DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

It's still only 4 out of 21 meals... And only 200 out of over 1092 in a year.

You're going to struggle when class parties come in to play...

Just prep some meals for those difficult days when you are able to, problem solved. Then you know he's only having these meals twice a week....

@NoahsTortoise this is actually a really helpful suggestion thank you. Can you recommend any specific brands?

Is this like that saying of the best parents are the ones who haven't had kids yet?

OP is embracing the adage that the best grandmother's are the ones who haven't had grandkids yet

I wonder if it's your own list of go to foods on a tricky day is too narrow? In the time you can do chicken nuggets and chips you could warm up quiche or put a piece of fish in and have salad or chips and peas. A PP suggested double up when cooking so there is a bolognaise or curry just to heat up.

The TV I would let go. Chasing round after a toddler for four hours would be knackering. They also don't have the attention span for proper games yet.

I have similar issues but the bond they have is great and I wouldn’t want to send to nursery in place of a loving family member.

I send the food I want them to eat. Cook a piece of salmon and a salad and send DC with that for example and either explain the Oven food issue or say your concerned about some food sensitivities.

lOn the TV issue I try and send activities for them to do like puzzles, phonics books, colouring etc… stuff I know DC will sit with. I then expect there is around 2 of TV a day, twice a week. I don’t like it but I make sure DC gets no other TV during the week, so 4 hours total a week which I’ve made my peace with.

You can’t complain or criticise because at the end of the day she is offering childcare in her terms. Manage the issues as above or similar

"MIL is retired. Therefore I also resent it a little bit that I have to juggle a job, being a Mum and also sort food for when she has a lot more free time and better health than I do".

So, let's get this straight.

You "resent" that your MIL who has retired, doesn't want to spend all afternoon two days a week sitting on the floor engaging in activities, and want to feed your toddler easy food?? Seriously??? When we choose to have a child, we all sign up for "juggling a job, being a mum and sort[ing] food out!!! The baby is yours, not your MIL's!!!

You have a right cheek! I'm the same age and I don't think I could be bothered looking after a toddler for hours on end, although I am not fortunate enough to have retired and still work FT.

You think that you are entitled to the free time that she has worked her whole life for?!!

I have made it plain that I will never be retiring to mind gc, not that I have any, but my retirement will be the only time in life that will be wholly mine and I will be putting myself first!

It's not your MIL's fault you have a health condition and you were the one who chose to have a child, so take responsibility!!

This must be one of the most entitled things I've read, and that's saying something!

Op you definitely have underestimated how tiring and mind numbing it is to entertain and feed a 2 year old when you are 30 odd years older than when you had your own children. Absolutely adore my grandchildren but it is hard work and a big commitment to give up 2 days which is what you effectively have to do if committed to 4hour sessions.
Thankfully my daughter is realistic and doesn’t pile on huge expectations,as long as children are safe and fed that is all that she asks for and is very appreciative.

I wouldn’t want tv on tap and lots of fried foods… but you have the option to use different childcare. Also I think saying you want to be able to do this but she can’t because you feel she should be more energetic than you feels a little demanding. You don’t know what energy levels she has. Ultimately I think you have the right goals but I don’t think you can hold your MIL to a higher standard than yourself on a tough day! Maybe paid care would be better for you as a family?

Look at the bigger picture - there are 21 meal occasions in a week plus maybe another 14 snack occasions. You can make sure all of those are healthy, so 2,3 or even 4 nugget meals really isn't a big deal. You could also look at healthy alternatives for those days you need a freezer meal on your turn - those cubes of lentil bolognese are great and if you can pop a tray in the over is putting a pan on a hob much more trouble? Not being glass, I don't know what health condition you are battling. I'm just trying to say that you need to be realistic and not sweat the small stuff.

@ThejoyofNC Firstly - wow. Thanks for your incredibly ableist comment. And if I only had the responsibility of the child for 2 x 4 hour sessions. Yes then I could
manage without shortcuts.

She doesn't think she should have to do the mothering, she's hardly going to do grandmothering!

Having no help with my children and dh working abroad, they sometimes watched a bit too much telly and sometimes had beige food (with plenty of cucumber sticks etc). All four of them (oldest is 31) are intelligent, healthy, well-balanced responsible adults - well, no 4 is in her final year of university but getting there. Goodness knows what my late mum fed them on occasion but nothing terrible happened. Please don't stress.

If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye

So if it was once a week you wouldn't blink an eye, but twice a week and it's a big issue?

If they have your DC for four hours and this includes feeding time then it is unlikely that all four hours is spent in front of the tv, but perhaps other activities could be encouraged. Maybe emphasise that your DC would love to go to the park or play games? Perhaps send over some craft materials or colouring and say you would love to see what they made with grandma and granddad? Do they have Duplo and other suitable toys at home?

On the food thing, it sounds like your comments have been quite passive and based around telling your MIL not to bother cooking something special for her DGC and they will be happy with whatever the grown-ups eat, but this is probably going over her head. She wants to do something special. If this matters to you then you need to be polite but direct. "I do not want my child to be given any processed food. No chips. No chicken nuggets. No fish fingers. No burgers. Thank you."

Alternatively, just be grateful for eight hours of free childcare

Honestly, OP… it sounds like you need to let go a bit. 2 afternoons a week isn’t that much. Chicken nuggets and chips is still food maybe an hour or so of TV isn’t too bad. You just see it all as ‘poison’ which is rather unhealthy…

It's two afternoons a week. Two (free). Afternoons. A. Week.
The rest of the week, he can be screen free and eat food foraged from your environs.
If it's really bugging you, then you and DH need to sit down with MIL and have a proper, adult conversation. If she does not stick to your preferences, you can up his allotted paid childcare hours.
You do sound more than a tad ungrateful, tbh.

Sorry I can’t find the poster who suggested I buy MIL some flowers. We do go all out at her birthday, Mother’s Day, Christmas etc as we really are grateful and appreciate what she does for us.

I'm younger than your mil and have been babysitting my toddler gd for the past month from 7.30 am to 6 pm 5 days a week while my daughter is training in a new job, even at 53 by the end of the week I'm exhausted. I'm also going through menopause so barely sleeping. It's so much harder running around after a toddler as you get older.

While I feed my gd healthy breakfast, lunch and dinners most of the time, sometimes she would get nuggets and waffles as a convenient option for me, don't forget your mil is not just babysitting, she's probably still doing family cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing.

As for TV time, it may be on as noise in the background, with your child not paying attention to it, playing instead. In my house, my grand daughters nap consists of a bottle with 15 minutes of watching hells kitchen and she's out cold for an hour.

Your mil has your child 4 hours, twice a week. She's not going to do much damage with TV and oven food. Give her a break, you don't know how hard she's finding it.

Have you thought due to your healthy meal fixation and general TV ban, his grandmother is seeing it as giving him "treat" food (in her eyes) when he's with her and allowing him some Tv for them to enjoy together. It will make his time with gm different and maybe even give him fond memories. It's hardly giving him drugs and watching horror films!

But that's not all MIL has to do is it? She does housework, presumably meets friends, have nights out, goes to clubs or classes, maybe she volunteers?

Maybe in amongst her usual life, those two afternoons are all she has left, what with being 30 years older than you.

You have no idea what the situation will be like when you're 60.

You should pay for childcare. Then you'll be entitled to dictate terms. Problem solved.

Maybe your MIL actually enjoys having an excuse to give your FIL fish fingers and beans twice a week rather than having to cook a meal from scratch as she probably has done every day for the last forty years?

I was a single Mum with a disability and chronic illness, fatigue etc.
When I had family looking after my DS I was just so grateful that 1) I didn't have to pay 2) that someone who loved him looked after him.
When I was well enough I batched cooked easy but good meals, you have a DH that can batch cook so when your DS is at home there is no reason he shouldn't have good food.

He's not her child
You can't hold to higher standards than you set yourself..just because your struggling
She's 61 ,maybe she's struggling a bit too

Therefore I also resent it a little bit that I have to juggle a job, being a Mum and also sort food for when she has a lot more free time and better health than I do.

He's YOUR child. That you chose to have. She is doing you a massive favour and saving you hundreds of pounds. She's giving him chicken nuggets not rocks of crack. Don't send him to her if you don't like it but honestly you're massively overreacting.

Oh, and don't tell me I don't understand the reality of having a chronic illness; it's my reality, and will be every day for the rest of my life. I choose to count my blessings.