DMIL giving TV time and oven food for toddler - should I say anything?

[Chilliinitiative]

Name changed as outing.

DMIL looks after DS (20 months) 2 afternoons a week (about 4 hours each time). I know the mumsnet consensus is that no one is entitled to childcare from grandparents so I’d like to point out that I am very grateful for this.

The issue I have is that DS always comes home from there having watched what seems to be a lot of TV. He has started saying the names of lots of TV programmes we have never showed him. DMIL also sometimes brags that they ‘only’ watched 30 mins today. It worries me how much they are watching normally. DH and I are aware that some screen time won’t do any harm and is almost unavoidable in this day and age but also the studies show it should be limited and also DS is still very young. We’re very against DS getting a tablet for example.

MIL also only feeds DS oven food like chicken nuggets and chips, despite cooking for herself and FIL the rest of the week. We’ve said on many occasions that DS can eat whatever MIL and FIL are eating but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Another factor that complicates matters is that I have a health condition that sometimes means I do struggle. These ‘shortcuts’ in my eyes such as easy food and TV should ideally be reserved for when I’m struggling, (MIL is aware this happens regularly).

Between my struggling and MIL, DS is having too much rubbish food and TV. When I’m fit and well, I play games, do crafts, take DS out etc and cook from scratch. I’m trying to make sure he has a varied diet and is exposed to lots of tastes and healthy food from an early age. In fact even when I’m not well I’m still doing this and making myself ill as I feel I have to compensate for the time he’s spending with her.

I don’t understand why MIL can’t do the same as me when I’m well as she is a fit 61 year old. I just don’t think it should be so hard to keep a toddler entertained without TV for 4 hours. If it was occasionally or once a week I wouldn’t blink an eye but it is every time without fail. DH has made some subtle hints that we have noticed her routine is TV and oven food and we’re not thrilled but she was defensive and hasn’t changed her behaviour.

YABU - You’re getting free childcare, you can’t set terms. Keep quiet.

YANBU - It’s only 4 hours. She shouldn’t be relying on rubbish food and TV. Especially when it’s taking all the ‘shortcuts’ from you when you spend the most time with him and need it due to your health condition. DH should say something - again!

It's really easy to say that when you're not in your 60s and have no idea how it feels to be a grandparent.

I love having my little grandkids for occasional childcare, but if be lying I'd I said that I was as proactive and energetic with them as I was with my own children at that age. I need the occasional TV break, even though I'm concerned about screens. I do the occasional craft activity, but not as much as I did with my own. When I take them to the park I want it to be over after a few minutes, because it's tiring running around after them and pushing them on swings.

When mine were the same age I was one of those mums who loved every minute of it all and filled my kids days with activities (sickening, I know!). But now I'm three and a half decades older, and I can't do it. I love my grandkids and love having them, but I have to pace myself.

Do not fret. Children need to relax. They don't need to be stimulated all the time. If your child is happy when he leaves his grandparents home, then you should be thrilled . You are worrying about something that will not affect him detrimentaly long term. Look at the bigger picture. Free childcare, time spent with important figures in child's life. The alternative is not always better.

I am a 61 year old fit Grandmother and I look after my grandsons regularly so my daughter can work , and have done since they were babies - at 61 , however fit you are, it is very tiring looking after small children and I am sure your MIL finds some shortcuts helpful - I tend to make a larger portion of certain meals when we are eating them that I know the little ones like ( fish pie, cottage pie, spaghetti Bol etc and freeze the extra in toddler size portions so they are quick and easy to defrost when the boys are here however sometimes I’m not that organised and they get chicken nuggets and chips . They also watch some to but I sit with them with a welcome cup of coffee and chat to them about the programme and what is happening- be grateful for the care and don’t stress about the details . The toddler obviously loves going 🤷🏻‍♀️

Average TV time for my 2 and 4 year old is about an hour a day in colder months! Occasionally we have a family movie night. In summer we may have none as we go for evening strolls/ the kids can play outside.

Although TV time is uaully the hour before dinner my 2 year old will still ask for TV at random intervals during the day so I don't think it is unusual. He also asks for chocolate, cake and lollies and he definitely doesn't have those daily!

Your child is building a loving bond with their grandparent and building a relationship with them. The benefits that will do to their social and emotional development far outweighs 2 meals of oven food a week and a few hours of TV.

You complain your MIL giving your child oven food means that you then can't give your child oven food if you're exhausted but it isn't your MIL responsibility what your child eats at home. If you're child eats 3 meals a day (21 meals a week) and 2 or 3 of these are oven food, then the majority of their other meals are healthy food I'm assuming.

You can't have it both ways. You can't expect free childcare to suit you then moan because you aren't fully in control or it somehow impacts on your ability to parent. Your child is only with your MIL four hours a week. It's hardly anything I'm the grandscheme of things and you frankly sound ridiculous and unreasonable.

Our cheat meals are
Scrambled egg on toast and baked beans.
Noodles cooked with chicken stock and peas and sweet corn.
A wrap with tomato puree, cheese in the oven for 10 minutes, that's our cheating pizza.

They are quicker than oven food and without as much guilt.

At his age it's natural for him to become more fussy with food and also to want more TV. I often find the children that have these things so restricted tend to be the ones who crave it more.

We have had to put a lot of restrictions in when it comes to my DM and still she just does what she wants sometimes. But the relationship she has with them doesn't make a dent on what I have with them. No matter how much she spoils them.

You don't sound ungrateful to me, you just want what's best for him and that's a given whether you pay for it or not.

MIL is retired. Therefore I also resent it a little bit that I have to juggle a job, being a Mum and also sort food for when she has a lot more free time and better health than I do.

This bit is ridiculous. Imagine being resentful of a retired woman. Your MIL has done her time working and being a mum, she's entitled to all the free time she wants. I don't see what you working and preparing food has to do with being a mum. That's your responsibility as a parent, not your MILs as a grandparent.

You should count yourself bloody lucky. Be careful what you wish for. Do you not have ANY bad habits?

and pretentious.

My kids both watched a fair bit of TV when they were toddlers, I often resorted to it! They knew the CBeebies back catalogue pretty well and I feel no shame for using TV to help me cope, probably more than I should have done.
But they've grown up to be intelligent, capable near adults who read a lot and hardly watch TV themselves which I find interesting.
They are a fair bit of crap food too but are now both quite health conscious and enjoy cooking meals from scratch.

Cut yourself and your MIL some slack, life is hard enough without worrying about these things. Your child will be fine. Be grateful that he is developing a lovely close bond with his grandma and relax. It will all be OK x

Honestly you need to chill. A Grandparent's job isn't really to 'parent' a grandchild, it's to love and care for them which it sounds like your DMIL is doing.

Rather than focusing on what your DMIL isn't doing in the way that you'd like, instead look at what that relationship is giving to your child e.g. evidence shows that children who spend regular time with grandparents develop stronger language skills. Having lots of people who love them in their life is so good for a child's development and self esteem, if your child is safe and cared for, then just let the TV go.

Awwww come on it's 8 hours a week all together,you wanna put yourself in my shoes and any other parent that has a autistic child,my son watches Tele all day or he's tabby and won't eat properly,so i think anyone that complains about what you did you have a problem not your mother in-law not you son,you,there's alot of parents out there with children that do that day in day out,but won't openly admit it,I will,my autistic son is the only one out of my five that do do this but still my other kids like to watch tv so why stop them,I'd give anything from my son to come and tell me what he actually wants to watch like yours did,my son's non verbal and can't tell me what he wants,so in all fairness I think you need to ease up,she's not letting him play outside where's it's dangerous she's feeding him she's clearly looking after him well,chill out mum coz there's a lot of parents would love to be in your shoes

Why don’t you batch cook and freeze healthy meals so when you are struggling you can cook that instead of ‘oven meals’?

The DH could batch cook them too.

Be a bit more humble she’s probably giving him things you don’t even understand. Trust is very important, after all she raised the man you wanted to marry. Stop being so judgmental. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar so praise her a little as well as thank her.

A little one will only watch about 15 mins of TV at a time anyway. The TV may be on but I doubt they are actually sitting watching. I’m a babysitting 60+ Grandma too, and trust me she’s doing great. I’m a craft and artist nanny, so they get some of that. But I totally understand how hard it is for us older gals, there’s a reason we don’t carry on breeding!

Absolutely.
One day you will look back on this and wonder what you were worrying about.

I don't say that to be patronising because I do remember what it's like when your kids are small but take it from those of us further along the road that this really isn't worth the worry & potential bad feelings.

Now if she starts giving him cigarettes or alcohol at age 13 or something, then you might want to step in! 😉

What childcare by grandparents offers is something that is not provided by anyone else or any other service. That is an attachment relationship with another family member, which is invaluable. Children need to be surrounded by people who love them and care about them and who they know will love them regardless. That, of course, is priceless and that is the primary advantage of your son spending time with his Nanny no matter whether he has chicken nuggets and watches tv. He is lucky to have that time as that will pay dividends in the future, which attending nursery or a childminder will not in that respect. You clearly don't understand the value that brings for your son in terms of his emotional resilience, which in my view is incredibly important for him.

This is such an important post and illustrative of the fact that so many have become hyper focused on entirely the wrong things.

The schools in our area use Caterlink which has a varied menu of healthy food and junk food only on Fridays. My kids love it. I know not all areas have this though.

@IhateMondaymornings @TheKeatingFive Thank you for a very well thought out and eloquent response. You have reminded me of what’s most important and that I do have a lot to be grateful for.

Hey Op don’t let the Mum guilt get to you. The mental load is hard enough as it is.
It’s okay if some weeks he gets more oven food and screen time than others.

I have a chronic illness also and my DD just turned 2 a few days ago. There are some weeks my endo flares up at random times
and my DD gets oven food, those kids frozen meals and all the Hey Duggee and Bluey she wants. Then there a weeks everything is normal and she had her usual daily outings and activities. It’s all about balance.

I can guarantee you he’s not watching it for the 4 hours, his attention span is not there for that. And food thing also is normal, they go through fun random food phases, I can admit there have been times my DD has survived on just air.
You’re a good Mum and you are doing a good job. Don’t stress about your MIL, she’s spending those 8 hours loving him and that’s what he needs.

Honestly it's fine. Agree about a tablet but a television show on CBeebies or whatever is absolutely fine. Don't let it worry you. 4 hours is a lot of time for a grandparent to entertain a toddler.

Thank you @Summerlilly x

well the AAP recommended masking 3 year olds and vaccines for children during covid. Our governing bodies, thankfully, did not.