DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

I was with you until you said his appetite has narrowed. MIL is feeding him 2 out of 21 meals per week, that isn't going to impact his tastebuds. Are you reducing the number or variety of meals you offer? It's a vicious circle if he's getting 'fussy' and you then reduce the offering to what he'll eat.

MIL is retired. Therefore I also resent it a little bit that I have to juggle a job, being a Mum and also sort food for when she has a lot more free time and better health than I do.

You've just lost me. She was a working mum too. She did her bit raising your partner. She has free time because she’s retired, as you will be one day. She’s entitled to spend all day watching TV if she so chooses

Will you be giving two free afternoons each week if you become a grandparent?

You seem to think she somehow owes you? She really doesn’t.

Do you have parents? Where are they in this?

I have a chronic illness, two toddlers and no additional help.

Unclench.

Seriously.

OK, so your issue with the food is more that she refuses to give him things you send? You'd have got a more sympathetic hearing then.

But you're still BU generally. It's free childcare and however good a reason you have for needing shortcuts, that doesn't oblige her to provide you with what amounts to a full day a week to your specifications, for nothing.

Also before any more DH bashing - I know most men posted about on here are absolutely vile incompetent toerags….My DH is honestly a saint. He cooks several healthy meals from scratch every week. He does work late so this makes it tricky with bedtime but if I’m ill it has to be a late bedtime sometimes. He has a lot on his plate with his work, a chronically ill wife and a toddler and he does far more than his share. He couldn’t do any more in all
honesty.

You're not very grateful but hugely ungrateful. Especially the bit about shortcuts being saved for you 🙄

MN is also the place of the low bar OP. I completely agree the way your MIL is providing care should be reserved for when necessary and processed food and TV should be seen as back ups/in desperation. Unfortunately poor parenting choices have been normalised for the convenience of adults in the West, which is why obesity has become so bad in the last 30 years.

I'd give my right arm for a granny like that

OP, I understand why you don't like too much screen time and oven ready food.
But I would really let it go. She sounds like a lovely granny and that is really all, and I mean all, that matters. My MIL is hopeless, provides almost no childcare, but when she does rarely agree to help, I just take what I can get.

The key word in your post is 'parenting'. MIL isn't doing that. She's not a parent.

So if your husband cooks from scratch several times each week, it’s really not that big an issue, is it, two nugget meals?

Yes, you say thank you and be glad your Ds is lucky enough to spend time with his grandma.

Hire care for him instead of MIL and pack his meal. Or live with what you described. I know you appreciate the care MIL is providing, but it does come with strings, in this case TV and easier meals. It isnt the end of the world.

He’s your first isn’t he

@Chilliinitiative "MIL is retired. Therefore I also resent it a little bit that I have to juggle a job, being a Mum and also sort food for when she has a lot more free time and better health than I do. "

This is very telling. Your MIL has done her time of juggling and preparing meals for young children. Your life choices shouldn't mean that she has to do it all again in her 60s.

She's earned her free time.

Ultimately, if you don't agree with how she's caring for your child, or trust her to make good decisions around his care, then you'll have to pay for childcare just like most other working parents in the UK. Take it or leave it.

I'd unpick what she's doing whilst he's watching TV. It may be her time to do the washing up, or she may be finding a toddler hard work and having a sit down. Rather thzn going on the attack, ask some questions to unpick what is happening here.

PFB perchance?

He's spending two afternoons a week snuggled up in his grandparents sofa watching cbeebies or the equivalent. It sounds nice to me and not something to be concerned with, he's safe and happy.
Regarding the food, unless you want to provide something else which may cause tension I'd also let this go. A few chicken nuggets are not going to cause any harm. I'd concentrate on doing some batch cooking of what you'd prefer him to eat on the days you're struggling at home.

I am absolutely prepared to offer childcare for my grandchildren in the future and I will absolutely entertain them without screens as much as I can rather than treat them as a default. I would much rather have a giggle with my grandchild over a game and make memories going out somewhere than scroll on my phone whilst they watch TV. And I’ll easily be able to prepare some health food options before they arrive!

But I am obviously being unreasonable. My standards are obviously too high and I can’t expect them of anyone else.

You don't sound very grateful tbh. He's loved and cared for for free. He doesn't sound in any danger. There's a threshold of 'good enough parenting', I'd apply it to grandparents too. As long as he's happy I think thanks is the only word you need.

MIL is retired. Therefore I also resent it a little bit that I have to juggle a job, being a Mum and also sort food for when she has a lot more free time and better health than I do

Wow, that's just beyond belief. You resent a woman who has already raised her own kids and now voluntarily spends time in her retirement to look after yours? And you begrudge her her bloody health?!

Therefore I also resent it a little bit that I have to juggle a job, being a Mum and also sort food for when she has a lot more free time and better health than I do.

Wow. She presumably didn’t force you into having a child? I agree with a previous poster who said they’d love to have had a granny like this for their DC, who gives her time and care. I think if anyone wants to dictate the way their child is looked after they either a) do it themselves or b) pay for a nanny. Anything else (including a nursery or childminder) requires you to to accept someone else’s way of doing things.

Tastes do often narrow naturally at this age as they learn what they like and what they don't, so I wouldn't assume this is down to the "beige" food he gets.

I'd be wary of tarnishing all negative things as MIL's fault. I appreciate that's not necessarily what you're doing here, but kids naturally gravitate towards tv and beige food. You yourself give access to both at times. But a message you've written above implies you may hold MIL responsible for his preference of these things.

There are some great easy options for when you're feeling unwell, like Strong Roots veggie burgers, scrambled egg, beans on toast etc.
I also struggle with cooking at times.

His appetite for a range of food has also narrowed lately.

I don't think we can blame MIL here. This seems really common at this age. I was as smug as anything about how well my DS ate, how he'd have anything put in front of him and how he loved eating vegetables.

I was very sure it was down to my excellent parenting choices and my general approach to giving him food.

Then one day, as punishment for my arrogance, when DS was approaching 2 years old he woke up and out of nowhere decided all he would eat was toast. It seems to be really common based off the group of mums I'm in who have toddlers the same age. Just keep offering him a variety and it'll get better again.

I think your being ridiculous. You need to count your lucky stars that you have support. Your MIL is saving you money and feeding and entering your child. She cooks what she wants to cook your child. She's not poisoning them. She's feeding them. The screen time is also a non issue.

If your worried about diet , when you're cooking during the week cook extra so you can freeze a few portions. That way when you can't cook you'll have something healthy already made.