To think my son’s girlfriend’s dad is vile?

[SallyMcCarthy]

My son and his gf are both 20 and have been together on and off for four years. During that time, they have split up twice. On both occasions, the split happened because they both got drunk, got off with other people, and didn’t tell each other. In other words, there was cheating on both sides.

They always end up getting back together, because fundamentally they love each other and are extremely well suited, prefer each other to anybody else, and have a great time together.

Most recently, they got back together in October, decided that their previous transgressions were a sign that they were just young and not quite ready - but now they are older they want to make a proper commitment to each other, be faithful and stay together.

My view is: who knows whether that will work or not, but I’m certainly rooting for them and I hope they’re very happy together. My son’s girlfriend’s fathers view, however, is that my son is ‘a cheating weasel’ - and so between October and now, my son has not been allowed in his house (where the girlfriend lives). This means that my son and his girlfriend spend most of their time in my house, where they are both absolutely welcome. I cook the girlfriend endless meals, look after her when she’s ill, take her out for dinner when the whole family is going out. My attitude is that anyone my children love is welcome in home (within reason, obviously – I wouldn’t welcome a serial killer!!) and if my son holds no grudge for previous cheating (which would be a bit rich since he did the same!) then I certainly don’t either. It’s his home too and therefore up to him.

I honestly cannot understand how his girlfriend’s dad isn’t totally ashamed of himself, maintaining this position of not allowing my son in his house, when he knows we’ve welcomed his daughter back with open arms. I also cannot understand how the girlfriend’s mother can go along with this terrible policy. I’ve decided that if my son and his girlfriend ever split up, I’m going to write her parents a letter and tell them exactly what I think of them. I’ve also decided that neither her father or her mother are welcome in my house - not that this should ever be an issue!

Am I being unreasonable or is their behaviour abhorrent?

You're over involved.

Writing them a letter if your DS and girlfriend ever broke up is over the top. Are you absolutely sure her parents are even aware she cheated too?

Stay well out of it.

WooooooW

They are 20 - stop being so involved in their life
You do you, and left her father do him

It has zero impact on your life

I think you're very invested in what you describe as an adult relationship and perhaps would benefit from stepping back.

Ultimately, whether you agree or disagree it is the parent's house and they have prerogative on who enters it. They may have been told a very different story to what you were told. Who knows.

Leave your son to manage his own relationships and fight his own battles. This one isn't yours to take on.

Parents can choose who they want in their house. It’s none of your business and you’re far too involved. What an embarrassment writing a letter to them.

Your DS's girlfriend may have fed her parents a somewhat...altered story about the constant break ups and get togethers. She may have edited her part. Maybe your DS has told you another story that's not quite true (although I would have thought that she would have put you right by now). But actually - it's none of your business. They are 20. By all means make her comfortable in your home, but stay out of her parents' relationship with her. You only know what you are being told.

Don’t write a letter please.

Stop cooking for her/them, you ll be wiping their bottoms next.

IMHO you shouldn't be so involved, knowing the details which should be private between them. Presumably you only know what your son has chosen to tell you. The pair of them sound immature and prone to drunken dramatics. Hardly the building blocks of a stable, long term relationship. I think her dad sounds sensible.

I'd park your decisions to write the parents letter and ban them from your house. These both seem ill thought through and immature.

Okay, okay… I promise I won’t write a letter.

new Question: would you ban your adult child’s bf/gf from your home for prior cheating, if your child had forgiven them? Her parents know she cheated just as much - they both apologised to my son for her cheating when it happened.

Please don't write a letter op, everyone is adults here, you do not need to get involved

No doubt the father has been told a different story about their relationship. No doubt he has held his sobbing daughter in his arms at some point, although tbf you have no clue as to how she did react to his cheating - she could have danced with happiness to have got rid of a coercive manipulative cheat and now she's back under his spell. And since none of us, including you, actually know then it's best to step back and let them deal with any problems themselves (unless they ask for advise).

Don't be that embarrassing parent.

Meh. You are only in control of how you think about and view things. It's wasted energy to worry or concern yourself with what this particular man thinks and feels.

He will be the one who ultimately misses out if these two marry and have kids in the future as he will likely be too stubborn to get over himself.

Stop paying him any mind. And also, step back a bit from the relationship between your ds and his gf it's quite intense.

I absolutely wouldn't, but sometimes people just look for an excuse.

DS is 5, in his group of friends we often host playdates for each other. One mum always complained/delayed when it was her turn to host - then the one time she did host, a 5 yo accidentally knocked over and broke a small ornament. This is now the excuse she uses to never host again.

Even if it's not conscious, I'd guess he doesn't want them over all the time, eating all their food/invading on his space so has decided to dislike him.

they both apologised to my son for her cheating when it happened

Why did they apologise?

Sounds like you are all a bit over-invested in the relationship

Maybe they don’t condone the cheating by both of them, not just your DS. My DS had a GF who virtually lived here, most meals in and out, came on holiday with us, so I get that part, she cost us a small fortune.

I certainly wouldn’t be welcoming a cheating partner of my adult children back into the house.

the fact they get drunk and cheat on each other shows they don’t love each other, are far too immature for relationships and should maybe start concentrating on themselves before they get into another relationship .

a drunken recurring pattern that will continue for as long as they are together!

I agree with what other posters have said. You don't know what the girlfriend has told her parents about their relationship and you've also not mentioned to what extent they cheated on each other - does 'getting off' with someone mean a quick snog and fumble or did one or both of them have sex with other people? That might have influenced the father's decision to ban your son from the house. Maybe he just hopes that by making things difficult for his daughter, she will end what sounds like a fairly disastrous relationship.

But what on earth are you doing being so involved in your son's relationship when he's 20?! I don't think I've ever heard anything quite so bonkers as your plan to write to the boyfriend's parents - if you would seriously consider doing that, you sound like a real embarrassment.

No wonder she forgave him for cheating, she has a free ride in your house.

Maybe the girlfriend's dad doesn't know that she has cheated as well. She may not be as open with her parents as your son is with you.

I wouldn't recommend writing a letter to her parents at any point. It really isn't your place to do that. Your only justified grievance is the fact that you have to have the girlfriend at your house all the time and I assume that it costing quite a bit of money to feed her all the time and take her out to dinner with you.

I thought that 🤣 embarrassing really that you’re over involving yourself in this shitshow of a relationship to this extent op. They’re young, many of us have been there in toxic relationships and I’d argue it’s a much more ‘normal’ standpoint for a parent to take a dim view of this ridiculous behaviour and not really entertain it than it is for them to act the way you are, like their own personal cheerleader and housemaid.

They don’t like your son as a partner for their child.