To think my son’s girlfriend’s dad is vile?

[SallyMcCarthy]

My son and his gf are both 20 and have been together on and off for four years. During that time, they have split up twice. On both occasions, the split happened because they both got drunk, got off with other people, and didn’t tell each other. In other words, there was cheating on both sides.

They always end up getting back together, because fundamentally they love each other and are extremely well suited, prefer each other to anybody else, and have a great time together.

Most recently, they got back together in October, decided that their previous transgressions were a sign that they were just young and not quite ready - but now they are older they want to make a proper commitment to each other, be faithful and stay together.

My view is: who knows whether that will work or not, but I’m certainly rooting for them and I hope they’re very happy together. My son’s girlfriend’s fathers view, however, is that my son is ‘a cheating weasel’ - and so between October and now, my son has not been allowed in his house (where the girlfriend lives). This means that my son and his girlfriend spend most of their time in my house, where they are both absolutely welcome. I cook the girlfriend endless meals, look after her when she’s ill, take her out for dinner when the whole family is going out. My attitude is that anyone my children love is welcome in home (within reason, obviously – I wouldn’t welcome a serial killer!!) and if my son holds no grudge for previous cheating (which would be a bit rich since he did the same!) then I certainly don’t either. It’s his home too and therefore up to him.

I honestly cannot understand how his girlfriend’s dad isn’t totally ashamed of himself, maintaining this position of not allowing my son in his house, when he knows we’ve welcomed his daughter back with open arms. I also cannot understand how the girlfriend’s mother can go along with this terrible policy. I’ve decided that if my son and his girlfriend ever split up, I’m going to write her parents a letter and tell them exactly what I think of them. I’ve also decided that neither her father or her mother are welcome in my house - not that this should ever be an issue!

Am I being unreasonable or is their behaviour abhorrent?

I would put money on them not being together in 5 years.

You do seem weirdly invested in making this relationship work OP very few couples last the course if they got together so young, cheating involved or not.
Maybe they don’t like your son ( regardless of the cheating) maybe her parents just think it’s not a great relationship for their daughter to be in ( given all the drama) and hope it fizzles out and just don’t feel the need to facilitate it.
I have adult sons, sometimes I have especially liked the woman they were going out with, and quite missed one in particular, but I never got involved to the extent you seem to be

You have no idea what she has told her dad about the previous breakups, or indeed their relationship in general.

There's his side, her side and somewhere is the middle lies the truth. You and the gfs' dad have likely been given the story from very different 'sides'. Perhaps he thinks he is entirely reasonable to ban your son from his home!

Did you always want a daughter, @SallyMcCarthy ? Because I’m struggling to see why you are so over-invested otherwise.

No, I wouldn’t have my son’s daughter practically living with me. If she’s ill she should go home to bed.

I wouldn’t cook for her more than once a week, I’m not running a free hotel. To be frank, I’d expect my son to knock up a meal for the pair of them if they were here. Each of my young adult children cook for their friends. They are welcome to cook and clean up after themselves

They aren’t living together. They are dating. She’s not part of your family, she’s your son’s on-off girlfriend. Stop being so enmeshed.

What happens when they next cheat on each other? And you’ve practically adopted her? Don’t you think you’ll have made a clean break more difficult?

Our children’s boyfriends and girlfriends can be lovely or awful - usually somewhere in between. I respect my children by not getting involved in their love lives, being here when they need me and trying to give them space when they don’t.

All four of you parents seem very over invested in a relationship between adults that’s none of your business op. They are also 20 and the likelihood of them staying together (cheating history or not) is pretty low. If you are happy to have your son’s gf in your house, fine, if not, also fine. What her parents do is none of your concern.

I think the advice to remove yourself emotionally from your son’s relationship is sensible. Who knows why people do what they do. The choices you make are not the choices I might and vice versa. Ultimately her dad is entitled to allow whoever he wants into his own home, and your opinion is of no consequence. This is wasted anger and over investment. Maybe try and find something in your own life to improve instead of dwelling on this, which really doesn’t have anything to do with you.

You all seem overly involved. Why on earth would they apologise for their daughter, it was her who cheated.

Let your DS get on with his life, of course be supportive, and welcoming to his friends but try to step back a bit.

I am very close to my DD ( 27). I remember her first intense relationship as a teenager. It ended predictably, as this may well do, so don’t get overinvested. My DD ended a long term relationship last year, I am still good friends with her lovely ex ( she is still in touch ), but I kept out of the relationship, and the split other than offering a listening ear if asked or practical support.

Get a grip and stay out of it. They are young adults, not 8. And her father is entitled to feel however he likes, especially when it comes to his daughter.
Maybe your son has behaved more poorly than you know.

Urgh, you're proper giving me the ick.

Is your life so devoid of anything going on that you're so over invested in this?

You need a hobby. Big time.

This. It’s bananas.

The relationship sounds like a car crash he’s probably pissed off with the drama and wants nothing to do with it

It doesn't matter what any of us would do, or what you would do. It's her parents' choice and they've chosen not to allow your son into their house.

As others have said you need to step well back and keep out of it all.

They might end up lasting years, they also might end up splitting (previous behaviour to date suggests this is more likely) Lets just hope no babies arrive until they are very well established and older/wiser

I can imagine some scenarios where I would, yes.

If the previous cheating had seriously harmed my child mentally then I'd recommend they didn't get back with their BF/GF - just like if drink/drugs or extreme sport had harmed my child physically I'd recommend they didn't repeat it.

And just like those things, if they decided to ignore my recommendation, I'd have the attitude of "well, you're an adult so that's your decision, but don't expect me to have any part in you harming yourself" and that could extend to not allowing the BF/GF in my house.

However I don't know if what your son's GF's father is doing is because of the above.

To be honest I think it would be best for both your son and his girlfriend to call it a day. Can a relationship really ever recover from all this drama and hurt? Generally speaking I think something that is on and off multiple times and involves other people and now ongoing family issues is just going to be a recipe for disaster either now or in years to come.
There are plenty more fish in the sea.

They have been together for years, but are just 20.
I can understand why they have both cheated because essentially they are young and finding their way in life.
It’s not ideal but it does happen.
While this girl is welcome in your home, I don’t think you are doing them any favours having her there constantly and treating her like another family member. At 20, they should be starting to find their own way in life. I know they can’t exactly move out in the current climate, but she actually needs to go home more and spend some time with her own family and friends.
I know her dad seems like he is being unfair but some dads can be very precious in these circumstances. The boy is the vile cheater, and his girl is still a princess.
While your warmth and care are admirable, and your son won’t thank you for it, his girlfriend needs to go home a bit more because how they are living is unhealthy for both of them.

I completely disagree with sending a letter 😂

You say that the dad knows that they both cheated so presumably he doesn’t want to encourage the on again/off again drama. You don’t have to be the person cheated on to struggle with living with your broken hearted child. On-off relationships are exhausting for the other people who live with the couple and it wouldn’t surprise me if dad is hoping that the relationship drama ends sooner rather than later.

I completely disagree that the couple are well suited and love each other blah blah blah. They are young and working out who they are and what they want from life and partners. Most people aren’t with the same person that they were with when they were teens because people change and meet new people all the time yet you seem to be over invested in proving dad wrong and making them Romeo and Juliet. Calm down- what will be will be.

If you enjoy having his gf round then good for you but it doesn’t mean that dad is vile for not wanting ds round too. You’re looking for drama where there doesn’t need to be any.

@SallyMcCarthy seriously? You would write them a letter if they ever break up? And then what happens if they get back together again? I don't think your son would thank you for writing that letter - don't do it.

Is it possible that there is more to this than you know about which have upset the other parents? Any pregnancies that you haven't been told about?

Tread lightly OP - if they are serious then you are posting about the potential grandparents for your future grandchildren here.

There could be all sorts of reasons why they don’t want your son in their home.

Have you actually heard this directly from the parents? Do you even know if it’s true? It might just a be a line from the girlfriend to get more sympathy and be allowed to stay at yours more!

I’d stay well out of it all regardless. They are adults and need to learn to manage their own lives.

I wouldn’t entertain let alone support a relationship where one of or both have cheated so the partner would not be welcome in my house. The letter is a ridiculous idea and me and my friends would have a lot of laughs at your expense.

The relationship between these two young people is toxic and won't last.

The op for some reason wants to push them together and is even bobbing and curtsying around the girlfriend to try and make her stay with her son!

The girlfriends father sees through all this immature crap and quite rightly won't facilitate the relationship under his roof.

The son in all this sounds like a 'Timothy' character.

I think it's one thing supporting them
But what would you hope to achieve by writing s letter to her parents if they ever split up ?
Chances are they probably will split up for good at one point.

I’m going to write her parents a letter and tell them exactly what I think of them. I’ve also decided that neither her father or her mother are welcome in my house - not that this should ever be an issue!

Calm doon, hen.

It's very likely that the girlfriend's parents are unaware SHE cheated.

In fact, how do YOU know she cheated? Did she sit in your house and admit to you that she cheated on your son? Because, if not, you only have your son's word for it.

@Butchyrestingface OP wrote that the woman's parents apologised for her cheating 😄 over involved parents fanning the drama and getting weirdly involved in adults dating life.

You’re soooo over involved and so are her parents. I’m actually really surprised he’s told you all the ins and outs regarding cheating etc. I’m not sure I ever told my parents stuff in so much detail!
I’d just keep out of it! And encourage my DS to find his own place if his gf is around you’re so much she’s there when she’s ill!