To think my son’s girlfriend’s dad is vile?

[SallyMcCarthy]

My son and his gf are both 20 and have been together on and off for four years. During that time, they have split up twice. On both occasions, the split happened because they both got drunk, got off with other people, and didn’t tell each other. In other words, there was cheating on both sides.

They always end up getting back together, because fundamentally they love each other and are extremely well suited, prefer each other to anybody else, and have a great time together.

Most recently, they got back together in October, decided that their previous transgressions were a sign that they were just young and not quite ready - but now they are older they want to make a proper commitment to each other, be faithful and stay together.

My view is: who knows whether that will work or not, but I’m certainly rooting for them and I hope they’re very happy together. My son’s girlfriend’s fathers view, however, is that my son is ‘a cheating weasel’ - and so between October and now, my son has not been allowed in his house (where the girlfriend lives). This means that my son and his girlfriend spend most of their time in my house, where they are both absolutely welcome. I cook the girlfriend endless meals, look after her when she’s ill, take her out for dinner when the whole family is going out. My attitude is that anyone my children love is welcome in home (within reason, obviously – I wouldn’t welcome a serial killer!!) and if my son holds no grudge for previous cheating (which would be a bit rich since he did the same!) then I certainly don’t either. It’s his home too and therefore up to him.

I honestly cannot understand how his girlfriend’s dad isn’t totally ashamed of himself, maintaining this position of not allowing my son in his house, when he knows we’ve welcomed his daughter back with open arms. I also cannot understand how the girlfriend’s mother can go along with this terrible policy. I’ve decided that if my son and his girlfriend ever split up, I’m going to write her parents a letter and tell them exactly what I think of them. I’ve also decided that neither her father or her mother are welcome in my house - not that this should ever be an issue!

Am I being unreasonable or is their behaviour abhorrent?

I’ve also decided that neither her father or her mother are welcome in my house - not that this should ever be an issue!

I think this is fair enough. If they exclude your son why should you include them?

This means that my son and his girlfriend spend most of their time in my house, where they are both absolutely welcome. I cook the girlfriend endless meals, look after her when she’s ill, take her out for dinner when the whole family is going out.

You’re doing too much. They are adults, they should take care of themselves and each other. Take a massive step back and put in place boundaries, where she can only stay over 1 night a week.

You are being unreasonable and your behaviour is abhorrent
Her father clearly has strong views about fidelity, honesty, emotional maturity...
Just because you do not share them, doesn't give you the right to call them 'vile'

they both apologised to my son for her cheating when it happened.

Oh GOD. Why are all the adults in this situation so over-involved in a teenage romance?!

They shouldn’t have written to him or banned her from the union but why did he think the university was responsible for safeguarding an adult at a club?

You are way too involved. Your son is a cheating weasel but so is their daughter. This relationship isn't likely to go anywhere in the real world.

You don’t think he’s a hypocrite for only calling his girlfriend’s boyfriend a ‘cheating weasel’ and not his daughter?

I’d say his hypocrisy is abhorrent and no way should he be welcome in OP’s house.

You're far too involved in their business.

And if her dad doesn't want your son in his home, that's entirely his prerogative 🤷‍♀️

💯

It is up to the GF to deal with and no one else. She needs to have an adult conversation with her parents about this and not you. They are protecting their dd and if they are mature then this is their mess to fix. Step back.

I dont understand whats wrong with cooking meals? When my son and GF are here I cook for them, she even asks my son if im cooking tonight i dont understand the problem?

Also if she's ill while she's here, i'll get her tablets, hot water bottle, i've even been known to make soup for her.

Why is caring for your children and their partners being over-involved?

I dont understand the mentality that once they turn 18 that you shouldnt be involved in their lives.

Regardless of my own child's behaviour, I would not be happy with them being with a cheater.

Tbh it sounds like the two of them need to part, explore the world a bit, and grow up before committing to anyone.

YABU

i think you have an idealistic view of the world. You’re treating her like she’s your own daughter which is sweet - but truthfully most parents don’t treat another person’s child as their own. They hold their own children in a higher regard. Her parents feel your son messed her around, broke her heart etc and are just looking out for her. It’s probably different because of the genders involved as well.

I mean surely you can see that they have had a messy relationship to date, her parents don’t see your son as life partner material. They did welcome him, at one point.

It sounds more like they don’t support the relationship not just because your son cheated especially as they know their daughter also cheated in the relationship. I wouldn’t support such a relationship either sounds very negative even if they were young when they got together. I would be polite and allow them in my house but that would be it.

I would take a step back as you are way too involved. As for the letter don’t embarrass yourself, it’s also shows you are doubtful the relationship will go all the way if you already plan to write a letter when they break up so unsure why you are being so involved.

I had a similar situation last year. Let the youngsters work it out for themselves and in no uncertain terms DO NOT contact the parents.

they both apologised to my son for her cheating when it happened.

😂😂😂 are you joking?!?

I really can't imagine a what 50 yr old man saying 'I'm so sorry (adult) Tom that (adult) Barbara cheated on you.'

It's nothing to do with any of you, they're adults!!

You are far far too over involved. So rather than worry and dwell on what the father should or shouldn't be doing, I would fill my time, whether it's a hobby, more work or whatever. You possibly have too much time on your hands, are sad that your son has grown up, and need to get started on the transition.

How old are they? They should be able to cook for themselves instead of asking you if you’re cooking.

It isn't the cooking that's the problem. It's the handwringing and overthinking about what the father is doing.

'I cook the girlfriend endless meals, look after her when she’s ill, take her out for dinner when the whole family is going out. '

Either you're controlling and domineering or she's a user. Or a bit of both.

The drunken cheating is worrying ? Don’t you think ? You have brushed over it but I’d be encouraging my child to get counselling if they were drinking do much and cheating it’s very disordered behaviour they are 20 not 15

obviously as you agreed writing a letter is utterly pointless especially if they get back together and then get married!!

bit weird they apologised for their daughters cheating ick! I would find it hard to welcome a cheater into my home and I’d certainly not be pandering to them as you are !
is it possible you are competing for mil of the year ?

The dad does sound horrible and very controlling, OP.

No wonder your son's girlfriend prefers to spend time at your house.

Even if your son had been the only one who cheated, not allowing him into her home is bizarre behaviour.

He doesn't have to love your son being there, or go OTT with hospitality, but he should certainly be civil.

As a parent, we don't have to like all the choices our children make, but we should support their right to make them. I'd wager he's a bit of an arse in general.

That said - nothing you can or should do differently,
They are 20. Young young young. Lots of adventures ahead, hopefully. I would continue being kind, and leave them to it.

Her parents apologised to you for their teenager cheating on your son? 😆
You're acting as nursemaid and servant to 2 adults?
Stop this ridiculousness. You need to find better ways to occupy your time.

@Choccyscofffy it's in the very first sentence of the original post.

YABU. The father is taking a firm line against what is clearly a toxic relationship. I agree with him.

There's no need for you to have a relationship with the gf parents until they potentially get married. It may be upsetting that they seem to be against your son but I reckon being the parents that a couple has the better relationship with is much more rewarding so ultimately you win. Try to let go of your anger towards this dad and be pleased you have a good relationship with both your son and his girlfriend!