To not go to the races for my friends birthday?

[Bumpnwalk]

I was added to a WhatsApp group the other day, created by my friend. She has added about 15 people into it and it’s to discuss the plans for her birthday. She has said that she is organising a day at the races and has told us the cost etc and has asked if we can let her know asap who can make it.

She isn’t my best friend, but is still a friend of mine that I have known for quite a while and I was looking forward to spending her birthday with her. My heart sank because I absolutely do not want to attend the races. Straight away I thought, well I can’t go. But then I thought well maybe I can do it for her, for her birthday, so that I get to celebrate it with her. However, I know for a fact that I will not enjoy the day. I don’t want to put my money into something that I don’t agree with and am morally against. The thought of getting all dressed up and having to watch it makes me feel very uncomfortable. My boyfriend has asked me in the past if I would want to go and I told him I will never attend.

I have been vegan for 8 years and work with animals so I am hoping she will understand. If this was your birthday event, would you be upset/offended/pissed off if one of your friends didn’t attend for this reason? I haven’t replied to the WhatsApp yet but will need to soon as she sent it a few days ago.

"not my thing, sorry"
happy to help

Oh this is difficult. You're stuffed whichever way you look at it.

1. Go to the races.
2. Lie about having plans/can't make it. Continue to lie when asked about it.
3. Tell the truth and risk offending friend.

I'm honest so I'd go for 3. I'd be as diplomatic as possible though. It's difficult to tell someone that their chosen day out compromises your values without sounding judgemental.
It IS risky but better than outright lying and taking your friend for a fool or spending an entire day betraying yourself just to please someone else.

Fwiw, I wouldn't want to go to the races either. It's not just the animal welfare angle, I'm not interested in betting, prosecco or posing in fancy hats either.

I would definitely not go.

I wouldn’t do anything that goes against my morals.

I don’t watch horse racing either and many of my friends do and they are very respectful of it and gives me a heads up that it will be on Tv etc if I’m planning to go around.

Any friend would absolutely not have an issue with you and your morals.

I would politely decline and say why.

If she asks, just say "It's a vegan thing". This is what my SIL does. People get what she means but it lacks the judgement of "I don't approve of..." or "I don't support ..."

This is a great response. If it upsets her, she isn't a great friend.

Say 'I'm sorry I can't make it' in the group chat and when she asks say what Vimesandhiscardboardboots posted 'it's a vegan thing'.

It's true without being judgmental.

Just tell her OP
I wouldn’t go to the races for anyone.
You have a perfectly valid reason

The issue with this, having had to decline invitations to the races on many occasions, is people wanting to know why it isn't your thing - for some reason, people can't see the conflict there. Telling people the reason why is not patronising. I don't feel superior to my friends, and to be honest, none of my friends would be offended by my ethical beliefs either.

I’m surprised this is seemingly so hard for some people to just tell the truth to an old friend.

I’d definitely just say briefly - “I can’t make it, as you know I’m both a vegan and animal lover, and it would be massively hypocritical of me to attend as I don’t agree with the it. However, if you’re doing anything else for your birthday let me know. If not we can meet up for coffee and cake at another time”

If she gets offended that’s a reflection on her.

Just say you don’t enjoy racing and will be declining the offer. I find it’s either freezing or sunburns weather and not much in between. Bad back from wearing heels also day unless you have a guaranteed seat too

I am also vegan, and wouldn't go - I have been vegan so long, people know not to even bother inviting me to such things - actually, I don't even think I have any friends left who would want to go either.

Another vegan who’s worked with animals for a long time here. I’ve turned down a few invites to horse (& dog) racing in the past. I feel it’s fair to let your friend know why you’re not attending. Just something along the lines of ‘I’m not a fan of horse racing’ & say you’d love to celebrate with her another time/way. Have a read up on some of the research by Animal Aid & League Against Cruel Sports in case your friend asks you why. She might not know about ethical implications of horse racing.

This 💯
Remember it's an invitation not a summons 😀
You don't need to give a reason.
She might feel you are being judgmental.

My SIL arranged greyhound racing for her hen do
think she knew I wouldn’t go ( we don’t get on, she’s not a nice person )
I met up with them after
Maybe suggest this OP, if it’s possible

The amount agonising and fretting in your opening thread alone made it clear why you are the subject to such manipulation.

Just put on you big girl pants and text the following:

Tubetrain · Today 16:26
Dear friend, thanks for the invite - I hope you have an amazing day but I won't be able to join you this time. happy birthday, love

No need for further discussion.

Yea, it is surprising. I wonder if it’s just an oversight on her part? Like once my friend cooked chicken fajitas for me and another friend of ours who is vegetarian. It’s like she knew she was veggie, but it hadn’t clicked. It was a bit of a face palm moment for her.

I think OPs friend will probably apologise and say she feels a bit silly for not thinking it through!

I think in these situations it is best to be honest as to why you can't attend. Imagine if she makes it an annual event to which you are invited and you are having to come up with excuses for the next 50 years!

I struggle to believe many people couldn’t understand why you’d not want to go, maybe the odd thicko, but I’d assume for the vast majority it’s fairly obvious.

I wouldn’t use the word patronising but understand the ‘stick up your arse’ comment, your wording made you sound like you do consider yourself morally superior to others who don’t have the same opinion, I think a simple, ‘I don’t agree with horse racing’ would suffice.

That won’t work though. OP has already said her friend will want to know why. I’d be offended or at least very confused if a close friend of mine just declined a birthday celebration without explaining why considering I make an effort for their birthdays.

That’s just not the way me and any of my friends communicate and I’m sure it’s the same for Op and her friends. If we can’t make something we’ll explain why.

So I don’t get why so many are just saying to give a blunt no. I sometimes wonder if some people on MN actually have any good friends? 😂

Putting on her big girl pants would be explaining why she can’t make it.

My family go to the races annually and I don't go, like you, I'm against it and I'm openly vegan and against animal cruelty so people expect and accept that. It wouldn't have been very kind of them not to include you, I'm sure they won't be shocked at your response to say you'll catch up with them another time.

I wouldn't go to the races for anyone and I have no problem saying that I wouldn't enjoy it because I think it's cruel to horses. I don't lie about it and if the people who invite me don't like my reasons, it doesn't bother me in the slightest. My closest friends wouldn't invite me anyway.

You're right, it's only every few times. Phew eh?

In every single race they are tortured, though - brutally beaten for the length of the course. It's the nature of the sport.

Utterly barbaric.

That would be my approach. If pressed I'd just say that it's not something I'm comfortable with attending but happy to do something else at another time.

Well I can guarantee you that I don't feel morally superior. If someone asks me if I want a bacon butty and I say no, they ask why and I say I don't eat meat, does that make me sound like I have a stick up my arse? Or should I just pretend I'm not hungry?

Nope, I don’t eat meat is fine 😊
HTH