DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

She's not letting him watch Squid Games is she and two times a week of chicken nuggets and chips won't make a long term difference. Or you can prepare food on your good days and send it with him and freeze some for your own off days . Do not sacrifice good free childcare over these issues . Nobody else will love your child like his grandmother.

2 afternoons a week? You need to let it go.

Make up some healthy meals in your freezer and take with you to MIL. Makes it easy for her and good for your son.

I'd just say, if possible, can she limit TV to x amount of time. Obviously, if she's got something she needs to do, you understand thats not always possible.

Does your MIL work or is she retired?
If you don’t like the food she cooks for him why don’t you send a pack up or a meal to heat up in the microwave?

It's not the worst thing but I get where you're coming from. You've asked and she's not going to change, so you either have to put up with it or find other options. Will your child get free nursery hours soon and you could use those?
Do you work? Is your MIL retired at 61? Can your DH take on more of the cooking from scratch so you can have more of the shortcuts?

So it's alright for him to eat junk when it makes your life easier, but not when it makes life easier for MIL who is doing you a huge favour?

30 minutes of screen time with his granny twice a week is going to do him no harm at all.

You sound ungrateful.

A number of options for you, you could leave it as it is, even if that means he gets ready food when you are ill

You make him something and send it with him each day or you could batch cook and freeze stuff you have made from scratch and use that when you are not feeling well

or you send him to a childminder and pay

This! Come on OP.

She's feeding and entertaining him. You only don't want her doing TV time because you want to do tv time!

Honestly I think if you don’t like her style of childcare you need to find and pay for an alternative. Fit and well and 61 she may be, but other people’s toddlers are very hard work - how many other two year olds have you had for whole afternoons? It’s different when they’re yours.

I don’t blame her at all for taking some shortcuts - in fact to her they may well not be shortcuts, plenty of people would regard oven food and a bit of tv as perfectly normal.

Look at the Royal College of Paediatricians info on screen time, and then stop worrying about that all together.

You are being unreasonable (and somewhat hypocritical) to say that as it's "only" twice a week your MIL should be able to manage without oven food. If it's "only" twice a week, it shouldn't matter. Provide food yourselves if it's a critical issue to you (it wouldn't be for me) or pay for alternative childcare. Those are you options - but trying to control your MIL's choices is not one of them.

Though it’s out of necessity, I’m afraid the fact that sometimes give your child UPFs at home rather negates your argument with your MIL.

Can you batch cook and take meals for him if it bothers you?

They’re nanny teas to make it easier for her. You’re lucky she wants to look after and spend time with him. The tv is fine.
I’m with @ThejoyofNC you sound ungrateful.

Pay for childcare then? Mind you - in childcare they also get nuggets.

I do think that these things come with the territory of free childcare from families. Agree with PP would it help if you sent some food for them to heat up?

I understand the frustration, but you have to let it go.

Perhaps find some freezer food you're happier with (veggie nuggets, or the organic 'healthy' ones and sweet potato fries and ask if she'd like you to pick them up regularly to pass over?

Ultimately if you complain and change things now, it's unlikely she'll be there in future if you really need it.

Your options don't make sense really.

Maybe your ILS don't eat the same time as your DC hence they make them something different. I was thinking it won't matter twice a week. Then I see you feed the same stuff too so I lost any sympathy at all because despite what issues you may be dealing with you can't do one rule for you and a different one for me! !

If it was a safety issue like her transporting him not in a car seat, refusing to cut grapes and tomatoes and other choking hazard foods because "we didn't have to do that in my day" etc, or her suddenly acquiring an XL bully dog or something, then fine red line time. What you're talking about is more about a style of parenting/child raising issue. If you want to make him having zero screen time or 'junky' oven food with other people a red line issue for you, then okay, but you'll have to use paid childcare. And you can't insist what childminders and nannies do either - you pay for the service they provide. You may find they have policies you don't agree with, they don't act how you like if there's a biter in the toddler room and your child gets bitten, etc etc. If you want to dictate exactly how someone cares for your child you have to fork out for a nanny.

I have no one to help with childcare and have 3 children. And yes they watch too much tv and have oven food some days. But yet they are thriving and happy and that’s all I can ask. I think for the sake of two afternoons a week and help with childcare you have got to learn to relax a little bit and know that they will not come to any harm! I think unless there are really important issues such as medical reasons etc, grandparents can make their own rules when it comes to them looking after their own grandchildren.

I think you should batch cook so the days you are unwell you have something in the freezer that you can turn to instead of oven food and therefore that would negate the days your MIL gives oven food. Don’t get narky at your MIL who is giving free childcare it is not the hill to die on

If you're worried about the food, batch cook up some Bolognese, chilli, lasagne etc, portion up and all your mil has to do is cook pasta, rice some veg and heat up.

I can't tell if the screen time is all year around or just winter. If it's latter then give them some slack as it's cold but if all year then you'll have to be honest and say you don't like it and suggest a park visit or something as an alternative or send a ball/outside toys and influence it that way.

Ultimately though she's doing you a favour so you could pay for childcare if not satisfied.

At 61 is there a chance that MIL is still working? Maybe she wants an easy option on her days off when she is looking after the toddler?

I think you need to just let this one go. The child is being fed and if they don't watch TV with you then it doesn't matter.

If you cause upset over this then maybe she will stop the weekly arrangements, making life harder for yourself and maybe depending on your illness impacting how many bad days you have.

There aren't any studies that show that screen time is bad for kids. It's just snobby. How is sitting and reading a book/going to a play OK but sitting and watching TV the work of the devil?

Has MIL tried to feed him other food and had it rejected?

It's all very well you saying he can eat what they are eating but if he won't eat it she may be going down the it's better to give him something he will eat line.

Or, here’s an idea. When you are struggling, why doesn’t your DH make healthy food or batch cook for you & his child.