To agree with this article on flaking

[ByGreenBiscuit]

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/jan/07/flaking-out-of-social-plans

specifically, agreeing with the bit that says flaking is so much more common now, and with the people that say flaking is something we should take more seriously and do less of, that we have all started fetishising introversion a bit too much (I say this as someone who does this a lot themselves) and also that it is self-destructive and erodes our friendships.

The article mentions Gen Z and Millennials. I’m a Gen Z who always said no upfront and don’t understand why flaky people don’t do this.
Do they intend to go then change their mind on the day or do they say yes in case they feel like it on the day?
I have Aspergers so understand feelings of anxiety around socialising but I find that not being at least a bit social increases those negative feelings so I have to stay in the routine of putting myself out there to sone extent. I am not super sociable but I like being invited.

Good one!

Problem is that there is a valid argument for people putting themselves first when they really need it, but this is becoming a convenient excuse for the lazy and self-centred. The article quotes someone saying it was a good development that people weren’t “roughing it out” to attend “inconsequential” things. Which raises the questions of what constitutes “roughing it out” and to whom the event is “inconsequential”! It doesn’t feel inconsequential to have your time and company valued at nothing.

I’d expect dropping out of an event to involves weighing up the consequences for me of going against those of the other person or people. Seems like the woman quoted above stops at the first part.

“I think the main driver of flaking is that everyone is burnt out,” Tim said.

Everyone seems to think they are ‘burnt out’ these days, it’s become the latest word to be overused to the point of being meaningless, like ‘mental health’, ‘depressed’ and ‘fascist’. Heaven knows how a lot of people in this country would cope if they had to do live the kind of life many people in poorer countries with little in the way of employment rights or safety nets do. You know, the way people always used to manage in the UK, until the past 100 years.

So many people seem to have lost any and all resilience. Life is tough. You won’t always be happy. That’s normal. It doesn’t mean you have a mental health problem or are burnt out.

We're all busy, we're all tired. Lots and lots of us have health issues. No one seems to want to commit to do anything anymore. Barring genuine emergencies and serious illness it's lazy and rude to flake out.

It's appallingly rude. If you don't want to go or think you won't want to go, just say no from the get-go. And I say this as an off the charts introvert who doesn't always feel like going to things but would never blow off a commitment at the last minute. Not to stereotype, but I'm 60 and sucking it up was dinned into me from an early age, so is this more generational?

“(S)he travels fastest who travels alone”

I genuinely love my friends but I do not bother inviting them along to anything because of the flakiness, last min cancellations, requests to change dates and general faff. I go to the theatre/cinema alone, art shows, anything really. I also go on the famous MN cure all, spa breaks, on my own and love it. I just have less patience as I get older and if someone lets me down once or twice I don’t bother meeting up with them anymore.

The only friend who is consistently reliable is child free and I’m sure the two factors are related (I have two young DC of my own in case anyone things I hate kids😂)

I just don't commit to anything at all now
My condition means I can be fine and then 10 mins later needing morphine for pain so obviously I would have to cancel if I booked something
So I just don't book or do anything for the time being

Flakey or late people are giving you a message - I listen to this message- I am not important to them - so I bin them

That’s a great quote.

Agree there’s a lot more to do at home nowadays that can almost feel like having company - watching tv, commenting on social media, listening to podcasts. But to be too much of it and I feel hollow and lonely. It’s still very hard to tear myself away tho and progressively my social life has gotten a lot smaller, I think in a large part as a result of this.

I was reading the other day about how in poorer places pre-industrialisation, people didn’t have the means to cook at home so they generally went to an ale house every evening for a cheap dinner and also entertainment and company. Can you imagine how much more connected we would all feel if we switched off our tvs and ate communally nights?

I know they also lived in abject poverty so it’s not all roses but I do find the idea of being almost forced into my socialising quite attractive.

For me I’d add coughing and spluttering. I don’t want to catch anyone’s cold or flu as I am immune compromised and it annoys me when people don’t stay at home or warn people before meeting when they’re clearly sick!

I think the main driver of burnout is phone addiction and digital exhaustion. We are all burning out on constant stimulation. If on the other hand we spend more time in people’s actual company, we’d feel less compelled to go spend hours doomscrolling on social media! So the idea that staying at home is self care seems ridiculous when it basically means staying at home to spend time on your phone. (Recognise not everyone will but most will!)

This happened to me 30 years ago—I cooked a gorgeous birthday meal for 12 and I think over half no showed. It really didn’t occur to people that I had gone to any trouble or expense for the party. That was my conclusion, anyway. I stopped throwing myself parties then.

I do lots of things on my own too, and have done for years. I've definitely noticed a lot more women doing the same. When I first stared doing this (25 years ago), I was pretty much the only woman on her own in the cinema, theatre or restaurant, or travelling alone. Now there are loads of us. I'm not sure that it's entirely down to flakey friends, though - it would be interesting to know why there are so many more women doing things solo.

I’m not begging people to be my friend. If they’d rather do something else and flake on me then that’s their choice and a clear sign of the effort they’re planning to put in. I will match that effort.

I also think that we form habits and newer, smaller comfort zones very easily. If you stop doing things, the idea of doing things becomes less and less appealing. As those who have had anxiety will know, giving in to the impulse to make your comfort zone smaller can end in a very restricted life.

This 1000%

”Unless it’s a significant birthday or wedding, I’m not quite sure why one would agree to gather in the first place. These days I’ll take any excuse to cancel last-minute and it feels like self-care.”

I found this comment from the article particularly gobsmacking.

If you can’t be bothered to invest in friendships good luck being invited to big birthdays or weddings or ever having anyone to invite to your own. What a sad loser.

The quote is also contradictory. If you don't want to agree to gather in the first place ... then why are you doing so? Surely it's even better self care to realise you don't want to do something and therefore not commit to doing so ...?

It's also contradictory. They're not sure why anyone would agree in the first place, yet clearly they did since they pride themselves on taking any excuse to cancel. Talk about a lack of self-awareness (on top of the selfishness). I get the impression that there's something almost performative about this "self-care" - you have to be seen to be doing it, and make others know that your temporary comfort is much more important than their planned occasions.

It's definitely more normal. I remember having that mind shift to "I don't owe anyone anything". It seemed to be a millennial mantra. Now I realise that being rude or unsupportive to other people was not "self care" it was just selfish.

I still don't feel obligated to say yes to every invitation but I've learned to say no in the first place. If it's something I know I'll dread, I say no.... unless my attendance is really important to a close friend/ family. I think that last part is still a bit lost on some people and I often have to remind myself. Sometimes showing up makes the people you love happy.

It doesn’t feel inconsequential to have your time and company valued at nothing.

THIS. I can fully appreciate that people have a lot on including genuine issues but as a person that has been cancelled on a lot I feel there isn’t enough consideration about how the other person will feel.

It makes you feel absolutely worthless when people do this regularly. I’ve stopped bothering with many “friends” over this, if it was important to make time to see me they would. They seem to forget that I can see their social profiles so they obviously make it to things they want to.

Worst offender was the one who flaked on me when she was supposed to be coming over for some company when I was alone the day after I buried my mother. When I pulled her up on her last minute change of plans (essentially she found something else she would rather do) she didn’t understand why I was cross. It was important to her to practice self-care apparently. No appreciation for how that might impact others.

Likewise.

I don't bother with people who care so little about me that they will continually let me down.

And I'm an introvert. If I say I'm coming, I will.

It's pretty annoying. Though I am guilty of it myself. But not when it's a friend I only see a couple times a year, and there is travel involved. I'd make an effort to always come to something like that. Unless I was really unwell.
I have a new friend, and it's now got to the third instance where she's invited me to something or suggested a date, only to literally blank me when I try and make it concrete. It's her that's suggesting these things? It's very odd. I'm now thinking she's not going to be that much of a friend. Shame as I do love her company.