DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

OP is clear in her posts that by "oven food: she means things like nuggets and chips - stuff that goes straight from factory to freezer to oven with no culinary action at home. As opposed to food made with fresh ingredients and minimal processing which might be cooked in either saucepans/frying pans or oven or more than one of these. OP specifies that the grandma cooks freshly made "ingredient" meals for herself but doesn't share these with the toddler.

I can't imagine you'll make it all the way down here but just in case...

I think you are getting a bit mixed up between 'what I wish I could do if I felt better more often' and 'what a Grandparent providing childcare can and should do'... these aren't the same thing. You are amazingly lucky to have affordable (free?) childcare this often. My husband and I are immigrants and when the kids were little he travelled a lot for work. I had Hyperemesis gravidarum for the entirety of my pregnancy with my son so my daughter spent a 'lot' of time eating whatever I could throw at her while watching In the Night Garden. Including cold Heinz hoops on more than one occasion (I swear she liked it!). She's fine and not picky at all.

I think you are feeling sad about finding things difficult at time and wishing you could be the parent you envisioned at the start. While of course your illness makes this trickier, I promise there are very few parents actually parenting entirely as they pictured as the start. Life happens and compromises are made and you'll find a different way forward. Please be kind to yourself - there's no report card and no one will be judging you as much as you are judging yourself. The literal most important thing for a child is to be loved and safe - everything else is details.

My kids were monsters in the evening at that age so we did a lot of picnic teas (with screaming) and yogurt pots and whatever else happened. Figured a decent breakfast and lunch was good going so anything else is just a bonus anyway.

There is nothing wrong with convenience food sometimes (or many times!) and nothing wrong with some relaxing time with his grandmother. Am sure she is finding it harder than she expected when she volunteered for this - it's a rough age and she's already done her time with her own child(ren). It's so lovely that they have this time together, your child is very lucky.

Eight hours a week, 2 meals?

Babe, stop stressing yourself. If it bothers you that much, DH can make him a packed lunch.

But seriously, stop stressing. This is really nothing to be worried about.

@Mummyto7lovelife it wasn't a reply to your comment. It was a comment on the OP's concerns

@PurpleThistle7

Both of mine love cold hoops- cold beans too! Better than worrying about accidentally getting them nuclear hot in the microwave and then waiting an age for them to cool down! Yes there's much better things they could eat but as part of a varied diet they are fine and on those days that you really feel you can't make it through, absolute lifesaver!

I’m just so glad you’re not my DIL. You’re very entitled and ungrateful. You should be thankful your ML helps you out at all. A lot of young children will only eat food like chicken nuggets and they survive quite well. I look after my grandchildren and often have children’s TV on in the background while we play, bake etc as it calms them. It also helps to get our granddaughter to sleep

I think this is a bit dramatic... you're actually very lucky that your DS will eat a balanced diet most of the time. I have a 2year old who sometimes will only eat some baked beans and a yoghurt for dinner! I did everything 'right' by the way - she's just fussy. Doesn't like nuggets or chips or anything either! I once read something that said not to panic about it - take their overall intake over a week including all meals. As long as they're eating well for most meals over the 21 meals in a week (+ snacks) then don’t worry too much about the individual meals.

I get it I’ve never been a super strict mum
which actually is why it’s annoying when the GPs go overboard because you then feel like you have to restrict what you do.
i get the feeling you feel that in reality your child is watching more than half an hour. You’ll start finding out when your child is able to talk and tell you!
My MIL was sticking my son in front of Peppa Pig for hours at a time while she did vacuuming etc which was lovely but id rather she spent time with him. Feeding him
mountains of junk I found all sorts of cakes etc in her bag. Bearing mind he had allergies + reflux and was being given stuff that he shouldn’t, he was also always sick on the night of the days she looked after him. 2 slush puppies one after another at the age of 3 or 4. She regularly lied about these things.There’s many other things could list but what im saying is trust your gut.
I had to put my son in nursery for the morning so that they only had him for half a day and he got a decent lunch.

I wouldn't touch a Montessori nursery with a barge pole. Child-centred play-based learning does not work.

Can you elaborate on that please, I’m not sure what you mean .

gosh really!!!

Darling you need to let this false guilt go. You're creating a guilt in your head by allowing you both to have TV time as well as TV time with MIL. It's really not going to damage him sweetheart (before anyone comes out with something ridic, obvs not anything inappropriate). I learnt about false guilt this week at counselling as I do it and have done a lot in my life. It's ok to feel like that, I'm not going to tell you you're irrational; to move forward though I think you could try things to take the anxiety off.
I discovered recently a woman on YouTube, Chantress Seba and she is so calming. I listen to sleep guided meditation and that helps me with anxiety also. Do you take caffeine?
I had to swap to decaf and although I feel like I constantly need a kick up the butt it's done good for my anxiety also.

I hate the BBC but Cbeebies has a lot of educational programs.
Alphablocks, Colourblocks and Number locks are great for a 2 year old as they are bright to tantalise the eyes and hold the focus on the program and the education goes in the mind.
My son loved Blaze and the Monster Machines and that teaches a range of mathematic subjects. Not sure if that's on there still though and maybe a bit older for DS.
Sarah & Duck is lovely.
The Baby Club is good.
Hey Duggee and Bluey are great for parents as well as children. Honestly, most parents become invested.
Bluey particularly has some beautiful messages within their programmes and I'm not ashamed to say I've cried at more than one episode.

MIL should be more considerate to your requests, DH should continue to remind her to be respectful of the requests.
I don't think she should be expected to be physical with DS although if mobility isn't an issue they could go out wrapped up very warm but I would expect her to do it.
As for food, I think providing the food is a better idea if you really don't want nuggies and chips. Keep his palate up, food sensitive children are a bit of a nightmare.
Children change so much so quickly.
What they liked yesterday they are definitely not necessarily going to like today.
You're doing a good job mama.
Stay away from manuals and Google.

🫶🏼

Honestly chill. It is different looking after a toddler in your 60’s to a 30yr

your dc is loved and cared for and 2 afternoons of some tv and chicken nuggets is not the end of the world via nanny

and give yourself a break. If having a rough day (not sure illness /disability you have)

then fine to have the tv on - or let dc play by self for a while and eat beige food

Pretentious? Moi?