To agree with this article on flaking

[ByGreenBiscuit]

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/jan/07/flaking-out-of-social-plans

specifically, agreeing with the bit that says flaking is so much more common now, and with the people that say flaking is something we should take more seriously and do less of, that we have all started fetishising introversion a bit too much (I say this as someone who does this a lot themselves) and also that it is self-destructive and erodes our friendships.

I wonder if some of the flakiness is linked the fact that people feel obliged to say "yes" to things even when they don't want to do them.

It somehow seems to be more acceptable to say "yes" to going to an event and plan to bail out on the day because "mental health" than simply say upfront "I value you a friend, but I don't want to come to this particular event that you've planned; perhaps we can do something else just the two of us?".

'I am afraid in my 50s I have no time to handhold or coax people into meeting me, or talk them through anxiety.The oestrogen has left the building and I only hang out with radiators, not drains.'

Haha, can relate so much to this! I was never a fountain of patience but I really do need some effort from people nowadays and I don't have any time for flakes

In general I'm a big fan of self care and boundaries and getting better at saying no, and I'm more on the introverted side myself, but I agree with comments about how selfishness and introversion have become fetishized. Some people just seem to want everything on their own terms all the time, so maybe they want friends but want to pick them up and put them down and their own convenience

People who constantly flake usually become peripheral friends, never the first one you think of to invite to anything important. Seat fillers if there is enough room.

Awww poor you. And that’s lovely you’re so understanding.

I’m an introvert with anxiety issues (abusive childhood) and until last year I think I was a low level flaker. I probably flaked on about 20% of commitments. I always paid up but accept I was wrong.

Last year I decided I needed to change, and I started being much straighter with people and started saying no when invited to events I know I won’t enjoy. My abusive childhood had left me afraid to say no. I thought my friends would abandon me. Bloody unlikely after forty years but…

Anyway, I was more selective, and the sky didn’t fall in. I now have better self esteem and am not flaking on my lovely friends.

I agree. I went to a New Year’s Day event the other day where the hosts had put on a gorgeous homemade spread for everyone, they mentioned that there were a couple that they weren’t sure were coming - they basically were going to turn up or not. Felt very rude to not commit and for them to be left hanging all day!

Quite. An extension of “self-care” is “family time” as in “I won’t accept any invitations at weekends because it’s family time”.

Good luck still having some friends when your kids are old enough to want their own lives and/or you find yourself single again.

I’m quite shocked at all the stories of people who organised parties and half or more of the people flaked on the actual day..! What kind of friends are these! I mean.. most groups or people have “the” flaky friend but that many. I’m shocked. Get better friends

I do agree with this. I find I get sick if I am too sociable and I used to feel very pressured to go anyway as I wondering about offending them. Now I’m better at just saying no to invites and mostly feeling not guilty. I do have adhd and suspected autism and reading about this has helped me understand myself better and not just think I’m a terrible human. Covid helped as I realised I felt super happy in isolation! But I do realise I also need to make an effort with the most important people to have more balance. I have let go of most of a much larger circle of acquaintances I had from 10 years ago as I just couldn’t keep up and felt constantly anxious and guilty for not going to everything.

Yes. The flakes are the same people who never reply to messages either, but if it’s brought up on here all you get is extremes like ‘people shouldn’t be glued to their phones!’ And ’No one owes you their time’. Ok then, enjoy yourself.

Did you really say to your friends that you wanted to see them less to focus on 'things you actually wanted to do' ??

I'm chronically ill so I don't commit to plans much incase things change. Usually I get invited to things that others are going to anyway so I can just tag along if I feel OK and I prefer that.

Agree that we should normalise saying no upfront. Nothing wrong with not enjoying parties or noisy pubs. I don't myself.

A really good friend has confessed that she is broke. Can't afford Tube fare or a meal. I so appreciate her honesty and not cancelling on the day. Now I meet for long walks, or on days when she is in Central London anyway.

This is me down to a T, and abuse as a childhood - I wasn’t allowed to have any of my own needs or thoughts. It was pathological people pleasing, even to the point of staying in multi year relationships I didn’t want to be in because I put their needs before mine (and didn’t even really know what mine were). I went to therapy and it really helped. And yes realising that saying no is not actually such a big deal was so liberating!

Agree with this! It’s not a great model for kids either and makes you into an isolated family unit.

Oh yes if only flakers would do this. I don't mind going to the cinema on my own, or for a walk, and wouldn't mind my friend deciding at the last minute whether she wanted to join me. But I have no desire to go out for a meal on my own or even coffee; the point is the conversation.
I suspect that flakers like to know that an opportunity to socialise is there before they decide whether they want to take it up. Everyone deciding last minute might feel a bit scary.

I agree. If I'm going to something with someone who isn't my husband then they buy their own ticket, get themselves there and we'll meet in the foyer. If they are cutting it fine I go in and find my seat . I have found that 2 things have happened. 1. I need to be in control of me and things that affect me. Removing their opportunity to bugger things up for me makes me a much calmer person. I can look forward to things because , whether they turn up, turn up late or don't make it at all hasn't cost me any money or disappointment.

1. If the flakey person knows that you will just get on with it without them they tend to get their arse in gear and turn up on time.

I no longer host at home. If I'm meeting someone in town and they are a flaker/ serially late I'll ask them to text when they're parking. I'll either be at the agreed place or , if they've said they're running late already, then I'll be in a cafe having a pot of tea. If they flake I'll get on with the day by myself. Im 59 abd well eying caring or needing someone to do things with.

I agree on this, but I've found it really hard with some friends not accepting a more limited and relaxed plan in the first place.

For example, one friend loves get togethers with big itineraries - book a gym class, go to brunch, then a museum, then we must visit two specific bars she's seen on insta. Oh, and she wants to do this in Prague next time.

I admit that I flaked once because I had a lot of work to do and I just couldn't face a weekend of bouncing from thing to thing before getting home and cramming everything in.

But when I asked if we could have a more relaxed plan - whining. When I offered to bow out - whining. When we agreed something more relaxed - she binned the weekend off!

Did you really say to your friends that you wanted to see them less to focus on 'things you actually wanted to do' ??

I suppose I did, in a way

I explicitly told them I was a much much happier person in Covid with a smaller life and I was going to strive to keep things simpler.

Also, that I wanted to focus on things I wanted to do - in particular, doing courses to switch careers etc. and that I could not sustain the social commitments, the courses AND feel happy all at the same time.

Prior to Covid, I would have tried to do it all because I would have felt expected to do it. And I would either be miserable, or the coursework would suffer. Because I can suck up that sacrifice.

I wouldn't have refused all the social events because the expectation to be there - and the judgement if you're not - is powerful.

I haven't lost any real friends doing this and I still get invites, but I will only commit to a a fraction of what I did before. I don't think I've ever had anyone flake on an event at my house. And I know a few friends who've said and done the same.

I think that for those who were extroverts, or love socialising, or who rely on their friendships hugely, this change must be a bit of a shock. But if you step back and consider that the pre-covid way of being was likely heavily sustained by people doing things they didn't really want to do, then surely it refocuses things?

Like others I ditch flaky friends - I don't cut them out of my life but tend to switch from trying to make plans together and instead only invite them to stuff I'll do anyway.

Some of this is just understanding and having different types of friends though?

If you can't agree on something you both want to do with a friend, then possibly you can't have them as a "doing things together" friend and they need to be moved to "social media only" friend.

I have groups of friends I meet up with casually and it's no big deal if someone doesn't turn up at the last minute.

I have other groups where we take the time to arrange a meetup that's convenient and amenable to all of us and accordingly everyone turns up every time. If they didn't, they would soon be an "unmember" of the group as it just doesn't work with the dynamic.

My mantra is unless you are covered in blood, unconscious, projectile vomiting or dead, you show up.

Yes, of all the people quoted in the article, Kevin stuck out for me too. If you've arranged to go out for a walk with someone and on the day it's absolutely heaving it down, just meet for a coffee instead. It's not rocket science!

I got commended by a close friend recently for always honouring commitments. It is important to me to keep my word as integrity takes a long time to build, but can be demolished quickly. However, no one has ever commented on it in the past, I think it is becoming a rarer quality!

Regarding getting a better offer: I have a rule to stick to the event first agreed to. There has been the odd time where I have had to renege on an arrangement, but we're talking about being offered a free holiday versus a weekend away with friends. Plenty of notice time to rearrange the latter, and abject apologies. Being good friends, they understood.

To the poster who said none of her friends are flaky, you are very fortunate.

Remember that 1980's parenting platitude - "you'll enjoy it when you get there"? Well 90% of the time it's actually true. If I only went to things when I actually felt like it immediately beforehand my life would be pretty small and boring. Similarly with my kids, quite often they moan and say they don't want to do sports training when they get out of school tired, but as soon as they get there and see their mates, they're as happy as Larry. I'm trying to get them to understand that "Motivation is a flaky mother fucker, but habit is your homeboy". If it's in the diary, just do it. You'll probably be glad you did.

Another thing I meant to add is that staying at home is much more enjoyable than it used to be, in that you can be entertained 24/7 by what's on TV.