DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

if they are watching something like Bluey, the stories are often about games the dad plays with the kids, so it's a springboard for ideas for role play. My son watched CBeebies ( I think a tablet where they are flicking, swiping etc is not good until older - studies have reported this can be detrimental to them developing other skills if introduced too early). When he was 3 we bought one of those specific v-tech child tablets for him. We spent a lot of time doing other things with him until about 5/6 and then we were just too exhausted to care too much lol........ he's now 12 and a perfectly well rounded sociable being.

I think parents put way too much pressure on themselves these days to feed their child the perfect nutritious food, limit screens and provide enriching activities for the vast majority of the day etc. Honestly, what you’ve described isn’t doing your child any harm at all. I grew up up in the 80’s and ate unhealthy food and snacks most days as well as watching loads of tv. I’ve grown up into a perfectly functioning adult who exercises, eats healthily, doesn’t have any health problems etc. Your child is loved, well cared for, is getting nutritious healthy meals for the majority of the time and is having far less screen time than most kids. In the kindest possible way, you need to relax a bit and stop sweating the small stuff.

YABU.

You are unbelievably lucky. My DM and DMIL did not give us a single hour of childcare. My DC went to nursery and the cost crippled us (low salary job in social care).

You should be kissing your MILs hand in gratitude for what she is doing.

People need a break. I used to play endlessly with my toddlers - painting, drawing, pretend play, reading endless stories, listening to music and watching children's TV. Sometimes I just wanted to do something else, or needed to cook dinner, and they watched whatever was on (which in my day would be children's TV about that time) or played by themselves. MiL is giving up 8 hours of her time for free. She is bonding with her GS - OP needs to relax a bit.

I agree with this. I mean I'm all for a healthy diet for kids but some parents become so hyper focused on this, they lose all sense of perspective on anything else. I've seen all sorts on here, parents up at 4am baking their own bread because god forbid they eat a loaf bought in the supermarket. Limiting contact with grandparents, family members and friends due to the food being offered or screen time. Making their children feel different by insisting they eat a different alternative or packed lunch to a meal that is offered at school dinners/nursery which is what everyone else is offered.

A child's overall health isn't just nutrition alone, social and emotional development comes into this as well. If children are prevented from building relationships with trusted loving family members or made to be singled out by eating some different due to the food that is being offered, I imagine that is far more damaging than the occasional processed or unhealthy food items.

I agree and it's often the same with breast feeding. Women will run themselves physically and mentally into the ground, get huge feelings of inadequacy and raging PND trying to get to grips with BFing, which is a breeze for many people but hell on earth for others. They have a baby that is always hungry and never settles, they have a baby that never goes through the night long after everyone else's is sleeping 8-10 hours, they have a baby that is underweight, their nipples look like chopped liver and they can't delegate feeding to anyone ever so they can rest, but would they put a bottle with some formula in their babies mouth for a bit of respite? Would they hell, they'd rather drop dead of exhaustion first. All because they are terrified of being judged and found lacking as a mother.

Yeah I'd agree with that. How many of us have lovely memories with Grandparents maybe eating something our parents wouldn't give us and watching telly. Now we're obsessed with Montessori nurseries and organic meals but really those memories are priceless.

I remember staying with my Grandparents at the weekend and Grandad was always up super early. Id get up with him and we've have tea and biscuits and watch cartoons while everyone was still asleep. He passed away a long time ago and I still think about those happy times.

OMG are you my sister?!

So did I. He kept his digestives in a tin and I'd dip them in his tea while wearing his big cardigan with the buttons that looked like leathery footballs and always smelt of him. Radio 2 burbling in the backround. He also used to chop up Cadbury's Dairy Milk into squares and put them in a little plastic tub just for us.

As previous posters have said, she loves him. She is doing no harm. If it was a bag of crisps and plonked in front of the TV the whole time that's different.

This isn't lazy of her, it's no doubt how your DH was raised and you thought he turned out so well you chose him put of all the men you could have.

Give her, and yourself, a break.
I understand how you feel but you can send food over with him?

I hope you don't feel we are criticising your feelings, OP. It's just much better to have Grandma time than to be farmed out with a huge childcare bill to someone that doesn't love him like Grannie does.

I hope you find a compromise where you can all be happier with the arrangements.

The main issue with screen time is tablets. You say you’re not planning to get him one so TV is fine.

Sometimes I feel people misunderstand the whole ‘screen time’ thing and go way overboard.

This is by far the most hilarious post I've ever read on MN!! Talk about entitled and ungrateful!! Give the MIL a break!! (TV time, oven food 😅). She's helping you out big time! (Still chuckling about "oven food" and the obsession with "cooking from scratch " 😂). We can't do it all the time!

I think we all must be related as my grandad also had those cardigans with the leather buttons (knitted by my nan obvs)... but he gave me nesquik and biscuits in the morning.

OMG have just remembered the leather football-like cardigan buttons! 😮

You should say something, along the lines of "thanks for looking after my spawn, for free"

My children are 13 now and I totally remember how anxious you get over absolutely everything when dc are small. My midwife used to use a phrase 'good enough'. Will your parenting and MiL childcare be perfect? Unfortunately that's not possible for nearly everyone. But is it good enough? He sounds happy and loved and his nutrition is overall good. So please relax if you can OP as this will only help your overall health.

I read it as 4 hours a week, missed the 2 days a week part. I have no problem with kids watching tv or eating whatever, it’s the OP who does. If I was looking after a child for 4 hours at a time a couple of days a week I don’t think I could let their only entertainment be the tv, even a little walk outside breaks up the day…as a parent though, to get things done then yeah, you do what you’ve gotta do to get things done.

One of my grandsons was like that for a while but he's older now and understands the reasons. His Mum is what I call precious over what he eats to the point I feel he is under weight. (Split Parents Co parenting. Dad gets weekends). Nothing I can do or say as she is NC with me. 😒

Entitled much??

I just think because we can more easily measure issues like stimulation and diet over measuring attachment relationships we forget how important they are because it's easy to be miss the growth of it. It's normal so you don't think about it. But when you haven't build up relationships with family members over time it shows in show many ways. But again it's not always easy to identify why people behave or feel they way they do. As my kids get older and they can articulate how they feel about family members and wanting to spent time with them, I'm so grateful they have caring family on both sides who they know well and can rely on. Whilst it's natural, it's shocking how many children don't have that. And there is nothing more sad than that.

Dear OP, I think this post is more about your chronic illness and how it is affecting you. Your resentment is telling,and you feel it unfair to you. Perhaps get some counselling to talk over your worries and frustrations maybe it will be helpful.

"only" twice a week might not seem a lot to you, but it IS a lot for a 61 year old when it is EVERY week. 30 mins of tv time twice a week is not a lot. if you dont like the food she is providing then send a meal that can be reheated quickly and easily and also send healthy snacks. you say she is taking the "shortcuts" from you.... well if you are taking these shortcuts then you cant blame her for doing it either. get your husband to cook when you are struggling and allow your childs grandma to just be a grandma. i have never had the luxury of having free childcare. in fact i have been the free childcare and was for several years..... i can tell you it is frustrating to say the LEAST when you have demands made or comments that are critical. if you keep on complaining however tactful or nice you think you are being, you may find yourself without that childcare all together. dont ask her to do more, dont tell her how to do it stop teaching grandma to suck eggs. i dont know how many children she has raised but you married her son so he is alive and well so just leave it be is my advice. you do those same "shortcuts" YABVU

also wanted to add have you looked into yoto or tonies? screen free stories for children of all ages. my son has both and he loves the yoto more. yoto has a child friendly podcast every day too and yoto radio. it might be a good thing to help wean him off tv and when you have a bad day you can allow some story time so you can rest too.
just to add... i do understand chronic illness i have one and my husband is an amputee aswell

Id suggest that on your good days you batch cook and freeze "healthy" meals for the 5 days you have your son. Allow your child to have nuggets and chips at his granny's house twice a week. 2 days out of 7 sounds good to me and I bet he loves going to granny for tea😁No point causing drama over petty stuff!

Lots of suggestions that you hand over prepared meals. Just beware, you risk offending her. However you pitch it, you will be messaging that you don’t approve of/like her choice of food.