DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

I think you need to let your MIL do her thing with your little one & not over think it. a few hours over 2 days watching TV or eating chicken nuggets won't harm him. He's being well cared for & loved in a safe environment which is the main thing. Grandparents see TV & quick kids meals as treats for their grandchild, especially if he doesn't get much of the same at home. If it bothers you that much could you maybe suggest things you don't mind him watching, like educational programmes where he can learn from them. Also ask that if you send food for him can she make sure he has that before having anything else. It's all about communicating with MIL & explaining why you'd like things done your way. Make sure you tell her how much you appreciate what she's doing for you & you're grateful for the help she offers. Honestly you sound like you're overthinking things a bit too much & it's not that big a deal. There's no love like a grandparents love so he won't come to any harm watching TV or eating crappy food 2 days a week.

Off topic but my much, much loved Granny wasn't the best cook but she had a great stash of microwave meals including these stuffed pancake things I still think about!

Also they always had chocolate in the fridge!

Agree with this. She is tied down and unable to do her own thing twice a week. That is a huge sacrifice.

I wouldn't be critical of someone doing that for me.

Oh yes....I remember those funny stuffed pancakes !!

My mother was adamant that we shouldn't have "pop".

My Grandma always had a large stock of fizzy pop especially for any children who ever turned up at her house and we all loved her for it.

My favourite memories of my nan was news round, chips, burger and beans and doing my homework on her living room floor. Much calmer and more comfortable than at home. Apparently one project was GCSE standard when I was about 8.

Fray Bentos was amazing!

Her time is hers. She’s done her parenting

You might find this is just his age rather than blaming grandma! My now 12 yo used to eat all sorts 9- 24 months - I was cooking all from scratch from the Annabelle Karmel books, then just started refusing everything.

Kindly, pick your battles and be grateful for the help and interest in your LO.

Fully aware what it’s like to have a chronic illness and it’s really not nice BUT the reasons you’ve given are totally hypocritical to be honest. Why not do things like batch cook on your days that you are feeling well. You’ve unfortunately come across very entitled. Also is this your first child? Because most people have the whole I won’t feed this I won’t do screen time etc then it all changes

Ask her to give him a picnic instead, sandwiches, eggs, carrots, fruit, yogurts, stuff like that, or beans or eggs on toast and say she doesn't need to be making him a cooked meal both afternoons.

TV time, as long as its child appropriate and educational I wouldn't worry. He is in childcare setting remainder of the week? He will get enough stimulation there and will probably be happy with a little bit of down time and grandmas, it's not like she is sticking a tablet in front of him. Just ask her to make sure he has toys and books around him when watching the TV and he will go back and forward between the toys and TVs, they don't have much focus at that age to stay interested in one thing for a long time.

There are a lot of childrens TV, you could pick a programme on BBC iplayer and say we are watching this one this week if you want to put an episode on for him

It sounds like you hold yourself to really high standards which can’t be helpful for you. Naturally you want to bring up your child as best as you can but you can’t control it all. DGM is helping you out and although there is some CBeebies, it’s not going to harm your child. Nigh on 2 years is also the age when children typically get fussy with food - my DS used to eat all sorts at that age but now won’t have food that is touching or mixed up at all. No biggie for me and also quite normal in young children. Also the toddler years is when they start expressing opinions like wanting to watch TV or their favourite shows, this is normal for most. Try to give yourself some respite too, if you’re ill, put on the tv for a bit and give yourself a break. I’ve been unwell with my MH recently and as much as I’ve felt guilty, sometimes I’ve had to call a takeaway rather than my usual home cooking and it’s not done any harm.

Similar. I did literature at A Level and my mum used to help me with quotes and poetry. She had quite a broad Lancashire accent and even now when I see the plays we studied or read back the poetry I think of her.

sorry s/be nan.

Yabu a bit. How do you know the TV isn’t only on for a small part of the four hours? It’s not like a 20 month is giving a full run down of four hours worth of tv watching, what shows he watched and for how long. Presumably you don’t know that he hasn’t watched whatever programme he’s mentioned for only 20 minutes or so. Do you send him with a few favourite toys/activities? You could do that to gently prompt them eg ‘I’ve put some of his jigsaws/crayons/books in his bag he’s just been loving those lately’. Or say ‘he’d love that wee park at end of your road if you felt like getting some fresh air’.

I don’t think I could get too worked up about oven foods a couple times a week as long as his diet is otherwise varied and healthy. I would feel like I had to say something if he was being loaded up with chocolate and crisps all day though. Again, make some helpful suggestions.
‘What are you and Jim having for dinner tonight?’
’cottage pie’
’ooh that sounds lovely. Jacob loves that. Why don’t you give him that rather than giving yourselves extra work’.

Or failing that, send him with his own meals, like leftovers of the day before’s dinner or stuff you’ve batch cooked, and some healthy snacks. You could say ‘we’re trying to get Jacob to have a healthier diet, can you heat this up for his dinner and here’s some snacks to make it a bit easier for you’. Make out like you don’t want them being out of pocket feeding him!

Ultimately it’s about weighing up free childcare from beloved family members versus it not necessarily being the standard of care you’d want. Your child, your choice.

Maybe she finds it harder to cook when the toddler is around? She might prefer to be supervising him. Oven food is still better than fast food or no food. Send him with a bag of fruit to counter balance it.
Some TV twice a week will do no harm.
We all have high standards which we set ourselves but sometimes have to let go when others are in charge. X

He's 20 months old; that's what happens. They start getting their own opinions, they start becoming "fussy" eaters they ask for more of what they want.

You're the parent you can say no to these things, and you can keep offering the foods they used to eat but now reject.

I think you’re being unreasonable and unrealistic.

There is no harm coming to your child. None whatsoever. You being this uptight is completely unnecessary.

If you say anything to your MIL then you’re just going to cause problems.

And if you keep on like this eventually you’ll have issues with your kid as well.

Jesus Christ this is a proper Mumsnet post 🤣 how about you remove the stick from your arse and just be grateful

TV and OVEN FOOD - THE HORROR

I never restricted both my kids from watching tv, in fact some of the children’s programs at that time were very educational. I also did not set strict time guidelines for screen time when they were older…both mine are now 18 and 22, kind, considerate, very sociable and A* achieving kids..so despite mainstream media telling everyone that screen time creates problems, I think more emphasis should be put on things the kids do other than screen time, mine did hours of outdoor play, competitive sports as they got older and we did a lot of family activities like walking, cycling, hiking etc…

if you in laws are helping you out with childcare, I’d just be grateful and not pick a fight over such trivial things! Also a fed child is a happy child so perhaps they’re not making home cooked food but as long as the food is not horrendously processed, what’s the issue? I think you need to pick your battles and accept the fact that you can’t be in control all the time of what they eat or watch..

Research says TV isn't good for them. Hmmmm this is correct for some children my 2.5yr old has seen many professionals in his short life and all have said how great the TV is for him. Speech and language even praise what we watch and say how great it is for him so don't dismiss the TV. Yes for the full 4 hrs Tv is might be bad for him but realistically he's not going to be watching it 100% of the time he's there. Reserving it for just when you're poorly and dictating what she does in her own house is bordering on being way over protective and helicopter parenting. It's suffocating. Now if it wasn't ages appropriate then I would be saying ynbu but it isn't, your child is loved and cared for appropriately. Chicken nuggets and chips won't hurt twice a week. When he gets into reception and stays all day guess what is on the dinner lists once a week 😂. You get sausage and mash, chicken nuggets and chips, even the odd burger etc, mind they add veg on the plate but mostly goes uneaten. You need to look at it all in prospective and if you actually was there and did a stopwatch of what he watched I bet most of the time it doesn't even add up to half the amount of time. Take him pre prepared food and she can give him that but twice a week treat isn't bad.

She is from a different generation, lighten up!

To be fair I'm 58 next month and have grandchildren 1 at a time regularly for a night or two.
It's exhausting ! Irrespective if we present fit and well.
The actual parenting is down to who the children live with.
If they come here it's my rules or they dont come ( within reason of course ) but pizza and chicken is a thing here and screen time after a day out is a thing here.
I understand you are poorly as one of mine has chronic fatigue and a few other challenges but for sure she does the same on those times of a flare.
If you want great nutrition and the wonders of nature. Pay for an au pair is the answer.

When grandparents took my kids I would never have controlled what they do, and I would never have commented on the food they were fed 😳😳

My youngest wouldnt eat hardly anything when he was small, his diet of pancakes, potato waffles and chicken dippers did him no harm 🤣

Also most kids programs are actually very educational. My kids watched loads of the Disney ones and they learned tons of things

I am 55 and regularly look after young children. At 55 it is a lot more tiring than when I was 25 or 35. With my own children I put in 100% and always went above and beyond.

It’s very easy for you to complain and find fault in your mil and I know I did the same with my mum and mil because my standards were so high. However, things change as you get older, you don’t remember all the things you used to do, you lack the same confidence and knowledge because you are at a different point in life. The accepted norms are different (maybe mil always gave your dh easy foods and put in front of telly), you aren’t as physically able as you used to be.

Try to remember that mil is not your child’s mum and will not act as you would. Appreciate what she does do and that she is there for you and your child, though you may not always agree with everything she does.

I remember staying with my parents with my very precious first born. We went to a supermarket and then to a cafe. They bought His Royal Preciousness chips.
In my head I was freaking out.
Then I thought " For God's sake, get a grip of yourself" and so I did.
When I was being particularly ridiculous, my Dad liked to remind me that my Grandfather was one of eleven.
Relax, TV and chicken nuggets at Grandma's won't hurt your child and they should develop a lovely relationship.