To not go to the races for my friends birthday?

[Bumpnwalk]

I was added to a WhatsApp group the other day, created by my friend. She has added about 15 people into it and it’s to discuss the plans for her birthday. She has said that she is organising a day at the races and has told us the cost etc and has asked if we can let her know asap who can make it.

She isn’t my best friend, but is still a friend of mine that I have known for quite a while and I was looking forward to spending her birthday with her. My heart sank because I absolutely do not want to attend the races. Straight away I thought, well I can’t go. But then I thought well maybe I can do it for her, for her birthday, so that I get to celebrate it with her. However, I know for a fact that I will not enjoy the day. I don’t want to put my money into something that I don’t agree with and am morally against. The thought of getting all dressed up and having to watch it makes me feel very uncomfortable. My boyfriend has asked me in the past if I would want to go and I told him I will never attend.

I have been vegan for 8 years and work with animals so I am hoping she will understand. If this was your birthday event, would you be upset/offended/pissed off if one of your friends didn’t attend for this reason? I haven’t replied to the WhatsApp yet but will need to soon as she sent it a few days ago.

Totally agree, I would never go to the races on cruelty grounds

I'm also vegan and have turned down going to horse racing or dog racing on many occasions. I have had to explain to friends why in the past. I just tell them I don't agree with it and if they press I tell them the truth: it's cruel.

I'm really close with my friends and it would seem really weird if I just said I couldn't make a birthday outing without giving a reason. Yes it's an invitation and you don't have to go but this is a friend so it makes sense to give them a reason.

http://www.horsedeathwatch.com

I was just pointing out what they said was incorrect.

’Brutally beaten for the length of the course’
Uhm, no they’re not?!

I would definitely be honest. It is absolutely fine for you to tell her the reason why. I am also vegan and would not attend racing. If asked I’d probably say ‘sorry but I am against horse racing so I won’t be able to attend’ if your friend is annoyed by your truth she can be. You are not here to make everything comfortable for everyone but yourself.

@Bumpnwalk this is similar to what I was going to suggest? As in “I absolutely don’t want you to change the activity but I couldn’t enjoy myself for worrying about the horses, so please go ahead without me but I’d love to celebrate with you at another activity/go for a meal etc”

This is a perfect response 👌

Totally agree with this and I'm not vegan.

It's fine to say you don't get involved in events involving animals but you'll send a gift/hope to catch up soon.

It’s a bit confusing how she is such a good friend that she would call or text to find out why you can’t make it and ask you to rearrange your plans etc but doesn’t know that you’d hate the races?

also if you’re so close why wouldn’t you just be able to say to her that you don’t like horse racing but you really hope she enjoys it!

if she has an issue with that surely she’s not that close a friend?

Ah, such a shame you're busy that day with another impossible to rearrange event. But you hope they all have a marvellous time.

Seriously, just decline graciously. They don't need the whys and reasons, and won't be interested in your objections.

Hypothetical, but If I asked a vegan friend to come to the horse racing with me I would totally expect her to decline .

I’ve rescued a former racehorse. The things the racing industry did to him were heartbreaking. I’d never support horse racing. I don’t think you have to make a big deal of it. Just say you can’t make it and wish her a lovely birthday and bow out of the group.

Would you have gone to a shooting week-end? See, absolutely not. So the question here is 'do I really think racing is cruel?'

I'd tell her the truth, in gentle terms of course but surely she'll know you are vegan and that exploiting animals for fun isn't something you could live with as much as you'd like to be part of her day.

No need to announce it to the group, just a private message with an offer of a seperate night out prior to her Birthday where you two can eat, drink and have a laugh. She may not even be aware that people have ethical reasons for not attending horse or dog racing.

I've actually been there last year when a day out was organised for the Ladies Day at the local racecourse. I went the group chat route, no one responded of course but no one has ever challenged my POV or belittled my beliefs and as far as I can tell blanked me for it.

Same - it’s no different than asking them to come out to an Argentinian Steak House for a meal. I’m not a vegan, but if I have a BFF who was I’d no more invite (or, frankly plan) a trip to the races than I would book a place on a fox hunt. I suspect that she may not actually expect you to attend (and if she does, she is a bit clueless) so just decline and suggest meeting on another day for. If she doesn’t get it, it’s really on her, not you OP.

I think that if she is a true friend to you she would respect your opinion and just offer to do something else with her - better than lying to her and saying you are not free

Used to work in a city that loved the races - and what a dreadful crowd of people they attracted. I think the problem is people think it's going to be lovely and glam, and in reality unless you're paying really high prices it's nothing of the sort. Then at the end eveyone would come out, fill the pubs, drink themselves into stupidty, piss and vomit in the streets - classy stuff. You'll not get a taxi anywhere, as most refuse to work races weeks. And for those who think it's OK to race - in December last year, at various British racecourses, 8 horses died

Surely you just say that you are vegan, and racing doesn't align with your principles. Your friend must know you are, so it won't come as a huge surprise.

she sounds very intense (and quite rude!)
I can't imagine interrogating my friends if they told me 'sorry I can't make it.'
similarly I can't imagine being offended if someone invited me to something and I said 'Sorry that's not my sort of thing.'

I’ve been vegetarian for thirty years and I’ve always just said ‘oh you know being vego I don’t do racing/circuses/rodeos/fishing, I’ll miss this one but can’t wait to catch up’. people really are ok about it - they may well think I’m odd but they’re not rude or difficult or hurt by it.

Then you have to tell her the truth. I'm guessing she knows you're vegan and work with animals if you're that close so it probably won't be a surprise.

Just say you would love to celebrate her birthday but you would be uncomfortable attending the races due to vegan principles, are they going for food or drinks after that you could meet them or let you know if the plans change as you would be up for doing something else.

"Hi Friend! Not for me but have a great time! Maybe we can celebrate another day?"

I’d say just tell her, I’m a big racing fan and I used to have membership and organise days out for groups of friends. One told me she wasn’t comfortable with it for simmiksr reasons i didn’t take offence, but she also didn’t lecture me. Given you’re a vegan I shouldn’t think it would be a surprise, the friendship works both ways, she should respect your values. Just don’t be pious about it.

If you're so sure she will need chapter and verse then get on the front foot and PHONE rather than text.

Be honest, just say you're very sorry but it's not something you can do. If she really is a friend she'll respect that.