausted when they left.

A packed lunch is a good idea. Or reframe it and make it out that she shouldn't be wasting money on expensive nuggets and things when ds would eat a roast dinner, cottage pie, whatever.

And it is annoying juggling work, children, lunch boxes but that is part of being a parent.

My grandchildren were weaned and fed a varied healthy diet. Now their favourite food is chicken nuggets and chips! They still get a good variety, but if given the choice, chicken nuggets are tops! They are healthy, active and intelligent, so I don't think twice a week is likely to affect your child's development.
As for TV, do you really think your MIL is letting him watch for 4 hours at a time? That is too much. However, you have said that at your best you have no problem entertaining him for 4 hours, yet you, at your best, are considerably younger than your 61 year old MIL. She may be active, but she may find him a bit tiring in times, so TV time is rest for them both.
If you are not happy, make him food to take. Alternatively, you could take him to a nursery or crèche.