To not go to the races for my friends birthday?

[Bumpnwalk]

I was added to a WhatsApp group the other day, created by my friend. She has added about 15 people into it and it’s to discuss the plans for her birthday. She has said that she is organising a day at the races and has told us the cost etc and has asked if we can let her know asap who can make it.

She isn’t my best friend, but is still a friend of mine that I have known for quite a while and I was looking forward to spending her birthday with her. My heart sank because I absolutely do not want to attend the races. Straight away I thought, well I can’t go. But then I thought well maybe I can do it for her, for her birthday, so that I get to celebrate it with her. However, I know for a fact that I will not enjoy the day. I don’t want to put my money into something that I don’t agree with and am morally against. The thought of getting all dressed up and having to watch it makes me feel very uncomfortable. My boyfriend has asked me in the past if I would want to go and I told him I will never attend.

I have been vegan for 8 years and work with animals so I am hoping she will understand. If this was your birthday event, would you be upset/offended/pissed off if one of your friends didn’t attend for this reason? I haven’t replied to the WhatsApp yet but will need to soon as she sent it a few days ago.

Dear friend, thanks for the invite - I hope you have an amazing day but I won't be able to join you this time. happy birthday, love @Bumpnwalk

I'd just say something like 'I'm aware that horses love to run, but as vegans, we don't agree with trying to make financial gains from animals', possibly avoid words like exploitation so that she doesn't feel you are judging her.

No not at all, I would understand perfectly.

Just say that you can't make it, and if pressed that it isn't an event you want to go to. There's no reason to lie.

You sound like a lovely person. Don't worry about. I'm sure your friend will understand x

I feel like she will take it in a weird way as if I’m judging and I’m not…

Well of course she will feel you are judging her if you tell her the real reason. That's not a weird reaction, I think it is predictable that anyone would feel judged.

Absolutely YANBU to not go and tell her you can't make it. But if you value the friendship don't go in to the reasons why unless really, really pressed.

You're just gonna have to be honest with her.

Two clear options
fake a previous engagement so you don’t go

make a public stand and tell her why your not going

depends on how close you are and how much she respects you , I would respect someone for making a stand but that’s me
good luck 👍

This. No need to make a song and a dance about it just say you can't make it.

It is pretty different, the mortality rate is much higher and the treatment of many ex Racehorses or ones that don'r make the grade can be awful.
OP, I won't go to Horse Racing either, I don't make a big deal of it I just say I can't come.
I did have to explain it at a work even once when I refused to go Greyhound racing and my boss was trying to insist I "rearrange" whatever was stopping me from going.
Once I explained it was on ethical grounds they accepted it (probably slagged me off behind my back but whatever)

You should stand by your principles. You don't need to explain why but if she asks I think it's fine to tell her, after all, she may be interested to learn - and I don't think you should lie about principles; rather defeats the object.

God don't say that, it sounds like you have a stick up your arse

You don't have to reply in the group. That will eventually become a group for those attending to make arrangements, payments, etc.
Just reply privately to your friend saying you're sorry that you're unable to attend and you'd still like to see her and celebrate her birthday with her on another date.
If she asks why, you can tell her you don't attend such events on moral grounds and as a vegan, but you're not judging her for doing so.
If she doesn't ask, it's all good.

It might sound like I have a stick up my arse, but it doesn't change ONE of the reason why I would not attend an horse racing event.

I absolutely love a day at the races but would never judge someone who doesn’t for welfare reasons.

I’d just be honest and tell her the reason. I don’t think there’s any need to lie.

I wouldn’t reply in the group chat as puts a bit of a downer on their day out.

If she’s a decent friend, she’d definitely understand.

If you don't want to lie, I'd make another arrangement quickly. Invite yourself to stay with a relative or friend (who'd love a visit). Then say you can't make it as you're already booked up that day.

Don't give her the real reason. If you do so you're basically criticising her and her other guests for going.

I wouldn't go either but I wouldn't send a patronising message like that unless I wanted people to think all Vegans were annoying (which they aren't)

All you need to say is that you can't go. You don't need to explain yourself.

Ok. Sorry you are so sensitive. It's not particularly a vegan issue anyway. Many people who aren't vegan don't like horse racing either.

I am aware, given that I am neither vegan nor someone who would go to Horse racing

Absolutely fine to say no because you don't agree with horse racing, just don't expect others to share your opinions.

Just don't go. It's really no problem. She'll still have a nice birthday I'm sure.

Surely she must know your views on such things?

Could you just say that you're so sorry you won't be able to join for racing as its an activity you have always struggled to get behind. You thought you would come for her, because she's important to you, but actually wouldn't want to risk struggling and bringing the mood down. You hope she has a wonderful time, you can't wait to hear all about it, and you'd like to take her out for a birthday drink/coffee to celebrate separately if she'd be up for that.

OP, go with the , "I am not free, but are you free on ... I'd love to take you for a drink/brunch". Focus on what you can do. I wouldn't go either but wouldn't want to make her feel awkward about her plans.