To agree with this article on flaking

[ByGreenBiscuit]

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/jan/07/flaking-out-of-social-plans

specifically, agreeing with the bit that says flaking is so much more common now, and with the people that say flaking is something we should take more seriously and do less of, that we have all started fetishising introversion a bit too much (I say this as someone who does this a lot themselves) and also that it is self-destructive and erodes our friendships.

God, I arranged a birthday lunch for a person who had been moaning that they had nothing organised for the big day. Ten people all ready to attend and the birthday person flaked outs. Git. All had to be cancelled. We now have a freezer full of sandwiches and assorted nibbles. Never again.

Oh god. this in spades!!!
And if I ever dare change a plan or say I can’t come - all hell breaks loose!

I think it's one of the worst changes in the post-Covid world. People just don't want to doanything now, and it's all dressed up as self-care and how saying no is this sainted peak which we should all aspire to.

I absolutely agree. Flaking is such a shit thing to do to people, people who might have made special arrangements to keep your plans, paid out money they won’t get back or even just be really looking forward to or needing some company.

When people admit they’ve been struggling others say “Oh, I wish you’d got in touch with me” - well, maybe they did try and you flaked on them. Sometimes you need to put yourself out for others.

But even just on a general level, it’s a crappy thing to do and those who flake on me don’t stay my friends. They’ll be the ones complaining that they’re lonely and isolated and will only have themselves to blame - they were too busy “self-caring” ( ) to bother with others so why should others bother with them?

I do stuff alone all the time. I even travel to countries like Turkey, Thailand and India on my own. Go to plays and the ballet on my own.
That's not the point though.

That’s shocking. What was the excuse? And very kind of you.

did you let him know that you’d gone to that trouble with food in the freezer etc?

I feel we let people get away with flaking too much too, out of politeness. I wonder if they’d be a bit better if we actually said this has had x and y consequence?

Sounds like do have MH issues… my flaky time was when I didn’t have a handle on a MH issue I have. Not to excuse it but it does mean more erratic behaviour, difficulty planning and committing etc. Still tho, I think it’s so much better for the flaker if they can take control and be more consistent - it reallt does a number on your self esteem flaking (or at least it did me) and I was convinced everyone hated me which then led to more flaking!

Tbh I let him flake. But it was embarrassing because I then had to call all other guests and apologise and none of it was my fault!

I don't have anyone who fails to show up to pre-arranged events/activities like this in my life, which is why I find Mn so fascinating -- there are so many people who seem to be incredibly low-energy, and/or misanthropic.

I think the rise of mobile phones has massively contributed to this.

I remember almost 20 years at uni going out without my phone one day and I was supposed to be meeting a friend but she didn't show up in the agreed place so after 15 minutes I left. When I got home there were messages from her saying she was going to be late, then messages asking where I was, then missed calls. I was just like, "I didn't have my phone on me so I waited in our agreed meeting place and when you didn't show up, I left." And she was like, "But WHYYY didn't you have your phone on you?"

I don't know. I just didn't. But I made the point that in pre mobile days people just had to be where they said they would be, when they said they would be there.

I'm now way more attached to my phone than I was 20 years ago and would always see a message unless my phone actually got lost or broken. But I think the principle is still good. It's so easy to contact people, and we expect them to read their messages instantly, that it's too easy to cancel at the last minute when we don't feel like doing something.

These days I keep my friends list purposefully small and there aren't any flaky people on it.

Yup. Anyone else I would have cut off a loooonnnggg time ago but this is a childhood friend and the situation is unlikely to ever change. So I have adjusted my expectations accordingly.
Put it this way - NEVER again will I plan to go on holiday with this person! Still, I had a lovely time solo and made lots of new friends while there 😂

I seem to have the great good luck of a lack of flakes in my life. Dd1 will drop out or not manage certain things but that's autism/social anxiety rather than not being arsed. On Instagram I constantly see this mantra about ditching everything that doesn't 'serve you' and it's the absolute antithesis of civil society imo.

I agree. Quote from the article: "These days I’ll take any excuse to cancel last-minute and it feels like self-care.” So basically 'self-care' has become a euphemism for being selfish and careless of others feelings.

The 'fetishisation of introversion' picked up in the article is a worrying trend alongside the increased used of social media. It is much easier to fall down a social media rabbit hole of extremism and spout cruel and unpleasant things online when there is less and less in person social interaction.

We are a social species but we increasingly loosen our social bonds by prioritising our own comfort and convenience under the guise of 'self care'. Sometimes you can and should make an effort for other people.

Yes, I hate how it's just normal now that a "yes" is really a "maybe". If I commit to going to something, especially an event someone is hosting, that's a commitment. I don't understand why people think it's ok to cancel on the day except in extreme circumstances. It's shockingly rude and unkind.

It's easier to do nothing than to do something, and it can become a habit. I'm quite an extrovert at work and socially, but when left to my own devices (I live alone) I can find loads of excuses to do no more than sit in bed on my laptop or noodle about on YouTube with the dog on my lap. A few years ago I realised I was turning people's offers down and that they just didn't ask again, so I had to make a huge conscious decision to be reliable, to turn up, to 'perform' if you will. Once I started doing it it became a lot easier, but during the winter, when the weather is bad, the urge to say 'sorry, I can't make it after all' is huge.

I agree flaking is rude. I don't flake.

But Covid showed me how much pressure socialising added to my life. So I stated up front to all my friends that I would be cutting back and focussing more on things I wanted to do.

There are mothers in our community who rely on mother groups, for example. I used to attend all meet ups because I worried about offending people. Now I don't.

I had a friend who sucked me dry with always wanting to do something, or would come and visit and just talk all day. It's so hard to say no. Now I see her very occasionally. She would guilt trip me for not committing, which makes me want to see her less.

I wonder how much of this is due to how covid made us recalibrate? So many of these social events that some people value so highly have probably always been partially populated by people who feel obligated to just go with the flow. And why should they? Parties should be for people who like parties, and those who don't really like parties that much shouldn't be expected to 'pad out' the event.

we have all started fetishising introversion

I completely agree with this and I say that as someone who is very introverted. But I make the effort, and I don't flake. If I don't want to do something I don't commit to it in the first place. I think everyone started calling themselves an introvert after the lockdowns.

My best friend gets a pass on this though. She lives with horrendous chronic pain and she can opt out from socialising whenever she wants.

I completely agree about the fetishisation of introversion. It is almost fashionable to say on SM about how you hate people, hate leaving home, prefer dogs to humans, despise parties etc; it has started to make me roll my eyes really.

There is a fine line between self-care and self-absorption and it seems to get crossed an awful lot.

I was staggered by the below quote from the article. Are self checkouts, maintaing online accounts etc really making us busier than before? Wow, chores outside work were actually a lot more time consuming than now, guess what I have always had to 'pump gas' but still found time to meet my friends!"Kevin blamed people’s growing tendency to cancel on ever-increasing amounts of “labour” – both “actual hours worked” as well as* *historically high levels of “shadow work” for consumers, such as assembling furniture, pumping gas or self-checkouts.“Then factor in all the garbage we have to do on our phones now – how many hours a month do we spend creating online accounts and downloading apps and managing bugs and making complaints, just to park the car or order groceries?”".

More or less constant on MN. The " I hate everyone" and " I only want my little family" refrain.

Children leave and men may too, though.

I think even giving it a name, flaking/being flaky/a flake makes it an option almost. I had a friend who'd constantly cancel last minute. She adopted the persona of "that's me, I sometimes flake". Yeah, I'm out. The odd cancellation, fine. There's a lining friendship and both parties need to be invested. If you're not, you're not.

I’m sure they knew it wasn’t your fault!

I probably am flaky. I have RA and can't predict what I will be like that day when I wake. I have had to cancel same day sometimes as I am bed bound. As a result I don't really accept invitations anymore.

I try hard not to flake, although I now accept minimal invitations!

Health, energy and mobility are all interconnected factors but I do have a diagnosed autoimmune condition.

I am much better about knowing my limitations these days.

I can't tolerate flakers at all. Don't want my plans ruined and precious free time wasted by people who can't be bothered.