To think my son’s girlfriend’s dad is vile?

[SallyMcCarthy]

My son and his gf are both 20 and have been together on and off for four years. During that time, they have split up twice. On both occasions, the split happened because they both got drunk, got off with other people, and didn’t tell each other. In other words, there was cheating on both sides.

They always end up getting back together, because fundamentally they love each other and are extremely well suited, prefer each other to anybody else, and have a great time together.

Most recently, they got back together in October, decided that their previous transgressions were a sign that they were just young and not quite ready - but now they are older they want to make a proper commitment to each other, be faithful and stay together.

My view is: who knows whether that will work or not, but I’m certainly rooting for them and I hope they’re very happy together. My son’s girlfriend’s fathers view, however, is that my son is ‘a cheating weasel’ - and so between October and now, my son has not been allowed in his house (where the girlfriend lives). This means that my son and his girlfriend spend most of their time in my house, where they are both absolutely welcome. I cook the girlfriend endless meals, look after her when she’s ill, take her out for dinner when the whole family is going out. My attitude is that anyone my children love is welcome in home (within reason, obviously – I wouldn’t welcome a serial killer!!) and if my son holds no grudge for previous cheating (which would be a bit rich since he did the same!) then I certainly don’t either. It’s his home too and therefore up to him.

I honestly cannot understand how his girlfriend’s dad isn’t totally ashamed of himself, maintaining this position of not allowing my son in his house, when he knows we’ve welcomed his daughter back with open arms. I also cannot understand how the girlfriend’s mother can go along with this terrible policy. I’ve decided that if my son and his girlfriend ever split up, I’m going to write her parents a letter and tell them exactly what I think of them. I’ve also decided that neither her father or her mother are welcome in my house - not that this should ever be an issue!

Am I being unreasonable or is their behaviour abhorrent?

@thatb you think it's reasonable for OP to be so emeshed in her adult sons dating life that she's imaging writing a letter to other adults, and playing nursemaid and servant to adults?
Ok.

They're 20?

Calling him 'vile' is a little extreme. I was expecting something way worse than the fact he doesn't want your son in his home after cheating on his daughter. That doesn't make him 'vile'; just a protective dad. So IMO quite the opposite of 'vile'.

Equally, you're being protective of your son - but he did cheat. You're willing to forgive and forget (whatever the gf did), her dad isn't. That's life unfortunately.

You’re too involved, and you’re accepting without question what you’ve been told. For all you know, the GF's family might have reasons you know nothing about - possibly valid reasons - for disliking your son.

You are just revelling in being the "Nice, Understanding, Welcoming" parent and contrasting yourself to the GF's parents. Sorry but you're not coming across well to me. Your attitude doesn’t bode well for the future.

If the GF's father is really so unpleasant and unreasonable and keeps up his attitude he and her mother will miss out on a future relationship with their daughter, possible son-in-law and possible grandchildren. But it’s not your business.

I get it- this relationship started when they were children and as such there had to be some parental oversight. What's happened now is that all of you haven't noticed that the they are now adults. They are relying on older adults to facilitate the relationship. Her parents are interfering by barring him from the home, i.e. refusing to respect her decision to try again with him. You are overstepping by having such strong opinions on what her parents do and wanting to "fix" it for him, and also by acting as a parent/nursemaid to a grown woman.

All the parents in this scenario need to take a big step back. You can't control what her parents do, but you can stop worrying about it and fussing around the gf. Your son is 20 years old, if his girlfriend is ill HE can look after her, and if they are hungry they are both perfectly capable of making food.

I wouldn't ban my childrens girlfriends or boyfriends from my house.
However I dont think its a big deal what her dad is like. At this age hopefully they will all leave home soon enough and it will have nothing to do with either him or you.

I would be strongly encouraging my son to rethink the relationship.
Her father is goi g nowhere and dislikes him.
Best to move on.

They always end up getting back together, because fundamentally they love each other and are extremely well suited, prefer each other to anybody else, and have a great time together
They don't really know anything else which is one reason I'd hate for any of my kids to settle for someone they'd been with since 16.
Your over involvement isn't doing them any favours OP and a cycle of cheating, drama, forgiveness, rinse and repeat isn't the big romance you clearly see

Seems like her parents don't think this a good and healthy relationship for them so they are not enabling it to develop. From their side they might think it has failed several times and is not built on trust. They may have had to deal with their daughter crying every time they broke up, have heard mainly her side of the story and have taken a stand. I would probably be hoping my child male or female finally ends it and finds themselves before committing to a relationship that is now marred with cheating and lying to each other.

and neither would I for my DDs

So your DS and his girlfriend had a falling out and both hooked up and shagged other people..........classy!

They're 20?

Now they are. But they were sixteen when it started.

It’s really non of your business OP.
I hate cheating
It sounds as if this relationship is a shit show that’s running on repeat , with you encouraging it on the sidelines.
Cheaters cheat and if they have kids …..more people hurt !
Actions have consequences .
Id be horrified not encouraging the cycle if it was me

My god. YABU. My first thought reading this (and I haven't read the full thread) was that if I was involved with a man whose mother thought it was appropriate for her to write letters to my parents, in response to my relationship with her son, I'd dump him, run a mile, change my address and make damn sure he could never find me.

She's only 20, so she probably doesn't know yet that you have all the signs of being a MIL from hell. If you don't want to end up alienated from your son in the future, or be part of the reason why he could end up divorced, then you need to learn to mind your own business and - seriously - stop thinking about his relationships.

There is no area where it has anything to do with you at all. And it's actually a bit ick-inducing thinking a blokes mother is that invested in his private life. You are doing him NO favours at all. Back the fuck off.

Please remember this post if you ever feel shunned by a future DIL. It might stand you in good stead.

I would be more inclined to side with the father, they are still young and have both cheated. Leave them alone to sort out their relationship.

You all sound barmy

why do people miuse words vile really? hes probably just had enough of the drama

my mil wrote to my parents when we were married in our 30s she bloody luky i spoke toher again=stop being so over invested

There's nothing you can do about it. I don't think many teenagers parents are besties with their b/gf's mum and dad. They usually barely know eachother.
Just continue as you are and know that you're doing the right thing. You can't force him to think positive things about your son. Just forget he exists.

Its not your problem still? But if you are asking me —if it were my child perhaps I would. I reserve the right to be unsupportive of a toxic relationship.

They’re very young, I would want my 20 year old (whether a boy or girl) to be out having fun. I don’t think getting off with other people when you’re between the ages of 16-20 counts as cheating.

I wouldn’t want my child in such a serious, long term relationship at 20, maybe the girlfriends parents feel the same and are just generally discouraging the relationship.

Haha @Betchyaby I absolutely would tell my DS he was being a shit if needed ( not needed and his DW would tell him herself anyway). They were 16/17 and he split up with her, that's all.

It was in reference to OP believing that GF parents apologised to her son over the cheating. Maybe they too muttered things like " that's a shame" or " sorry to hear that" rather than as some people are assuming, a formal apology over their daughter snogging someone else.

Words have no meaning anymore when you use 'vile' for this situation.

They're adults. Take several steps back from being this involved in your son's love life.

You are too enmeshed. Stay out of it and stop playing “cool mum” by welcoming them at your home all the time.

if you write them a letter you will be batshit crazy

can’t believe either side is involved in discussions who cheated and they apologised to your son!!! Why?? This is insane. Are you all living on Coronation street??

They sound like a pretty toxic couple if they keep cheating on each other then getting back together. Her dad's stance is understandable and they'll have to play out their drama at your house.

My daughter is 19 and her bf 20. They spend most of the time together at our house as she has her own room and he shares with a sibling. I don't feed them. I offer if I'm cooking, but otherwise they are happy to buy and cook their own food or eat out / pay for a takeaway. They both have jobs so why should I feed him? They do sometimes use food I've bought which is absolutely fine too.

At their age I don't think of them as ready to settle down, though they have talked of doing so later on, but I do regard them as adult enough to look after themselves.