DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

You are being unreasonable and ungrateful. Especially since you just said you didn't want gran to use these option because you want to do it, when you need to make things easier. It's a short time out of the week you are leaving your DS with MIL. If he is otherwise loved and cared for I would just be grateful for a grandmother's care. If it doesn't suit you ,make other arrangements but be prepared to pay and sometimes even provide a packed lunch. His state funded hours likely won't apply until he's 2.

This! @,pollyglot
Well said. Sense of entitlement with op is unreal

Well I was that parent who was out and about a lot to baby groups, however when in the house the TV was kind of always on. My kids had some shows they enjoyed. Then they often pottered about playing, crafting etc, and would ignore the TV. I don’t think there is anything wrong with the CBeebies shows for toddlers. They are aimed at toddlers and lots of research has gone into them about the kids of way they are presented and their content. Mine were big Mr Tumble fans. IPlayer wasn’t really a thing 15 years ago but we had plenty of DVDs. They learned a lot from that show. We did bsl signing anyway from birth so that we had a good communication tool and the mr tumble makaton really engaged them and gave them more signs. They also loved lots of the role play shows. Balamory. Can’t quite remember some of them. Zing Zillas was a fave too. My eldest didn’t get on much with cartoons until Peppa pig. That drove me mad but we interspersed with with other things. Youngest loved the wiggles. We had this on dvd as well. I couldn’t sit them down to anything like Wallace and from it and things longer and aimed at older kids. They’d lose interest. My 15 year old still likes the CBeebies pantos and I don’t mind. I was glad when they moved onto more interesting content on cbbc when they were older but it wasn’t toddler age.

My DM was a retired teacher so when she looked after them she kind of went overboard with learning opportunities and had plenty books and games and crafts for them. Cooking as well. But she was also 60 and found it quite exhausting. So the TV did go on. They did eat rubbish at her house. It’s was fine. She took my eldest out a lot to cafes with my aunt and then her grandson as well. But by the time my youngest came along her health had really deteriorated and she didn’t get out as much.

At the moment it’s a bad time of year. Cold, dark, wet. Maybe in the summer the MIL could take your DS out to the park or to toddler sessions etc? You haven’t said whether your DMIL has toys etc at her house. Maybe you need to send over some games or crafts for them to do. Not all had parents know what to do with toddlers. It’s a long time since they had their own children and times have changed a lot.

But o do think yabu about the whole thing as it’s free childcare and only 4 hours. My DM had mine usually longer than that so TV
tome was inevitable.

@Chilliinitiative

' And I’ll easily be able to prepare some health food options before they arrive!'

that will be amazing ! esp as you are unable to do this now for your own child every single day of the week.

' These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling '

and

' What about when there is a tricky day at some point in the week (there always is). Then it becomes 3 out of 7 main meals every week which I feel is too much. God forbid we have two tricky days! Then it’s 4 out of 7! '

You have no idea how many ' tricky ' days you may have when you are 61 / caring unoaid for a grandchild - it may be 30 years in the future.

You don't appear to currently batch cook, so what makes you believe you will be doing so in 30 ? years time for a grandchild ?

I agree with you OP but we live in a very individual society now unfortunately so most won't agree.

Pat on the back for having high standards. Well done you . The problem with your above hypothetical paragraph is you have no idea what you’re going to feel or do in the future. You are not a grandparent so have no idea .

They only have junk food once a week in UK schools, the menu is healthy and varied.

Chilliinitiative · Yesterday 14:59
I am absolutely prepared to offer childcare for my grandchildren in the future and I will absolutely entertain them without screens as much as I can rather than treat them as a default. I would much rather have a giggle with my grandchild over a game and make memories going out somewhere than scroll on my phone whilst they watch TV. And I’ll easily be able to prepare some health food options before they arrive!
But I am obviously being unreasonable. My standards are obviously too high and I can’t expect them of anyone else.

Initially, I thought that this was a jest, so ludicrous was it. Then I realised that this person is serious!!

Oh FFS! Smug or what?You do not have the SLIGHTEST IDEA of what it is to retire from FT work at 69-70, and then to turn into some kind of Mrs Doubtfire! I'll bet that you will never have the energy to perform the Granny Perfect role that you state you will undertake. That is, of course, assuming that you are working until that age, and not dependent on a rich/working spouse. Up to 65, working full time as a teacher in a highly academic school, singlehandedly looking after an acre of gardens and orchard I could run and play with the DGC, but now, approaching 75, I'm suddenly old. Other peers experienced the "Old Lady Collapse" years before me. Don't count on being fit and healthy and active into your 60s and 70s. And stop shaming grannies who just cannot manage being a carer in that age.

unfortunately this is simply not true. It’s like school meals have improved from when I went to school 30 years ago. My son recently started foundation and Thursday is pizza and chips, friday is chicken nuggets or battered fish. Every day there is pudding offered with no nutritional value whatsoever - icecream, jelly, jam buns. Monday to Wednesday is better but even then it’s full of processed meat. Breakfast club also entirely based on high sugar cereals, white toast and Jam and chocolate croissants. Barely any of this a 4 year old needs.

anyOP · Yesterday 23:55

Blueswirl · Yesterday 23:46

They only have junk food once a week in UK schools, the menu is healthy and varied.

unfortunately this is simply not true. It’s like school meals have improved from when I went to school 30 years ago. My son recently started foundation and Thursday is pizza and chips, friday is chicken nuggets or battered fish. Every day there is pudding offered with no nutritional value whatsoever - icecream, jelly, jam buns. Monday to Wednesday is better but even then it’s full of processed meat. Breakfast club also entirely based on high sugar cereals, white toast and Jam and chocolate croissants. Barely any of this a 4 year old needs.

Oh, how I agree. Worked in several top-shelf private schools, huge termly fees, utterly crap food.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. My mum used to let my children nap all afternoon (on the rare afternoons she looked after them) so she didn't have to play with them, which made it hard for me when they weren't tired at bedtime. Also on the rare occasion when my DH has them on his own he takes them to macdonalds and doesn't do any of the things I have to do every day such as laundry and clearing up the kitchen.

It's frustrating when other people take these shortcuts so you don't have the option for them if you want the children to be healthy and stimulated the rest of the time.

I don't think you can do much about it as you are getting free childcare, but I definitely agree that it seems unfair.

I sympathise because we had similar issues. She might regard it as being kind of- giving him treat food and telly he loves.

I would supply the food. They eat so little at that age that even 2 days of nutritionally devoid food is not great.

Let the screen time go. He's not spending enough time with her for it to be an issue.

Blueswirl · Today 00:05

I don't think you can do much about it as you are getting free childcare, but I definitely agree that it seems unfair.

Unfair????? Pay for childcare then! Resentment over free childcare is not a good look.

You're struggling.
You have health issues .
Your MIL is feeding your child food you don't want them to have and giving too much screen time.

Is your DH useless?
Is he incapable of cooking and freezing healthier microwavable food to send for his own child??
Is he incapable of speaking to his own mother???

What's grandad doing during the 2 afternoons, is he around or out?

This time of year it's too cold to go out and in my experience it's bloody painful for some people over 60.

I also think MIL is doing you a huge favour by having little one 2 afternoons per week, she doesn't have to, she might not really want to but she might not want to rock the boat.

I think you're over-analysing what happens at MIL's. It's not easy being 60, that's why the majority of women have children when they're young. Once you hit 40 it's all downhill - everybody is different in how they cope with getting older. Parents in law might resent your younger ages, their babysitting sessions must be exhausting but they're trying to help because you need them to. How would you manage if they said they wanted to visit but didn't really feel upto childcare?

As long as little man is happy that's all that matters. Spend the time MIL has him to concentrate on yourself - surely that's downtime for you, stop winding yourself up about unnecessary things that aren't helping anyone. Honestly some things aren't worth stressing over especially when your health is compromised. Nothing has to be perfect, it can be 'good enough'. xx

Pay a baby sitter then …

I have a feeling that OP is going to look back on this post at a later date and cringe.

What I wouldn’t give to have a mother or MIL who looked after our DD twice a month, let alone twice a week. You don’t know how lucky you are! YABU

hi chilliinitiative
i've found the posts here fascinating. oh how mumsnetters can change their spots! usually they spout grand superiority and advocate impossibly high standards for almost everything, but on this thread it seems that any old rubbish is good enough for your child. and there doesn't seem to be a lot of sympathy either, for a mother who's obviously struggling.
perhaps the most important thing is that i think you are not so much struggling with your mil's behaviour, as with the whole of your life. you sound utterly exhausted. this is something you need to address, and before you decide how to "handle" your mil's methods. your current position is that if you offend your mil you may lose her help and find yourself yet more exhausted. one thing at a time!
meanwhile i'd like to offer sympathy on that score. along with exhaustion you have a mil who has very different ideas of caring for your young son. which is adding to the stress of all the things you can't quite manage yourself but wish you could. you wrote, "I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me". well she simply isn't you! she probably doesn't even want to do things your way. that doesn't help you right now, but i think you'll find a way to reduce the impact of what i might call your mil's sloppy ways but i really hope you won't say anything like that to her! remember, she brought up her son to be the man you fell in love with, so she's probably very happy with things as they are.
so what should you do?
i think you need to work on the principle of improving things one step at a time. first yourself. how can you manage your health issues so that you can be happier with the compromises you need to make for your son? should you see your doctor and ask about possible options for improved treatment/management. are you sleeping properly? forgive me if i'm stating the obvious, but sometimes health issues can be worse than usual, and prevent you from taking the steps you would normally take to maximise your own health.
this thread is riven with advice about batch cooking and freezing meals, or buying healthier versions. i would add trying to simplify recipes where possible. for my own "down days" i have "tricks" to keep things going until i can get back to normal.
i would also suggest looking for other ways to entertain without tv, when you are less able to give input to games etc yourself. perhaps some simple musical instruments that your son can play and entertain himself with his music. perhaps toys that you can watch him play and just make encouraging conversation while you rest.
another question, do you have friends or other family members who could help out a little? not by offering childcare, but perhaps just by occasionally being with you both while you cook and play?
and remember two important things. your son doesn't benefit from you being stressed; and he would probably lose out by not seeing his grandma. so it'll be worth working on compromises that suits you both.
and when it comes to your dh talking to your mil, i'm afraid that "subtle hints" rarely work. it will be better if he discusses properly, explains simply what your goals are and how she can help achieve those, along with asking her how she feels about the current position and what suggestions she might want to make. i think people can generally be more accommodating if they are consulted rather than told.
good luck with everything, and please be kind to yourself.

You say what you want when you spend time with DS, but have you thought that you need to listen to what he wants. It’s not unreasonable for a child to want TV and an activity that he can enjoy alone. All the activities you describe require engagement and interaction with you. He needs to switch off sometimes and spectate.
I wonder if this issue is to do with your feelings more than his. Do you worry you don’t give enough ‘quality’ time?
Also, prepare for a challenge negotiating play dates and school in general when all his peers will talk about the characters from the TV shows they enjoy.
I used to be anxious I didn’t spend more time doing crafts with my DC, but they have grown up to be far more creative and capable in lots of areas that I didn’t really influence. They’ve done extremely well academically and are articulate adults engaged with the world despite spending many hours viewing TV and consuming a healthy, balanced diet which included home-cooked, from scratch meals and a proportion of ‘oven’ ones.
Maybe put away your prejudices and (misplaced) guilt and enjoy your DC.

It's not for your MIL to "make up" for the times you're struggling and feed home cooked from scratch food because you can't. As someone with a disability myself I don't get sole dibs on the easy short cuts when it comes to my child. If they're OK for me they're OK for everyone else.

There is nothing wrong with cbeebies.

@blueswirl so you're an ungrateful r** too

I get you op. But I also agree that grandma is the best care after you. Great suggestions from pp to prep food and take with you, which will work. But for a baby - which is what 20 months is - i’d definitely say no TV. No baby needs to be watching a screen. Take loads of activity stuff with you, his favourite toys, and maybe ask her to take him outside for a walk or a play in the garden if he gets bored?

I am in my 60's and look after my DGS quite frequently for shortish sessions and have done since he was very young. He's now 30 months. I also manage this alongside caring for my severely disabled DH. We always have the TV on in the background and it's surprised me that a lot of the children's TV has a lot of educational quality. DGS doesn't watch it all the time just some things he has taken a liking to. He also plays with the box of toys I've accumulated for him. Once a week him and DD come for tea and sometimes I make a time consuming cooked from scratch meal and sometimes something faster. From what you say he's talking quite well for 20 months so sounds to be progressing alright. The main thing I think is that he is happy to spend time with DGP and they are giving him plenty of love.