To agree with this article on flaking

[ByGreenBiscuit]

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/jan/07/flaking-out-of-social-plans

specifically, agreeing with the bit that says flaking is so much more common now, and with the people that say flaking is something we should take more seriously and do less of, that we have all started fetishising introversion a bit too much (I say this as someone who does this a lot themselves) and also that it is self-destructive and erodes our friendships.

I bin any persistently flaky friends. Once or twice is ok if a good reason. More than that and I distance myself.

As a serial flake, I probably wouldn’t last long with you @Lentilweaver . I have gotten a lot better tho. For me the main issues are health and energy, it’s never that I just can’t be bothered, but I still get it’s annoying so I’ve become a lot better at managing expectations now.

I am afraid you wouldn't, sorry 🙂. I have had my own health and energy issues. As indeed, do most people in their 50s. But I don't flake.

I have given up hosting because if I call six people over, half will cancel on the day, leaving me having slaved over dinner and feeling completely hurt. I have also given up going to the theatre with serial flakers; not paying for tickets again or trying to be repaid. I go alone these days or with DH.

Flakers can hang out with people who dont mind all that. I do though.

This is the reason I'll never organise another party, something I used to love doing. On the day of the last party I arranged (my own birthday, a few years ago) well over half of the invitees cried off at the last minute, all of them apologetic but wishing me a lovely time (which began to feel rather hollow as the day went on).
Admittedly it was the middle of winter and the weather was rubbish, but by that time it was too late to cancel. I was left with a small, slightly random mix of people, and found the whole thing so stressful I'll never bother again.

Oh yes, I agree with that bit in the article where it says flakers don't think about the impact on others.
i do have one friend who is going through a severe health crisis. She is still my dear friend because she doesnt commit and then flake. She just says " Lentil, I am not in a position to go out to lunch right now. But please drop in if you are passing". So I do that.

Am the same - esp re theatre tickets. This year I’ve just bought tickets and will go alone as I was seriously out of pocket last year. Esp galling as my own personal ticket is discounted (I’m a mature student) and the second tickets were full price and I’ve always offered to share my student discount so that they get a bit of a cheaper deal. Pisses me off that I then end up paying full price for a ticket that doesn’t get used. It’s the fact that they drop out on the day, too, so there’s rarely anyone free at a few hours’ notice to take the spot, whereas if I’d had a week’s notice I might have found someone or been able to take DH.

Not doing it anymore. I’d rather have fewer friends than ones who don’t value my time and money enough to show me respect.

Flaking is a dick move.

If you’re prone to doing so, accept this about yourself and don’t make plans with other people unless you’re 100% going to go.

”It sounds nice but I am sorry I can’t commit to come. If it is ok to tell you on the day I will text you if I can come, but I understand that might not work for you.”

Saying yes and bailing makes you an asshole (barring emergencies).

I think it's one of the worst changes in the post-Covid world. People just don't want to do anything now, and it's all dressed up as self-care and how saying no is this sainted peak which we should all aspire to.

Then you get tons of women on here (like me!) saying they've no friends and are bored and lonely. That's the impact over time of never being arsed with people you apparently like and care about.

It makes others feel worthless.

Why can't all the flaky people befriend each other and then no-one will ever do anything as they all flake on each other.

That will leave others who believe that if you commit to something, you turn up and pay up to enjoy each other's company.

Being flaky is mostly being selfish.

The word self-care is very overused these days.

I used to organise parties/bbqs all the time. Can't face it now as people are so flakey.

It's cause it's so easy to just text!

No I agree. I feel I’ve gotten a lot better and now basically don’t flake, and will turn up even if feeling rotten as long as it’s not contagious, but I notice society going the other way. Some of my friends, ones that were very sociable before, have become close to hermits since the pandemic. It is hurtful not even from the perspective of them being flaky wirh events, but also just around less. It’s like people value friendship less in general.

A lot of it seems to be social anxiety - I notice I feel physically sick often before events, and am generally a lot more reluctant to go on buses and trains etc. I have started to realise this is just a hangover from the pandemic tho and ignore it and it’s usually fine. My friend on the other hand can’t get on public transport anymore due to anxiety apparently, she has panic attacks. I had patience for it but now I wish she’d just find a way to deal with it as her life has gotten horribly small.

I really value the people who are consistently around, so I try to be that now. And I’m noticing we’re gravitating together. I still miss my old friends tho, who admit what they are doing is probably unhealthy.

Sorry about your bday, that’s horrible. And so common nowadays! I had a big bday last year and I was so stressed about this in the lead up it wasn’t worth it. One friend tried to flake but I basically made it quite clear it would upset me and she turned up (the anxious one above). I also chatted with her afterwards and said I was worried at how anxious she was at things like getting on the train, and she admitted there was an issue and that going to my party had actually felt liberating as she realised nothing awful had happened. So kind of glad I applied a bit of pressure but still unpleasant to do so.

Most my friends are pretty good in the Flake Stakes, but I no longer offer to buy tickets for other people because it is so annoying if they don't turn up. A good friend of mine who is normally reliable cancelled at the last minute saying 'Just get the money back on my ticket at the box office,' and I said 'I'm pretty sure they are non-refundable' and she said 'Oh I don't think so.' The tickets were non-refundable of course. She had a headache so I understood her not coming, but I wish she had offered to pay me back instead of dumping the loss on me.

That is really disrespectful, and that they’d let you be out of pocket! They should definitely pay you and tell you to find someone else if you can and give them the ticket for free.

It doesn't really bother me when people flake out. I tend to assume they have a good reason. But I am someone who is comfortable doing stuff alone (something I learnt post-widowhood!) so if I had tickets to something and a friend couldn't make it, I'd still go and enjoy it.

Agreed. Also - is self-care really the right word when it means not investing in friendships which are crucial to your wellbeing?

Aargh, that's awful.
I truly truly hate it when people cancel saying 'hope you have a brilliant time'. As if their presence has nothing to do with how brilliant it will be.

Self care is very important, but not the same thing as selfishness or self-centredness.

Well I am in London, so all my friends have no option but to go on the Tube or bus. Needs must.

I am afraid in my 50s I have no time to handhold or coax people into meeting me, or talk them through anxiety.The oestrogen has left the building and I only hang out with radiators, not drains.

Am I alone in thinking that this is (yet) another example of the new generation thinking they have discovered sex (so to speak) ?

"Flakers can hang out with people who dont mind all that. I do though."

And interestingly, as I found out, many flakers tolerate other people's last min changes even less. I can't see them hanging with others like them.

Hahaha. We also live in London! So you can imagine how small her life is right now. I think she even struggles to get out to walk the dog.

tbh I have massively distanced myself and prioritised other friends. It’s a shame as we were so close for years but I just can’t invest a lot anymore in people who are that much hard work. My bday was an exception as it felt important to have her there for various reasons, but in general have left the bell in her court for the past five years (and seen her a handful of times)

What irritates me is I think a result of ‘flake culture’ is people ringing to constantly check that I am still going to be where I said I was going to be!

It drives me fucking nuts and I blew up at the mother of my son’s friend for which I have apologised and regret. If I make a plan it’s in the diary. I don’t need reminding.

“Are we still meeting later?”
“Of course we are or I would have told you!”

It drives me insane!!!!

BFF is a major flake, always has been and won’t ever change! I plan accordingly, and now expect constant last minute changes or cancellations… MH is an issue. BFF has been fired from or left endless jobs, never their fault.
Flakes really don’t se wit care about the impact on others…