To not go to the races for my friends birthday?

[Bumpnwalk]

I was added to a WhatsApp group the other day, created by my friend. She has added about 15 people into it and it’s to discuss the plans for her birthday. She has said that she is organising a day at the races and has told us the cost etc and has asked if we can let her know asap who can make it.

She isn’t my best friend, but is still a friend of mine that I have known for quite a while and I was looking forward to spending her birthday with her. My heart sank because I absolutely do not want to attend the races. Straight away I thought, well I can’t go. But then I thought well maybe I can do it for her, for her birthday, so that I get to celebrate it with her. However, I know for a fact that I will not enjoy the day. I don’t want to put my money into something that I don’t agree with and am morally against. The thought of getting all dressed up and having to watch it makes me feel very uncomfortable. My boyfriend has asked me in the past if I would want to go and I told him I will never attend.

I have been vegan for 8 years and work with animals so I am hoping she will understand. If this was your birthday event, would you be upset/offended/pissed off if one of your friends didn’t attend for this reason? I haven’t replied to the WhatsApp yet but will need to soon as she sent it a few days ago.

I'd just say you already have plans that day.

I don't think a white lie in this case harms anyone.

I wouldn't be going racing either, but I'd keep it fairly lighthearted and say (to her directly, not on the group) 'sorry, racing not for me, would love to meet up for something else when you're free'.

If she doesn't accept that, it's her that's the problem, not you.

I have no opinion on horse racing.

I just wouldn’t enjoy it. Or “the dogs”.

I would private message her and explain briefly why you won't be going, also saying what you have said here that it's a personal thing and you don't judge other people for going and hope she has a great time. You could ask if they are going for drinks after to let you know and you will come along to that.

Don't lie! You'll get caught out

Fine to just say you can't make it

If she asks, just say - sorry, it's not a vegan friendly activity - but would love to do something else

She wouldn't expect you to go to an all you can eat meat bbq - and for you, it feels the same. Use that analogy if you need to

You don't owe your friend any more information than you are willing to give. If she interrogates you, tell her to back off.

Tell that to the horses who die at the Grand National every year.

No, they don’t die every year at all.

I would never dream of asking someone to rearrange plans to attend my birthday party, that's really pushy. Are you worried that she might try and persuade you to go and you won't feel you can say no?

Sorry, but this occurred to me as I’d seen it once on MN and it made me chuckle:

Q: how do you know if someone’s vegan?

A: oh don’t worry, they’ll tell you.

Seriously tho, I’m not a vegan, but I really don’t like race days. we were taken to one for work (5 days before pay day I might add, I was skint!) I really hated it, literally the purpose of every single member of staff was to take as much of our money as possible and I found it really crap.

@Bumpnwalk Vegan or no, you absolutely don’t need to feel pressured to attend, if you don’t want to explain tho, just say that it’s not your kind of thing so you’ll pass and hope she has a wonderful time

That's not true, though. I'm vegan and wouldn't decline a day at the races due to veganism unless I was expected to eat a horse at the end.

BBQs are fine as well.

Why can't the OP just be truthful or vague about not wanting to go to an event that isn't her cup of tea? Am I missing something? So many suggestions that she should lie :/

So explain to me why what I suggested to the OP to say was patronising, and tell me how you would deal with it. This will help me in the future to avoid sounding like I have a stick up my arse, and be that annoying vegan.

I have had to work on a race course many times over the years and to be honest, I would sooner stick pins in my eyes than go there for a day out!

Tell her that you are morally against horse racing and do not want to go. Simple

I've been to the races twice, with work so I couldn't get out of it.. I wouldn't go by choice.

If she is your friend, why can't you just be honest with her that horse-racing isn't your thing? Presumably she knows you're vegan and into animal rights, so it wont be a huge shock to her that you don't enjoy horse racing.

Exactly this ^^

I think you've making a big fuss over nothing OP.

You think horse racing is barbaric, so there's nothing more to be said other than you don't want to go.

If she pushes you for a reason, just say you don't agree with it and leave it at that 🤷‍♂️

At the end of the day, she's asked 15 people so it's not like she's going to be lonely if you don't go along.

It's very different, racehorses are often started very young and damaged for life, which tends to mean they are put down. Any who aren't successfully retrained (the majority) are put down once they're no longer wanted to race. It's a hideous 'sport'.

Showjumpers are bred specifically for that purpose and absolutely love to jump - they will happily jump whether or not they're being ridden, and get very unhappy when they're not 'in work'. One can argue about the ethics of breeding an animal for human enjoyment, but now we have it's better to keep riding them - in the same way one can argue the ethics of breeding wolves to want cuddles, but now we have golden retrievers it would be extremely cruel to chuck them back into the wild and expect them to act like their wolfy ancestors.

Showjumpers these days are going to be super well looked after as modern training methods have discovered that building a happy relationship with a happy horse yields better results than beating them (shock horror). Eventers too you'd expect to be well cared for as only a complete imbecile would want to ride a cross country course on a horse who didn't like them! There needs to be an extreme level of trust. But I think the eventing mortality rate is still too high, so personally avoid. Dressage, polo, barrel racing and 'normal' racing are not at all known for their animal welfare and (in my opinion) should not be supported.

This.

If she is a close friend of 10 years or so, wouldn't she know this about you already ?

Either way, you said I was added to a WhatsApp group the other day, created by my friend. She has added about 15 people into it and it’s to discuss the plans for her birthday. She has said that she is organising a day at the races and has told us the cost etc and has asked if we can let her know asap who can make it.

So, she is just asking who is going. Not sure why you've left it for a few days. Just reply 'Thanks for the invitation but I can't make it'.

I think you're overthinking.
Can't you just say "Thanks for inviting me. I don't really enjoy the races, so I'll give it a miss but I'd love to meet up for coffee/lunch/walk/whatever afterwards to hear all about it."

No lying, valid reason provided, no offense caused, friendship still intact.

I would also never go to the races - absolutely morally disagree with Horse racing as an industry.

I would however politely bow out without giving a full reason, just vaguely be unavailable. I personally wouldn’t want to be “that person” and it is up to them if they want to go

Perhaps, as you are not best friends, it isn't as big a deal if you don't attend as you may think - otherwise she would have broached the subject with you beforehand. I think you should tell her the truth. Just try to keep the language as neutral as possible - terms like 'barbaric' or similar might put her back up, when she may simply not have thought about it. Wish her a happy birthday and maybe suggest going for a nice lunch on another day.

I'm quite surprised that so many are saying to make up an excuse. I feel it would be better to be honest, but of course in friendly and non-preachy way. (For what it's worth, I feel the same as you OP about the races!) It's best to be clear and firm though, so maybe something like "I'm really sorry I can't do this one with you as the races is something I can't support, but I hope you have a great day and I'm up for taking you out for a birthday lunch/drink another day".

I’d rather go to a bullfight than a race meeting. Racing is vile.

”Sorry, I won’t be able to come. Have a lovely time and I’ll catch up with you soon.”

If she pushes “I’m not coming because I really don’t like / agree with horse racing”

Done. You’re making too big a deal of it.

Just say ‘sorry I can’t make it’ on the group and if/when she asks say something like ‘I don’t want to come across as awkward but I don’t like watching horse racing because of the way some are treated’
I’m sure she’ll understand and not feel judged especially if you haven’t made a thing of it on the group