To think my son’s girlfriend’s dad is vile?

[SallyMcCarthy]

My son and his gf are both 20 and have been together on and off for four years. During that time, they have split up twice. On both occasions, the split happened because they both got drunk, got off with other people, and didn’t tell each other. In other words, there was cheating on both sides.

They always end up getting back together, because fundamentally they love each other and are extremely well suited, prefer each other to anybody else, and have a great time together.

Most recently, they got back together in October, decided that their previous transgressions were a sign that they were just young and not quite ready - but now they are older they want to make a proper commitment to each other, be faithful and stay together.

My view is: who knows whether that will work or not, but I’m certainly rooting for them and I hope they’re very happy together. My son’s girlfriend’s fathers view, however, is that my son is ‘a cheating weasel’ - and so between October and now, my son has not been allowed in his house (where the girlfriend lives). This means that my son and his girlfriend spend most of their time in my house, where they are both absolutely welcome. I cook the girlfriend endless meals, look after her when she’s ill, take her out for dinner when the whole family is going out. My attitude is that anyone my children love is welcome in home (within reason, obviously – I wouldn’t welcome a serial killer!!) and if my son holds no grudge for previous cheating (which would be a bit rich since he did the same!) then I certainly don’t either. It’s his home too and therefore up to him.

I honestly cannot understand how his girlfriend’s dad isn’t totally ashamed of himself, maintaining this position of not allowing my son in his house, when he knows we’ve welcomed his daughter back with open arms. I also cannot understand how the girlfriend’s mother can go along with this terrible policy. I’ve decided that if my son and his girlfriend ever split up, I’m going to write her parents a letter and tell them exactly what I think of them. I’ve also decided that neither her father or her mother are welcome in my house - not that this should ever be an issue!

Am I being unreasonable or is their behaviour abhorrent?

You’re far too over invested.

You also don’t know how hurt the girlfriend was - maybe she was devastated when he did it, and she “retaliated”. Maybe she didn’t. But her parents may see your son as the boy who broke her heart. Not saying they’re right or wrong - but they may hate him as much as you hate them! Banning them from your house makes you sound no better, tbh.

Judging by the girlfriend's Father's reaction, I'd say he has zero idea his daughter cheated on your son! I suspect his daughter failed to mention this fact to her parents, for the fear of being judged and probably feels they'd be less than impressed. Therefore, she's put the blame of infidelity solely onto your son, as it was easier than telling her parents the truth. You just carry on supporting your son but definitely don't send a letter to her Dad!

Your opinion is NU, but best keep it to yourself. Going on past form, if they split up (again) and you write the letter, they might be back together again soon enough. Could make things awkward.

It is mostly likely the parents are not hearing the same story.

Based on your OP post it seems like your son’s GF shagged two other blokes, and didn’t tell him. You seem very accepting and relaxed about that? She’s very likely to do the same again, and again.

Regardless , let them sort it out.

> not allowing him into her home is bizarre behaviour.

His house, his rules
And if one of those rules is "no bloke who cheats on my daughter", good for him

Fathers are generally concerned about their daughters because, no matter who has cheated in the past, if their relationship breaks down after children enter the equation, it's usually the girl who " carries the can" .
Only time will tell, here. Don't interfere. His house, his rules.

We don't know what he says to her though and that he may just have zero tolerance for cheating but she's his daughter and has to tacitly move on with it for her but no obligation to for the boy she's in an unhealthy relationship with.

Why on earth would a parent be "rooting" for irresponsible immature adults to get back together? Their mistake wasn't splitting up, but getting back together. I've been there, I'm sure most of us have been there, but it's all too easy to get back together because it seems a better option than being lonely, single and missing that person. That's how it is when you split with someone, it's not nice. But they need to journey through that difficult patch and come out the other side, not jump back the relationship (that sounds like a car crash) just because it's easier.

@SallyMcCarthy you need to encourage your lads confidence in being single rather than encouraging him in this relationship. He could also do with learning that the grass isn't always greener and he can't just can't go through life swapping line thing for another when he's getting bored. The lyrics of Taylors Swifts "we are never getting back together, its just exhausting" spring to mind. Constantly on/off dramatic relationships with repeated cheating on one or both sides are just not worth the hassle. Make the break and make it permanent.

As your son and girlfriend, are adult they chooses who they want to be with. And you decide the rules in your house. I wouldn't waste time or energy with her parents. They maybe showing her tough love or just don't want to spend the money having any boyfriend around. The parents have a right to choose how they lead their lives, it doesn't matter what you think. Same with anyone else. You lead your life how you wish. Don't take on negative stuff, just keep your heart with love for your son/ family xx

And, let’s be honest, he doesn’t give the slightest shit about not being welcome in the house where his daughter’s on-off boyfriend, whom he’s just banned from his own house, lives.

You were like them once.
How would you feel if your parent/s did what you are intending to do.
Empower them, they are adults and make choices.
Before acting on anything consider what it will / will not achieve?
Set them free, this is their life. Her parents have done nothing to you.

Doubt the OP is coming back at this stage which is probably just as well given that this story has now been lifted and appears in The Mirror.

So it has.

https://www.mirror.co.uk/lifestyle/sex-relationships/my-sons-girlfriends-dad-called-34461950

Is that supposed to be the OP’s son or the girlfriend’s Dad in the stock image? If it’s the Dad, they’ve imagined him very differently from the way I pictured him.

I don’t think it’s any of your business. You are too involved. Not healthy.

Please don't write the letter. It will cause serious damage and come back to haunt you, your son and the girlfriend. Once you send it, you can't retrieve it and have no control over what happens to it. I say this from experience (a relation wrote a letter to a family member after an incident at my wedding, without my knowledge. It caused more harm than good. Its atill the elephant in the room so many years later). Its lovely to hear how well you treat and look after the gf, but you need to take a step back. So what if the father doesn't allow your son in? His house, his rules. The daughter won't forget it for sure. Let them get on (and mature, hopefully) and navigate this themselves x

This has to be the epitome of embarrassing parent! Please just back off for fucks sake

Everyone in this situation sounds absolutely batshit.

Any one else want them to split and you to send the letter then when they get back together it’s part of a very embarrassing wedding speech

Good grief, it sounds like you are running their relationship! The behaviour of both is unlikely to change as it’s clearly not the relationship you think it is. It’s a totally unhealthy relationship with neither respecting the other. When the next break up happens which it will, I suggest you talk to your DS about making a clean break! And FGS don’t write to her parents!

It sounds as though the father knows about your son’s cheating, but not his daughter’s.

This is more strange to me. I am not involved in their lives but close enough to them that they would come to me for emotional support if they had been cheated on, I think that’s normal

Maybe they just don't like him! I'm surprised both you and her parents are so involved in their relationship. Why would a parent apologise for their adult child's behaviour. I think all parties have to take a step back.

You're a boy Dad he's a girl Dad they are way less forgiving My Dad and indeed my Uncle warned any male who came into my life upset me you'd upset them and there would be consequences Personally I think you and Gf s Dad both need to butt out

Not wanting to sound cruel but it's really non of your business. How does the GF feel about her Dad not letting your Son into their home? It's up to her to voice how she feels & confront her Dad if it bothers her. They may prefer to be at your house if you're so welcoming to her so I wouldn't stress about it. I'm sure they'll get things sorted in future if the relationship lasts.

As the father of DDs I am sorry I agree with him.