To think my son’s girlfriend’s dad is vile?

[SallyMcCarthy]

My son and his gf are both 20 and have been together on and off for four years. During that time, they have split up twice. On both occasions, the split happened because they both got drunk, got off with other people, and didn’t tell each other. In other words, there was cheating on both sides.

They always end up getting back together, because fundamentally they love each other and are extremely well suited, prefer each other to anybody else, and have a great time together.

Most recently, they got back together in October, decided that their previous transgressions were a sign that they were just young and not quite ready - but now they are older they want to make a proper commitment to each other, be faithful and stay together.

My view is: who knows whether that will work or not, but I’m certainly rooting for them and I hope they’re very happy together. My son’s girlfriend’s fathers view, however, is that my son is ‘a cheating weasel’ - and so between October and now, my son has not been allowed in his house (where the girlfriend lives). This means that my son and his girlfriend spend most of their time in my house, where they are both absolutely welcome. I cook the girlfriend endless meals, look after her when she’s ill, take her out for dinner when the whole family is going out. My attitude is that anyone my children love is welcome in home (within reason, obviously – I wouldn’t welcome a serial killer!!) and if my son holds no grudge for previous cheating (which would be a bit rich since he did the same!) then I certainly don’t either. It’s his home too and therefore up to him.

I honestly cannot understand how his girlfriend’s dad isn’t totally ashamed of himself, maintaining this position of not allowing my son in his house, when he knows we’ve welcomed his daughter back with open arms. I also cannot understand how the girlfriend’s mother can go along with this terrible policy. I’ve decided that if my son and his girlfriend ever split up, I’m going to write her parents a letter and tell them exactly what I think of them. I’ve also decided that neither her father or her mother are welcome in my house - not that this should ever be an issue!

Am I being unreasonable or is their behaviour abhorrent?

Many years ago my teenage ds split up with his teenage gf. She came round and complained at me that he had treated her badly etc. She was young, I was tolerant, I listened, I said "oh dear" and "I'm sorry" and I shooed her on her way. I wonder if she (or her mother) thinks I apologised for his behaviour 😆

I can't blame her parents for not encouraging a flimsy and fairly toxic teenage relationship. I see her in a couple of years left holding a baby, relationship long gone sour.
You do you and let her parents do their own thing.

Missed that. That's another level of cray cray.

Maybe the dad doesn't know? It's all a bit high octane for what is essentially a teenage romance possibly overliving its shelf life.

You are WAY too involved. Neither of you are wrong. You are free to welcome his daughter and he is free ti not forgive your son.

No party is acting problematically here.

They both sound really immature and are still so young. I’d back away, they will keep cheating and likely eventually split up for good

I'm agog at an adult woman's parents apologising because their daughter snogged someone. It's one of the most insane things I've ever heard in my life.

If my son was in this relationship I would not be "rooting for them" as it seems like a disastrous coupling to me. Perhaps the parents feel like they don't want to encourage the relationship.

I personally wouldn't get involved. They're young and immature. They probably won't last long before they break.up again. The girls father is within his rights not to welcome the boyfriend, he disapproves of their toxic relationship. It's something I would do too, if I didn't want my children in a toxic relationship.

Maybe the gf hasnt cheated and your ds has fed you a story? How would you know unless she had admitted it to you herself?

Keep your nose out of their business, everyone's business, your son, his girlfriend and the other parents.

If you really think a strongly worded letter from you saying what you think of them is going to change their mind and they will suddenly see the light and welcome your son with open arms - - - you're batshit crazy.

You have whoever you want in your home and leave others to decide who they want in their home.

Find another hobby.

Maybe they just don't like your son and don't want him in their house

Why are you so involved?

He's right your son is a cheating weazle, so is his daughter... He has the right to not allow him in his house... You keep your nose out. Let them fathom it out. They're still only babies it's unlikely to last at that age

I don't understand why you're so desperate to help prolong a childhood romance. I'd be delighted if my DC broke up with someone they'd been with since they were 16, they both need to grow up, as do you

Me too.

I’m with them. I hope my DC don’t get too involved, too young.

How bizarre! Why were they apologising to your son for their daughter cheating? O think both sets of parents should stay out of their relationship and let them get on with it - they are adults!

As said by many posters, I don't understand why you are rooting for them. It sounds as though they should be meeting up for fun, while they grow up. Sometimes when you start to treat young couples as thought they are much older and settled, a pregnancy gets planned. It's women whose lives are massively changed by that. Looking back to thev80's, when we (18-25) were being encouraged to hitch ourselves and get pregnant, we absolutely should have waited and enjoyed our 20's.

My dd is a bit younger (16 at the time). However, I decided that her boyfriend was no longer welcome in my home after he cheated on her for the second time and she was very upset. I didn't like him, didn't feel I could trust him or be particularly civil to him. It's my house, I don't want people in it that make me feel uncomfortable. It was a risk as she could have just gone to his all the time as your son's gf has done. Fortunately they broke up (after he cheated for the third time).
Weirdly the boyfriend's mum sent me quite a few text messages about what a lovely boy he was. Presumably like you she couldn't stand the idea that another adult had a negative view of her lovely little toe-rag. I just ignored them.

You have heard your son's version of events.

He has heard his daughter's.

The fact her father has taken this stance and you have not looks like you got the sugar coated story and he got the facts. Calling him 'vile' because he doesn't want his daughter in a toxic relationship is pretty vile in itself.

Mothers that see no wrong in their sons are half the problem. I'm so glad my MIL is a 'girls girl' she will back me and tell my DH off when he needs it.

No one in this sad story has covered themselves in glory - you, your son, your son's girlfriend, or girlfriend's dad. You all sound terrible. This is not a healthy relationship so I can see why the other parent might not be too happy about it.

It sounds like a ridiculous ‘relationship’ with lots of drama that you need to step away from.

Im not surprised he’s disengaging from it, it’s a mess.

They always end up getting back together, because fundamentally they love each other and are extremely well suited, prefer each other to anybody else, and have a great time together.

They always end up breaking up, because fundamentally can't stop cheating on each other when they've had a few shandies.

I don't know why people are being so mean! TBH I wish my MIL was like you LOL. I don't think you're being unreasonable, they are treating your son like crap when their daughter did the same thing

I'd wager the stories each parent has heard are quite different.

I wouldn't ban anyone from anywhere in this case. Her parents are BU but if you think your son and his lass are in it for the long haul I wouldn't be picking fights with parents you might have to sit at a table with at a wedding one day, especially since they've ended it before and then got back together, so you can't assume it's safe to burn bridges at any point really!