To not go to the races for my friends birthday?

[Bumpnwalk]

I was added to a WhatsApp group the other day, created by my friend. She has added about 15 people into it and it’s to discuss the plans for her birthday. She has said that she is organising a day at the races and has told us the cost etc and has asked if we can let her know asap who can make it.

She isn’t my best friend, but is still a friend of mine that I have known for quite a while and I was looking forward to spending her birthday with her. My heart sank because I absolutely do not want to attend the races. Straight away I thought, well I can’t go. But then I thought well maybe I can do it for her, for her birthday, so that I get to celebrate it with her. However, I know for a fact that I will not enjoy the day. I don’t want to put my money into something that I don’t agree with and am morally against. The thought of getting all dressed up and having to watch it makes me feel very uncomfortable. My boyfriend has asked me in the past if I would want to go and I told him I will never attend.

I have been vegan for 8 years and work with animals so I am hoping she will understand. If this was your birthday event, would you be upset/offended/pissed off if one of your friends didn’t attend for this reason? I haven’t replied to the WhatsApp yet but will need to soon as she sent it a few days ago.

To be clear, I mean tell her one-to-one, not on the Whatsapp group.

I won't be able to attend the racing event but hope I can treat you to lunch another time to celebrate your birthday.

If she asks why not you can tell her privately, no need to state it on the group.

YANBU and frankly it baffles me that horse riding/jumping/racing is still considered acceptable. No other animal is forced to have a metal bar in its mouth and a human sat on its back making it run about and jump over stuff purely for their entertainment.

Is it close enough to meet them later?

When I've been the races it's been an afternoon thing and we've then gone for food drinks afterwards.

You could then say that the races really isn't your thing but you'd love to meet them after for drinks.

I'd say, "sorry, the races aren't for me. How about we have dinner the following week to celebrate your birthday?"

Yanbu not to go. I wouldn't give the reason especially on the group chat. "really sorry cant manage, have a lovely time"

Ahe may well guess the reason, if she asks you directly i wouldn't lie but also be careful not to ruin her day so keep it light "not a fan of horse racing, sorry."

If she invited you to watch a bull fight you probably wouldn’t have a problem telling her no, it goes against all your beliefs and promotes animal cruelty, so IMO you should decline and say “no offence, hope you have the best day, but I can’t go to a race day”

she can like it or lump it.

Just book something else to do on the day and tell her it's booked, then you aren't lying.

If you don’t want to then just say can’t attend.

I mean if you have been friends 10 years then I am surprised she would not know that you might be against it morally if you are a vegan and work with animals.

That's what I thought. Does she KNOW you're vegan, OP?

I'm NOT vegan and there's no chuffing way I would go to or bet on a horse race. I would have thought it would be easier for vegans to 'get out' of this sort of event because no-one in their right mind would expect to see an ethical vegan at a horse race.

I would just say - sorry can't attend. Hopefully, catch up with you separately at a later date. If she does ask why - I would post it privately rather than in a big group and say for ethical reasons, you don't wish to attend the races . If she is a good friend she will understand and you can be honest.

Frankly, wild horses couldn’t drag me to a race meeting, but if I was arranging a group trip to one, I wouldn’t expect my friend who is vegetarian (and moving towards veganism) to go. They’d be welcome, of course, but no way would I be offended if they didn’t want to attend.

Use your words, OP, just tell her - in an uncritical way - that it’s not for you.

I used to work
with horses, breaking/training them and teaching riding.

I’m now quite surprisingly against racing and most competition riding. The harsh treatment most of the horses are subjected to and the things they’re expected to do/tolerate. Cooped up in stables bored out of their minds most of the time.

YANBU.

I completely agree with your moral stance. I would say something that makes it clear to her that you value her friendship and would have loved to spend a day with her but just don't want to do this specific thing. Something like "Hey XX, I'm really sorry, I would have loved to celebrate your birthday with you but as a vegan it would be a bit hypocritical of me to spend the day at the horse racing, I. just can't get behind it. I hope you have a fantastic birthday and perhaps we can do something else together?"

You don't have to do anything that is against your principles. I won't.

I would not give the reason on the WhatsApp group - just go with "So sorry I can't make this, I hope you enjoy your birthday". Then if she asks, keep it light "I can't get on board with horse racing, it's really not my thing. Are you free for me to take you for a birthday drink?"

If this was your birthday event, would you be upset/offended/pissed off if one of your friends didn’t attend for this reason?

God no, not at all. I love horse racing through and through, but if a friend didn't want to go because they have a moral stance against it, I absolutely would understand. But I would never suggest it in the first place if I had a friend I knew felt this way about racing, so if she does know that, then I think she is the one being a bit unreasonable.

Keep it simple - Thanks for the invite, I can't make it. Have a lovely day.
I'm not a vegan, but I am a horse lover and owner. I'd have to be dragged kicking and screaming to the races. It's not just about the injuries, the abuse of these horses starts before they are two years old (human equivalent around 12/13 years old) Before their skeleton is fully formed and their growth plates have closed... oh don't get me started. 😓

Just say “Have a very happy birthday, sending you lots of love. Horse racing not my thing but I’ll be raising a glass to you having a great year”

If she asks further just say ‘it’s not a relationship with animals that I enjoy, an extension of being a vegan I suppose , but no judgement on anyone else, have a great day “ (privately, not in the group chat)

Just say the races aren't your thing, what with being vegan etc, but you'll meet them for drinks/dinner afterwards. The races don't last all evening so you should be fine.

You can't possibly go to the races feeling as you do, and need to tell her that. Why should you lie about things that matter to you so much? If she's really a friend she'll respect your choice.

In that case , she knows you're vegan I presume, I'm sure she will understand why you don't want to go , can you call her and explain?

Don't lie! It's fine to say "I'm sorry, I can't abide the horse racing industry. I am sorry to not be celebrating with you but I would be so uncomfortable there!"

It's a common outlook, not something to be ashamed of! And the average reasonable person would accept it. It may feel uncomfortable to say but it does not imply you are judging her - your vegan for years - are you taking her over the coals for every pair of leather shoes and handbags she owns? - no - this is not different, it's OK to decline on animal welfare.

Id maybe say i can't make it, as a pp said - no point in starting a debate or making her feel bad about the choice of venue, especially if she's a friend xx

Edited as just seen your other posts

Maybe say gently how much of a friend she is to you but you just can't stomach it, but you'll absolutely find another way to celebrate and expect to see her to give gifts etc x

The Grand National is a 3 day 'festival' with the main race on the final day. Maybe I should have just said 'on average' because between 2000 and 2024 there were three years with no deaths at all.
However for this period there were 65 deaths in total across all festival races. I don't think this is an acceptable number.