To think my son’s girlfriend’s dad is vile?

[SallyMcCarthy]

My son and his gf are both 20 and have been together on and off for four years. During that time, they have split up twice. On both occasions, the split happened because they both got drunk, got off with other people, and didn’t tell each other. In other words, there was cheating on both sides.

They always end up getting back together, because fundamentally they love each other and are extremely well suited, prefer each other to anybody else, and have a great time together.

Most recently, they got back together in October, decided that their previous transgressions were a sign that they were just young and not quite ready - but now they are older they want to make a proper commitment to each other, be faithful and stay together.

My view is: who knows whether that will work or not, but I’m certainly rooting for them and I hope they’re very happy together. My son’s girlfriend’s fathers view, however, is that my son is ‘a cheating weasel’ - and so between October and now, my son has not been allowed in his house (where the girlfriend lives). This means that my son and his girlfriend spend most of their time in my house, where they are both absolutely welcome. I cook the girlfriend endless meals, look after her when she’s ill, take her out for dinner when the whole family is going out. My attitude is that anyone my children love is welcome in home (within reason, obviously – I wouldn’t welcome a serial killer!!) and if my son holds no grudge for previous cheating (which would be a bit rich since he did the same!) then I certainly don’t either. It’s his home too and therefore up to him.

I honestly cannot understand how his girlfriend’s dad isn’t totally ashamed of himself, maintaining this position of not allowing my son in his house, when he knows we’ve welcomed his daughter back with open arms. I also cannot understand how the girlfriend’s mother can go along with this terrible policy. I’ve decided that if my son and his girlfriend ever split up, I’m going to write her parents a letter and tell them exactly what I think of them. I’ve also decided that neither her father or her mother are welcome in my house - not that this should ever be an issue!

Am I being unreasonable or is their behaviour abhorrent?

It doesn't matter what the girlfriend told her father or whether there is equal blame between the OP's son and the GF. The father's sole concern is going to be his daughter's welfare, her self respect and the pattern of behaviour she is going o take into future relationships. Clearly, he thinks that a relationship built around cheating is not one that is healthy for her. He is correct. The OP is the one in the wrong, enabling something so toxic.

And whilst I do think they are adults who should be sorting this out themselves, families do play a part when it comes to abusive relationships (including emotionally abusive ones where there is serial cheating, gaslighting and co-dependency), and can either back up their family member and provide them with support and a place to come to when they free themselves of the abusive dynamic, or they can tell their loved one to lie in the bed of their making, or they can go full 180 and back up and support the abusive spouse over the welfare of their own kin. The latter two situations are seen all too often on MN.

Off and on relationships aren't really a stable relationship.

Dad can feel however he wants about your son and he doesn't have to welcome your son into his home. Social shunning by GF's dad is your son's consequence for cheating.

So you think they shouldn't ban your son from visiting but you say you will ban them from visiting you.
And why is her dad apologising about his daughter's sexual choices, and why are you so invested in details of your son's love life. It's all a bit clostrophobic and weird, to be honest

I think this will end when either your daughter or the boyfriend meet someone they decide they want to be with more. I don't think this is invariably the case with relationships that started as teenagers (my PILs were together from 13/14 until death) but it is pretty usual.

Also, butt out. They're grownups, let them act as such.

@SallyMcCarthy

This OP. It’s her dad’s house, his name on the mortgage. It’s not her house. When she moves out, that property will be her house.

Yes and it would probably just go.in the bin too.

Honestly it’s super naive to expect that a relationship of two 20 year olds will be “the one”. Very rare nowadays, and especially if they already tried to experiment with others - no way they’ll stay together long term, and its totally okay. They need to date a bit more people before settling down (with someone completely different).
so I just wouldn’t treat a GF as permanent fixture in my head, ie wouldn’t get invested in their relationships AT ALL

1. Disagree strongly that it’s ’the dad’s business who’s allowed in his house’. It’s his adult daughter’s home too, just as much as it’s his. She should therefore be allowed to invite round anyone she wants to welcome into her home, otherwise she’s not being treated as an equal in her own home, assuming they’re non-dangerous and non-criminal. Her dad doesn’t have to socialise with them. But not to allow guests his daughter wants (and loves) is tyrannical, patriarchal bullshit. It’s not her home if she can’t have her boyfriend in it. If her dad cared about her, he’d see this. No, not my business - but absolutely my right to have an opinion.

HAHAHAHAHA now I know for certain you are a wind up merchant. Whoever pays for the house owns it. I highly doubt the 20yr DD has the mortgage and is allowing her parents to live there. I wouldn't allow your cheating son in my house either. You have issues, you really do.

“Disagree strongly that it’s ’the dad’s business who’s allowed in his house’. It’s his adult daughter’s home too, just as much as it’s his. She should therefore be allowed to invite round anyone she wants to welcome into her home, otherwise she’s not being treated as an equal in her own home”

You simply cannot be serious.

Unless she’s paying the mortgage, she is not an equal.

You have some very strange views op.

Of course my children aren't allowed to bring 'anyone they want' home to my house!!

They are very welcome to ask me, and it will invariably be, and has always been to date, a yes.

But as the owner of my house, who has paid for it entirely, mine is the final decision.

The daughter is 20 so I guess it's possible she's paying full market rate to live there and that they're living as flat mates essentially - is she?

Otherwise, no, no it's not her decision.

It's their loss. They're being foolish to push their daughter away like that

I put YABU but wanted to add you have a fantastic attitude to your son’s girlfriend and seem to be a great parent. Don’t write a letter though.

Let it gooooooooo. ❄️

So as a mum to a ‘child’ that this happened to on numerous occasions I did “ban” the person from my home. I’m glad I did when I read numerous messages that were hurtful to me, our family and to them!
their parents welcomed ours and ultimately allowed horrendous behaviour from their child, they knew exactly what they were capable of having spoke to them ourselves but passed it off as young love..they aren’t aware that 10years on I’ve had to keep awful awful messages theirs sent ours with accusations that could cause serious harm.
you don’t know the story their child has told them, which I’d imagine is much worse than the truth that you know.

I saw it as coercion on their part, they had control and they knew it. Maybe they see their daughter in a similar situation?
I’m glad to say they’re long out the picture and we have an upcoming wedding in just a few months 🥳 to someone that is their match!

I really don’t understand the phrase: “got off with other people”

I assume it means they had an orgasm with other people? Seems really strange phrasing from the OP, and how would you even know that level of detail?

Regardless, they are really young and it seems like a troubled relationship, but these things happen.

“Got off with" just means they started something sexual with someone. That can be anything from kissing to full sexual intercourse. It is a common phrase.

Maybe it's not a well known phrase for the younger generations! I'm 50 and when I was young we used it all the time. It basically meant snogging, groping etc. It wasn't used for full sex.

I'm in my mid 30s and for my peers it's pretty much always meant snogging someone, not shagging.

I think of all the reasons someone bans someone else from their house, cheating is a pretty good one. My 20 year old has been banned from their boyfriends house for the transgression of him inviting them to his birthday dinner with his family without checking that was ok with his mother. Not anything my own kid did wrong, and they had no idea it wasn’t an officially sanctioned invite. I think the bitch mother was just looking for an excuse as she doesn’t think my kid is good enough for her son. But do I get involved? No. It’s her choice if she wants to destroy her relationship with her son over something so trivial.

Does the dad know she also cheated? Maybe his daughter hasn’t told him out of embarrassment so sees her as the victim in it

Parents pay the mortgage, their house means their rules. Children aren't equals in authority. My teenagers have to ask permission for who they want over. There's some sketchy characters they know, and I wouldn't have them in my home.

He's allowed his opinion, he doesn't have to conform with your tolerance of cheating and he's allowed to think the relationship is a waste of time and they're not suited to be together ... it may be proven wrong but their relationship has certainly started on a very negative note. I think you're being unreasonable - their relationship and how her father feels is absolutely none of your business.

Writing a letter would be unhinged. Their behaviour is nothing to do with you.

Your son and his girlfriend are learning an important lesson, which is that when you treat people badly in a relationship, even if you later reconcile, you might already have burned your bridges with friends and family. The girlfriend’s parents may be hypocritical and unreasonable but they’re entitled to decide they aren’t welcoming back into their home a boyfriend who cheated on their daughter. They don’t have to be forgiving just because their daughter is, and they don’t have to treat them both the same just because they both cheated; of course they’re more forgiving of and sympathetic towards their daughter, even knowing she did wrong too.

Just move on and stop fretting about the dad’s behaviour. You’re in control with your choices and are happy with them. His choices are none of your business and not for you to comment on.

I'd certainly stay out of any of that relationship drama for young people. it's their life.

of course it depends on what "getting off" means. if my DS had a kiss, or fumble, or PIV, with one or many people. it's all cheating, but different degrees.

based on what op said, i expect the young adults just kissed someone else, silly, but those things happen at that age

thanks the clarifications on "getting off", a few different interpretations.

op, it's also possible that you and the other man may have heard very different stories and details. for example, your DD may have shagged another(s), and the BF may have only had a drunken kiss, both are very different!! in that case I'd be very wary of your DD

(of course it might be the other way around too!)