DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

YABU I'm afraid. If you have specific requirements like this I think you need to pay for childcare.

I do get it. My DH is chronically ill with good and bad days in the same way and we do prefer to "save" the screen time for those bad days.

You say she's fit and healthy and only 61 but at 61 it is not unlikely she's more tired than back when she had her own kids. Toddlers are particularly hard work and especially when they're not your own and you're not used the noise and you don't know them and their moods and their communication inside out like you do as parents.

I really don't think the oven food is bad. It's not like he's existing on Haribo and hobnobs and if he has healthy homemade food with you then overall he's still having a really good healthy and varied diet. If it bothers you I think batch cooking (which will also help for your bad days) is the way forward.

Perhaps she prefers to eat her meals at a different time of day to your DC or perhaps she's used to making the right sized portions for the two of them and doesn't want to have to try and adapt it to more or perhaps she prefers to cook with a lot of salt. I don't know. But whatever it is, she is making it clear that she would rather prepare a separate meal for him so either embrace the chicken nuggets or send something along.

Like I said I am sympathetic. It would be much easier for you if she had him out playing on the park or hunting for sticks in the mud, doing baking and making forts. Then on your bad days you wouldn't have to feel as bad about popping the TV on.

But at the same time she is doing you a massive favour for free. She may be struggling too. Four hours does feel like a lot when it's caring for a toddler. I just don't think it's fair to expect it, especially when it's not her fault (or bluntly her problem) you're unwell.

I think what you're looking for here is a nice nursery or childminder.

I think you're overreacting to two afternoons a week (so, two meals a week?). Many people put the TV for 30 minutes for toddlers late afternoon because toddlers are wild then. I imagine this women of almost retirement age just needs a little bit of time sitting down, and to make a dinner she doesn't have to stand over and that she know DS will eat.

If you really care this much, send meals, and send toys etc to occupy him.

Kindly, get a grip.

In 12 years’ time, when you are looking at a group of gawky teen boys including your DS, with no idea who in that group had what amount of TV time or what sort of diet they had when they were toddlers, and yet who have all turned out more or less the same and perfectly healthily and successfully, you’ll sort of realise that all those years ago, right now, you were being a bit precious.

If you’re often too unwell to cook for or entertain DS and DH doesn’t like DS eating freezer food, rather than hassle his mother who’s doing you both a favour, perhaps he could batch cook some healthy dinners for the freezer so that on your bad days you can just prepare those for DS rather than nuggets and chips?

Easy solution - use a nursery or childminder and you can expect good quality childcare and nutritionally balanced food. If time with grandma is full of "treats" that should be restricted/occasional then time with grandma needs to be restricted/occasional.

Completely agree.

If youre not happy with the care she provides then don't send him.

If it's good enough that you'd send him, then it's good enough.

Actually there are...

pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10353947/#:~:text=Studies%20have%20indicated%20that%20compared,poorer%20vocabulary%20acquisition%20%5B15%5D.

jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/2808593

bmjopen.bmj.com/content/9/1/e023191

It sounds like they are both making good memories. My nan had a thing for Bullseye and Jim Bowen (she used to fancy him rotten), so on Sundays at her house this is what we did, whilst eating chicken and chips. I still feel nostalgic when I see Bullseye now. The food once or twice a week is not really a problem, but if you thought it was you could always send a meal ready to warm up?

It's interesting that the Royal College of Paediatricians has a different take on it than all the other leading bodies (World Health Organisation, American Academy of Pediatrics etc) who say that under 2 years old there should be no TV time at all.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

Excellent idea! It's certainly more his responsibility than the person who's kindly providing 8 hours a week of free childcare.

You sound really picky and fault finding. Just either look after him yourself or pay for childcare. They are doing nothing wrong IMHO.

Honestly, some of my fondest childhood memories are curling up with my gran on the sofa, eating potato waffles with cheese and an oily fried egg, and watching the Silver Brumby. It did me absolutely no harm and I promise I'm now healthy, happy and still have a lovely relationship with my gran.

She's doing what she can for you, if you want to dictate what happens then you need to pay someone op. Yabu

I do know what you mean OP as my DD2 goes to my parents twice a week too and they can be like this, every time I pick her up she is in front of the TV, which is not my approach at all. They also feed her things I wouldn't give her/more of things I keep for treats, which obviously isn't ideal.

But ultimately I understand it's hard work looking after a toddler and they are grandparents and not her parents, so they want to feed her things they know she'll eat and keep her happy. So I think as long as you think MIL is interacting with him along the way and is keeping him safe I don't think you should complain.

My thoughts exactly.

My daughter enjoyed those evenings with my mom watching rubbish tv. She's 16 and that's where she goes to watch rubbish (in my mind) and get utterly spoiled. The relationship she has with my parents though is beautiful, and I'm glad I didn't spoil it with unnecessary problems.

You are being extremely precious. Watching some TV (assuming it's children's TV and not something completely inappropriate) isn't going to hurt your child. You might be surprised to know that nurseries also let children watch children's TV sometimes. And neither is having chicken nuggets and chips. When he goes to school he will have that sort of food every day!
Your mother in law is doing you a massive favour. If you don't like the way she cares for your child you will have to find alternative arrangements. Perhaps hire a nanny?

Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Let this go.

This. My dd is 14 and still remembers fondly the kid cuisine frozen meal my dad would get her. As long as you are feeding her healthy food the majority of the time a few treat days are fine. If that doesn't work for you then you need to sort paid childcare some where else.

Wow so many replies already!

I do pay for childcare most of the week. Obviously MIL is saving us money by having him and I do appreciate that. I could pay more and put him in nursery full time. However there are always politics around this as MIL would definitely be offended and would miss her time with DS.

I have pre-made and sent food over in the past. She’s put it in the fridge and then ‘forgot’ about it.

MIL is retired. Therefore I also resent it a little bit that I have to juggle a job, being a Mum and also sort food for when she has a lot more free time and better health than I do.

I do think lots of posters haven’t quite grasped the reality of living with a chronic illness. I’m not hypocritical for giving DS TV and easy food. I’m disabled I sometimes have no choice.

I am very grateful for all the money it saves and I’m so glad DS is loved. It’s just frustrating because DS is asking for TV more and more. We have been playing with toys and playing games, doing crafts, reading books and every 10 minutes he’s been asking for the TV. It just makes me sad. His appetite for a range of food has also narrowed lately.

Ridiculous. Of course YABU.

YABU. She is doing you a favour with free childcare. The “shortcuts” should be prioritised for her.

If you don’t want to or can’t pay for childcare, can you batch cook and freeze some preprepared food for her to reheat (and for you to use when you are unwell)? There are plenty of quick and easy healthy meals. Just ask for ideas on here. Or buy the food you want him to eat, just make sure it is something she can just throw in the oven or microwave eg a chicken breast rather than chicken nuggets with salad, veg sticks or frozen veg,

Too much screen time isn’t ideal but you could ask her to choose educational shows. You could set up an account for your DC on whatever subscription you have with the shows you prefer set as favourites. Have you tried audiobooks or a Toniebox as an alternative to screen time at home? Even with a lot of screen time at your MIL’s, he will be getting a lot more 1 to 1 time with her than he would do at nursery so it’s swings and roundabouts.

Is there a class or play group she would be happy to take him to (if you pay)? That might make her life easier. I’m younger than her and entertaining a toddler for 8 hours a week is hard work! I find going out is much easier than staying in.

Tv that your child is actively watching as an activity is no big deal imo. Its a few gourd max during the overall week.

Oven food - sorry but if you can't do fresh all the time you can't judge MIL. I'd recommend a jacket potato or porridge with berries next time you're feeling knackered to cancel out the MIL oven food. I am sympathetic but you need to be realistic about what you can control amd recognise that you either trust MIL or you don't and plan accordingly.

This!

Neither you, nor your DH, sound in the slightest bit grateful.

She’s 61. You chase around after a toddler for four hours when you’re 61 and tell me how you get on. I’m 49 and I have DH doing all of the donkey work and I’m mentally and physically exhausted by the time he goes home.

Less than 8 hours of tv a week is not going to hurt him; it’s CBeebies, she’s not given him a smartphone and helped him to set up a Reddit account. He’s probably cuddled up next to his grandparents enjoying a lot of love and attention. And if you don’t like what she’s feeding him then either send food with him or cook for him when he gets home. You are being really silly here and you’re potentially going to ruin a lovely relationship. She’s his grandmother, not your au pair.