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Original poster

To not go to the races for my friends birthday?

268 replies

Bumpnwalk · 08/01/2025 16:02

I was added to a WhatsApp group the other day, created by my friend. She has added about 15 people into it and it’s to discuss the plans for her birthday. She has said that she is organising a day at the races and has told us the cost etc and has asked if we can let her know asap who can make it.

She isn’t my best friend, but is still a friend of mine that I have known for quite a while and I was looking forward to spending her birthday with her. My heart sank because I absolutely do not want to attend the races. Straight away I thought, well I can’t go. But then I thought well maybe I can do it for her, for her birthday, so that I get to celebrate it with her. However, I know for a fact that I will not enjoy the day. I don’t want to put my money into something that I don’t agree with and am morally against. The thought of getting all dressed up and having to watch it makes me feel very uncomfortable. My boyfriend has asked me in the past if I would want to go and I told him I will never attend.

I have been vegan for 8 years and work with animals so I am hoping she will understand. If this was your birthday event, would you be upset/offended/pissed off if one of your friends didn’t attend for this reason? I haven’t replied to the WhatsApp yet but will need to soon as she sent it a few days ago.

OP posts:
Bonjovispyjamas · 08/01/2025 16:05

I'd totally understand. I would never go to the races either.

nonbinaryfinery · 08/01/2025 16:05

You don't have to go. I wouldn't go either, I think horse racing is barbaric. Racing any animal is barbaric. They're not entertainment to be bet and played on.

Original poster
Bumpnwalk · 08/01/2025 16:07

nonbinaryfinery · 08/01/2025 16:05

You don't have to go. I wouldn't go either, I think horse racing is barbaric. Racing any animal is barbaric. They're not entertainment to be bet and played on.

Thank you. These are my thoughts as well

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 08/01/2025 16:09

You are not be unreasonable. You shouldn't attend on ethical grounds as it's against your principles. It's up to you whether you tell her exactly why you can't attend or, if you think she will be difficult, make up an excuse that would be more acceptable to her. Don't attend out of obligation as you will find it really upsetting.

romdowa · 08/01/2025 16:10

Do you have to tell her the reason? Just simply say can't make it, hope you all have a lovely time.

theeyeofdoe · 08/01/2025 16:11

I love going to the horse races. I don't think it's any different to someone sitting on a horse and jumping with them in a show jumping competition.

Just say that you're not free.

SeaShellsSanctuary180 · 08/01/2025 16:12

There is no reason you should not stand by your values and it would be somewhat hypocritical to go if you have declined before on the same basis.

You should be honest with your friend, you don't have to come across as judgemental, just say its not for you as you find it upsetting.

MassiveSalad22 · 08/01/2025 16:14

You said yourself she’s asked if you can make it. So say no.

windyhairday · 08/01/2025 16:14

I don't think you have to worry, it sounds like a fair few people were invited, in quite an informal type way, with the expectation some people wouldn't be able to come. There would be celebration types I wouldnt be into either, I think that goes for most people tbh. Just say you're sorry to miss celebrating with her, catch up when you can, etc. I wouldn't talk about the reason on the watsapp group.

Original poster
Bumpnwalk · 08/01/2025 16:15

romdowa · 08/01/2025 16:10

Do you have to tell her the reason? Just simply say can't make it, hope you all have a lovely time.

I suppose I don’t have the tell her the reason, but she will ask. We have been friends since we were about 17 and are in our late 20s now and see each other fairly regularly. So I know she will most likely bring it up

OP posts:
Fluffyholeysocks · 08/01/2025 16:15

Just decline, don't give a reason. It's her birthday, she wants to do it, you're not a best friend so I doubt she would mind as she has invited 15 in the group.

JollyJunee · 08/01/2025 16:15

Just say you are really sorry but you won’t be free, but you’d love to do something else together another day?
if she pushes it ask why, just be honest and say you don’t agree with horse racing, but state again you’d be up for something else /a get together another time.

EmotionalSupportBiscuit · 08/01/2025 16:16

I wouldn’t go and have refused to attend even work ‘team building’ events that were held at the races.

I would tell her why but I do appreciate it could come across as judgement of her and her choices. So I’d try and be gentle. You could say ‘as you know I’m vegan so don’t feel comfortable attending’ - offer to meet for a drink as you’d still like to celebrate her birthday.

ChloeCannotCanCan · 08/01/2025 16:17

theeyeofdoe · 08/01/2025 16:11

I love going to the horse races. I don't think it's any different to someone sitting on a horse and jumping with them in a show jumping competition.

Just say that you're not free.

Well yes, and I suspect the OP wouldn't like that either given her love for animals and dislike of seeing them exploited for 'fun'....

romdowa · 08/01/2025 16:17

Bumpnwalk · 08/01/2025 16:15

I suppose I don’t have the tell her the reason, but she will ask. We have been friends since we were about 17 and are in our late 20s now and see each other fairly regularly. So I know she will most likely bring it up

Show quote history

Prior engagement ? Sick aunt ? I dunno but I wouldn't be mentioning the morality of her birthday activity.

TheChosenTwo · 08/01/2025 16:17

I’d just say you can’t make it. If she pushes you can say it’s not your kind of thing and let her draw her own conclusions if she wants.

Xag · 08/01/2025 16:19

Just decline as ‘unable to attend’

Don’t say any more in the group, as unfortunately that could come across all wrong. You could tell people in conversation (if they ask, which they almost certainly won’t) that as a vegan you are ethically opposed. And then change the subject

Bonjovispyjamas · 08/01/2025 16:19

theeyeofdoe · 08/01/2025 16:11

I love going to the horse races. I don't think it's any different to someone sitting on a horse and jumping with them in a show jumping competition.

Just say that you're not free.

Tell that to the two horses who died in one day at Cheltenham last year.

TorroFerney · 08/01/2025 16:19

Bumpnwalk · 08/01/2025 16:15

I suppose I don’t have the tell her the reason, but she will ask. We have been friends since we were about 17 and are in our late 20s now and see each other fairly regularly. So I know she will most likely bring it up

Show quote history

It’s not my thing is a perfectly reasonable follow up answer if asked. But to be honest you saying can’t make it should be enough, there should be no need for her to ask anything, she should just say oh that’s a shame but thanks for letting me know.

Member984815 · 08/01/2025 16:19

romdowa · 08/01/2025 16:10

Do you have to tell her the reason? Just simply say can't make it, hope you all have a lovely time.

Just say you can't make it and nothing more

HereForTheAnimals · 08/01/2025 16:19

Yeah you are vegan and that is a perfect reason not to attend. She might not realise why horse racing goes against your ethics, so if you explain I'm sure she'll understand.

Original poster
Bumpnwalk · 08/01/2025 16:20

romdowa · 08/01/2025 16:17

Prior engagement ? Sick aunt ? I dunno but I wouldn't be mentioning the morality of her birthday activity.

Show quote history

yes this is what I’m wondering. Whether I should just say I already have something booked that day? I don’t really want to lie though, but I suppose it’s only a white lie and isn’t a big deal. There’s something stopping me from telling her the real reason, I feel like she will take it in a weird way as if I’m judging and I’m not… I just don’t personally want to go

OP posts:
BlueberryShortcakePixie · 08/01/2025 16:20

Just tell her the reason, it’s no big deal. If she’s your friend she should know why you can’t go.

Original poster
Bumpnwalk · 08/01/2025 16:22

Member984815 · 08/01/2025 16:19

Just say you can't make it and nothing more

Show quote history

We don’t have that kind of blunt relationship. If she invites me to her birthday and I just say “sorry can’t come, but have a great time” she will absolutely call me or text me to have a chat about it and ask why I can’t come. We aren’t best friends but we are still close enough that she would want me at her birthday. If I tell her I already have something planned, she will probably ask if I can rearrange it (she’s done this before) so I’d have to have a pretty solid lie about something that I absolutely can’t cancel

OP posts:
GasPanic · 08/01/2025 16:22

I mean if you have been friends 10 years then I am surprised she would not know that you might be against it morally if you are a vegan and work with animals.

Can't you just tell her you don't agree with racing because you don't like the idea of horses being hurt, but you'd be happy to go out for a meal/drink with her on another date ?

If she is a good friend she should understand/know it is an important part of your life.