To not go to the races for my friends birthday?

[Bumpnwalk]

I was added to a WhatsApp group the other day, created by my friend. She has added about 15 people into it and it’s to discuss the plans for her birthday. She has said that she is organising a day at the races and has told us the cost etc and has asked if we can let her know asap who can make it.

She isn’t my best friend, but is still a friend of mine that I have known for quite a while and I was looking forward to spending her birthday with her. My heart sank because I absolutely do not want to attend the races. Straight away I thought, well I can’t go. But then I thought well maybe I can do it for her, for her birthday, so that I get to celebrate it with her. However, I know for a fact that I will not enjoy the day. I don’t want to put my money into something that I don’t agree with and am morally against. The thought of getting all dressed up and having to watch it makes me feel very uncomfortable. My boyfriend has asked me in the past if I would want to go and I told him I will never attend.

I have been vegan for 8 years and work with animals so I am hoping she will understand. If this was your birthday event, would you be upset/offended/pissed off if one of your friends didn’t attend for this reason? I haven’t replied to the WhatsApp yet but will need to soon as she sent it a few days ago.

You should watch Panarama: The Dark Side of Horse Racing. And that’s just a small part of what goes on.

Some people won’t watch / refuse to believe the obvious because they would rather live in ignorance and not ruin their ‘jolly day out,’ Selfish & uncaring.

I’m the same. Absolutely loathe horse racing. I’d tell her why.

As far as I'm aware, the BHA announced the new rules that sign race horses out of the food chain as a result of this documentary. The documentary was in 2021 and the new rules came into effect from Jan 2022.

@FanFckingTastic this just means that horses are "euthanized" at home rather than enduring a hellish journey to be slaughtered. Same amount die. Also the new rule doesn't cover Ireland where 90% of race horses are bred, so not that much has changed. Even so, that's a poor reason to give for it being OK to attend an event which exploits animals "oh well, they don't end up in the food chain" !!

@FanFckingTastic you keep telling yourself that. It's not true but it paints a nice rosey picture and is better for your conscience. I imagine you got your info from the British Horseracing Authority- now they're not going to be biased, are they!!??

Just seen this - you're right, how deluded the public are. Such a high wastage rate with racehorses, including when they are babies before going into training (too young). It would be lovely if all retired racehorses ended up in happy homes, but of course we know that's far from the case.
Then there is are the welfare issues around how they are kept. 'Treated like kings' is often the refrain. Anyone who has owned ex racers will know the truth of that - the 'vices (stereotypical behaviours), the ulcers and the often high stress behaviours.

Keep speaking out.

Actually, horses can be forced to do a lot. I often think that if horses vocalised their distress as, say, dogs and cats do then we'd see some very different 'horsemanship' in action. People just wouldn't be able to get away with what they do to horses now.
Re welfare issues around the racing industry - deaths on the track are a very small part of the problem. How and when they are trained, their lives at the yards, what happens to them if they don't make the grade... it's a big issue for horse lovers.
Edited to add - if anyone thinks horses can't be forced to do something they don't want to do here's a thought. See if you can get to see some members of the community racing trotting horses on roads, sometimes little babies often less than two years old, still with fluffy foal tails, being hammered along in traps. Or whipped to haul carts with a crowd of people in them that are too heavy. The horses are having a hellish time, but they do it. And that's just examples from the UK.

You seem to have made a lot of assumptions from my post including what I feel about racing. I was just correcting the person that suggested that racehorses end up as dog meat.

So what do you feel about horse racing then? I thought it was clear from your previous responses that you are PRO horse racing.

Hello! Thanks for everyone’s comments. My friend did call me to have a chat and she brought up why I couldn’t come. There are so many different opinions on here on whether I should just tell her the real reason or not. On one hand I didn’t want to risk offending her or sounding judgemental or like I was one of those vegans with a “stick up my ass”. But also, pretty much everyone confirmed that they would understand someone not wanting to go to someone’s birthday at the races. My dilemma was if I told her the truth, would she think I was a shit friend for not going for her and putting it aside to celebrate something important to her. Anyway in the end I did just end up telling her that I had something else on. She was huffy with me and asked me why I had booked something when I know that’s her birthday weekend. Maybe I should’ve just told her the real reason, but I can’t envision a conversation where I could say it in a way that wouldn’t make her defensive of her choice or feel like I was attacking it.

A lot of people are very confused when I say I don’t support or like the races. They ask me why and then it gets into a whole convo about morals and cruelty etc (like it has done on this thread). And if I got into that conversation with her then I just don’t see how that could’ve ended well. Last year at work, they were doing collections to bet on the races and people asked me why I wasn’t betting. I told them, and once again, people were a bit confused and just don’t see it as a problem, some people think I’m dramatic etc. everyone at work knows I am vegan (because I can’t eat the office treats people bring in lol) but were still unsure about what horse racing has to do with veganism because I’m not eat the horses.

So some of you may think it’s fine to just tell her the reason but I really didn’t feel like making my friend feel like I was disapproving of her choices or make her feel bad about it. I’d rather brush it off with a quick “sorry I can’t make it, already have plans, but maybe I could take you out for a meal or some drinks when you’re free?”

I understand op, but I am questioning the friendship and the depth, how can she not know that your love for animals and choices to be vegan surely shouldn’t require an explanation. I say that as vegetarian of many decades, that my friends wouldn’t even ask me! Maybe it’s time to introduce these concepts into every day conversation, so it’s obvious what your values are. You are being too nice! You don’t have to agree with everything your friends do. Maybe it would create discussion and different points of view.
She sounds very self absorbed and not especially in tune with her friends characters and values.

I would never go to the races, ever. I would cry witnessing those beautiful horses whipped and screamed at. The jumps make me feel sick. Not a chance could I support it, your friend needs to get over herself!!

Anyway in the end I did just end up telling her that I had something else on. She was huffy with me and asked me why I had booked something when I know that’s her birthday weekend. Maybe I should’ve just told her the real reason, but I can’t envision a conversation where I could say it in a way that wouldn’t make her defensive of her choice or feel like I was attacking it.

Christ, she sounds like a LOT OF EFFORT, and a dim-wit to boot.

But maybe I'm just cranky. 😀

I was invited to go to a greyhound racing night a few years back. Normally I'd have just said I was busy that night, but in fact there'd already been discussion about dates etc and I'd said I was free - but at that point it hadn't been decided it would be greyhound racing. I just said 'Ah, OK - really sorry, but I'll give that a miss as it's not my thing' and when the organiser tried to persuade me I just said 'I'm just really not comfortable with greyhound racing, sorry - I'm not saying there's anything wrong with anyone else going, I know loads of people love it and I'm sure you'll have a great time but it's just not for me' and that was that.

I would bring it up under different circumstances. For example if we were all together or a text was sent just saying something like “what do you all think about going to the races? Would be a fun day out” or something, then I would say no I don’t support it so couldn’t go. However, the fact that she isn’t asking, she is telling us “this is what I am doing for my birthday” I don’t feel like it’s the right time. Maybe if she was different kind of person I’d feel more comfortable (also maybe if I was a different kind of person) it just didn’t feel like the right moment to get into it

As your friend, I would be far more pissed off that you said you were doing something else on my birthday weekend than you admitting you were not comfortable with going to the races

You've probably upset her more by lying. Just tell her the truth!

We rear our own animals for meat and I wouldn't step foot in a racetrack.

When I was vegan exes family tried to arrange a race day out, I just said I hope they have fun but I don't support horse racing so won't go. There were looks of "akward pain in the arse" but no one got their nickers in a twist about it.

Just say "hope you guys have a lovely time! I won't be able to join but I'd love to meet up sometime for a coffee or lunch etc" no big deal, doesn't need a whole conversation, you just can't go.

I'm not even a vegan and I would never ever attend horse racing or greyhound racing for that matters it's disgusting and barbaric.
It's just an excuse for pretend pompous people to dress up.
If you find animal abuse ( because that is what it is) fun then there is something seriously wrong with your brain.
Merry Christmas 🎄

Me neither.

I think you've upset her more with your lie than you would have with the truth: I would love to celebrate with you but I can't support horse racing, even for you.

If she would kick off over that then I'm not sure I would want her as a friend anyway. But I'm much older than you and no longer have time for nonsense from people.

I'd definitely not go and tell her why. But as a friend and if she's a close friend,I'd have thought she would know your morals on this? Btw I totally agree with you too.

Yeah they get put down if they fall then too. Each to their own

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I wouldn't be going at all. It is barbaric

I think you have been a bit silly, you could have totally told her the real reason on the call and she probably could tell you were lying or being vague with your excuse. Just bloody message her and tell her you thought she would think you were being awkward for your reason but you’ve realised you’ve made a mistake in not just being straight with her. And that you would love to celebrate with her in another way! She might have a few people who don’t fancy it either and would rather arrange a different event if her friends would attend.

Just tell her you won't be going. She's unlikely to be offended, especially as she.must know you're vegan and have views about the exploitation of animals.
Give her a card and a small gift to mark her birthday.

I'd politely decline, but arrange something for you guys to do instead for her birthday. Like a spa day, dinner date, cinema cook her tea or whatever is in your budget so you can celebrate her birthday but not have to feel like you are going against what you believe. I think offering an alternative shows you want to be with her for her birthday just not at the races.