To think my son’s girlfriend’s dad is vile?

[SallyMcCarthy]

My son and his gf are both 20 and have been together on and off for four years. During that time, they have split up twice. On both occasions, the split happened because they both got drunk, got off with other people, and didn’t tell each other. In other words, there was cheating on both sides.

They always end up getting back together, because fundamentally they love each other and are extremely well suited, prefer each other to anybody else, and have a great time together.

Most recently, they got back together in October, decided that their previous transgressions were a sign that they were just young and not quite ready - but now they are older they want to make a proper commitment to each other, be faithful and stay together.

My view is: who knows whether that will work or not, but I’m certainly rooting for them and I hope they’re very happy together. My son’s girlfriend’s fathers view, however, is that my son is ‘a cheating weasel’ - and so between October and now, my son has not been allowed in his house (where the girlfriend lives). This means that my son and his girlfriend spend most of their time in my house, where they are both absolutely welcome. I cook the girlfriend endless meals, look after her when she’s ill, take her out for dinner when the whole family is going out. My attitude is that anyone my children love is welcome in home (within reason, obviously – I wouldn’t welcome a serial killer!!) and if my son holds no grudge for previous cheating (which would be a bit rich since he did the same!) then I certainly don’t either. It’s his home too and therefore up to him.

I honestly cannot understand how his girlfriend’s dad isn’t totally ashamed of himself, maintaining this position of not allowing my son in his house, when he knows we’ve welcomed his daughter back with open arms. I also cannot understand how the girlfriend’s mother can go along with this terrible policy. I’ve decided that if my son and his girlfriend ever split up, I’m going to write her parents a letter and tell them exactly what I think of them. I’ve also decided that neither her father or her mother are welcome in my house - not that this should ever be an issue!

Am I being unreasonable or is their behaviour abhorrent?

It's up to him really. Writing him a letter makes you sound utterly barmy.

You know far too much about their relationship. IDK if any of my adult children have cheated or been cheated on because their sex lives are none of my business.

It's entirely inappropriate for you to tell a middle aged man who should be welcome in his home.

Probably not because it would just lead to the relationship being continued somewhere else (ie your house) but I wouldn't support the relationship either, I think your attitude to cheating is too blasé tbh.
And not to make it sound like a playground , but who cheated first? As if it was your son and hers was a reaction to his being unfaithful and an unstable relationship then I suspect that might be behind their reaction.
Ultimately- they are 20, stop treating them like children and back off.
And stop fussing over them, 20 year old should be looking after themselves, especially if they think they are now mature enough for a serious committed relationship, they need to act like independent adults first.

Yep as others have said - you're over-involved. This relationship may come to something or it may not, but it definitely won't be helped by you being 'at war' with your future potential in-laws.

Maybe they don’t think they are suited and hope they split up soon to end all the dramatics. Also maybe they don’t want to be constantly feeding another person in the house.

Think your son and gf are taking the piss and see you as a soft touch

You parents all sound a bit too invested. The lovers are very young. We oldies have no business getting involved in young people's love lives.

It’s pretty simple OP… they obviously don’t like your adult son one bit. And don’t want the relationship to continue as they think she’d be better off without him.
Hence they don’t want him in their house. Which is absolutely their right.
And they’re willing to upset their own daughter in the process.
So they really believe he’s a wrong ‘un.

I guess it’s hard for a lot of parents to come to terms with other people thinking your children are complete and utter twats and want absolutely nothing to do with them, to the point of not wanting them in their house or around their own family members.

I would also say that the (adult) kids need to get their own place and stop bringing their business home all the time. If they want to continue this relationship without all the parentals getting involved - they need to leave home.

So it sounds like the girlfriend cheated first. The fact that your son dumped his girlfriend for her indiscretion and reacted in a way that made her parents feel that they needed to apologise for her actions implies that he had a strong reaction to being cheated on...then went and did the same thing himself.
I'd not be too happy about my child being with someone who acts in this hypocritical way, particularly when I've felt the need to apologise to them for something that they've done themselves!

Blimey. They’re young adults and don’t need you shepherding their relationship and taking offence on their behalf, let alone interfering in the dynamic between them and her parents. These people are totally unrelated to you and their business is not yours. (He’s ‘vile’ and you want to write them a letter telling them what you think of them?! Good grief, give your fkn head a wobble.)

They may or may not stay together (more likely not, given the history of the whole shitshow), but either way you might want to consider taking a MASSIVE step back, dialling down the outrage and giving everyone a bit of breathing space.

None of this is your business.

They are both so so so young, I doubt they will even be together when they are 23 never mind 25 !

If she is ill, send her home - you are not her mother nor are you her family.

The only reason I would be welcoming the partner in such a volatile relationship would be so I didn't alienate my child.

None of us are our best selves at 19, and so maybe they will grow up and have a wonderful relationship but the evidence says otherwise and they kind of need to earn that respect.

The GF's parents sound overly strict, and you sound overly involved. You don't need to care for someone else's 20yo when they're sick - she can look after herself, or your son can care for his girlfriend.

I married my first boyfriend, we've been together since we were 18. My mum married her first boyfriend, they got engaged when she was 19. I still wouldn't be getting so invested in any relationship at this age!

Yes absolutely!
I have banned my sons Gf from our house because she is a narcissist cheating control freak.
my son deserves better, but it’s his choice to have her as his Gf like it is my
choice whether to allow her in My home.
you need to keep out of your sons relationship and let him make his own choices.

Well your son is "a cheating weasel", isn't he. The fact his girlfriend is one too doesn't change that.

They're the ones who sound vile, not her dad. And you sound far too involved and like you can't see anything wrong in your awful son and his girlfriend's behaviour.

I personally would make them know I wasn't happy about it and they wouldn't be allowed to have sleepovers straight away.

From their point of view he cheated on their little girl - yes she has done the same but they don't really care about him getting hurt. Maybe they just don't like him.

Do you have any daughters?

I was thinking, over involved, from the moment I read that you cook her endless meals, and look after her when she is ill.

They are not well suited.

The dad probably has no interest whatsoever in their toxic drama playing out in his house. That you choose to enable it is entirely on you.

I’ve decided that if my son and his girlfriend ever split up, I’m going to write her parents a letter and tell them exactly what I think of them.

They are almost guaranteed to split up, given their track record. If you don't stay faithful in the first flush of youthful love and lust, when do you?

The dad has the right idea here. It is you who is not looking out for your son's welfare with this woman. Although, as pp have said, given they are adults, it's not really anyone else's business but theirs.

This with bells on.

It does sound a bit of a toxic relationship. I’m not sure I’d be open armed, but I wouldn’t go as far as banning them.
I don’t think it’ll actually last, but there you go. Don’t get too invested in it all.

This!

My friend had her drink spiked when she was at university, got horrendously sick in a club and was banned from the union, and the university sent a letter to her dad to inform him.

He tore them a new one about a) safeguarding and b) the fact his daughter was an adult who didn't need to be told on to her dad.