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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my friendship inappropriate?

495 replies

Rosegarden47 · 04/01/2025 16:21

I (25f) have been married to my husband (28m) for five years.

I have a close friend, Ashley, who happens to be male. We’ve been best friends since we were about 14. Our relationship has never been romantic. However when we were 17 and both going through rough breakups, got drunk and had sex. Unluckily that one occasion lead to a very traumatic miscarriage. We agreed to never speak of it again, carried on our friendship as before and both started relationships with our now spouses. He’s now married with kid.

When my husband and I were going through fertility issues, at appointments my pregnancy history obviously came up and he learned about the miscarriage. I was completely honest with him and he didn’t hold any grudges over drunken teenage stupidity.

When we got married I moved to my husband’s hometown, so I don’t have many friends locally. Unfortunately since the birth of our daughter 19 months ago, my relationship with my husband has changed, mostly for the worst. I usually see Ashley on average a couple of times a year (though we talk/text regularly), if I’m visiting my family in my hometown. However Ashley has happened to have been visiting my area twice this month, and we’ve met up. Both times my husband was at work. Ashley and I had our kids with us. After the second time my husband, egged on my my FIL, has decided that Ashley is trying to take me away from him. He said he’s not happy with me being friends with someone with our history, I’m not allowed to see him again, possibly with the exception of my husband being present at all times.

I’m not accusing anyone of being an asshole, I know this situation is entirely my fault. I know my husband is insecure and struggling to adapt to being a dad, and I can see where this jealousy has come from his point of view. But I am upset. I know my husband’s jealousy is only going to get worse and it will end with him demanding me to cut Ashley off and that breaks my heart. Ashley has been my rock for 11 years and there’s nothing inappropriate between us. Despite that.. I’m struggling to know if I have I been completely unreasonable expecting my husband to be okay with my friendship with Ashley? Is it inappropriate no matter what because of that one time seven years ago?

I feel ashamed to admit it but I’m scared if my husband demands to go through my phone.. there’s been a few occasions where he has overstepped the line in arguments and Ashley is the only person I can talk to about it. If my husband finds out I told anyone, especially Ashley, I dread to think how he would react

OP posts:
LunaNorth · 04/01/2025 16:24

Your husband is being a controlling dickhead.

Bobbing46 · 04/01/2025 16:29

My best friend is male. We dated a few weeks in our teens. In the last 30 years, we have never been anything more than great friends. We have supported each other through the best and worst of times. If my H told me that I couldn't see him anymore, I would be very clear that he doesn't get to choose my friends or how I interact with them. Your H insecurities is his problem. He needs to work on that instead of trying to control you.

Didimum · 04/01/2025 16:33

I don’t think your husband’s insecurities are necessarily his problem if you have been prioritising your friendship with Ashley over your marriage. I would not appreciate finding out about a pregnancy with a friend out the blue during fertility issues either.

glittertime · 04/01/2025 16:42

How would you feel op if this was him with a woman.
You would not be happy either.
It does sound like you do and have been putting friendship before your own marriage.

2024onwardsandup · 04/01/2025 16:45

Sounds like Ashley is like a brother figure (teenage accident being just that)

Your husband is being controlling. I would not tolerate being told who o could be friends with

KimberleyClark · 04/01/2025 16:46

Would you be happy about your husband being close friends with a woman he’d got pregnant as a teenager?

ThinWomansBrain · 04/01/2025 16:47

he is being ridiculous - and controlling

Original poster
Rosegarden47 · 04/01/2025 16:48

Didimum · 04/01/2025 16:33

I don’t think your husband’s insecurities are necessarily his problem if you have been prioritising your friendship with Ashley over your marriage. I would not appreciate finding out about a pregnancy with a friend out the blue during fertility issues either.

I’ve never prioritised the friendship over my marriage

OP posts:
SnoopysHoose · 04/01/2025 16:49

Overstepped the line in argument? has he got you?

Gymrabbit · 04/01/2025 16:50

Yabu I think.
and I can guarantee that if you were saying that your husband liked to hang out with a woman he had previously got pregnant and that he clearly had strong feelings with her (though saying they were platonic) the vipers here would be telling you he wa definitely having at least an emotional affair and that you should stop him seeing her…..

Mastekimusters · 04/01/2025 16:53

Shouldn't your husband be your rock?

1dontunderstand · 04/01/2025 16:54

What has your husband done to overstep the mark?

PrincessOfPreschool · 04/01/2025 16:54

SnoopysHoose · 04/01/2025 16:49

Overstepped the line in argument? has he got you?

Exactly the phrase which got me.

What kind of overstepping? You need to deal with that urgently regardless of any Ashley.

I can understand that you're friendship with Ashley must be quite deep considering what you've been through and the history of a shared, traumatic miscarriage. I think my (also insecure) husband would struggle with that. He may even try and dictate I don't see him, but that would not be happening.

If you refuse to follow your husband's orders, what happens?

Also, is FIL a violent prick?

Gem359 · 04/01/2025 16:55

How has he over stepped OP? How has your relationship changed for the worse?

This is a friendship you had since a kid. I think you have to prioritise your marriage - unless he has been violent or abusive - but there needs to be room to compromise. So can you agree to only see your friend with your husband around?

I'm not sure though if this marriage is even worth keeping. It sounds like you're quite unhappy and he's not very nice.

TheGoddessFreyja · 04/01/2025 16:56

KimberleyClark · 04/01/2025 16:46

Would you be happy about your husband being close friends with a woman he’d got pregnant as a teenager?

Edited

@KimberleyClark Exactly this. if shoe was on the other foot and hubby had got close female friend pregnant and was still super close i dont think OP would be too thrilled...

GabriellaMontez · 04/01/2025 16:57

I was going to say yabu.

Then I saw a few things that complicated this. For eg

Unfortunately since the birth of our daughter 19 months ago, my relationship with my husband has changed, mostly for the worst.

In what way? What else has changed?

pizzaHeart · 04/01/2025 17:00

Your mistake was to say that your sex was with Ashley. You should have said that it was drunken one night stand ( and it was) and leave it there. I also would remove all texts and won’t txt Ashley about your DH again, txts do look a bit “heavier” . Mentioning in a conversation is different. I don’t think you should stop seeing Ashley altogether but I can see your DH’s pov, it feels a bit like Ashley is your main/ only friend and both of you do a particular effort to see each other. And this sends a very wrong message to your DH so maybe you should see Ashley less.

Personally I’m very reluctant to believe in friendship of this sort (and your one night sex actually proves my point). I know I’d crucified for this on MN but I wouldn’t like my DH to continue friendship in this circumstances so I wouldn’t do it myself as well.

Cindersilly · 04/01/2025 17:02

My best friend is also male (though we have never had sex! The thought of that makes me feel nauseous). Now that we’re both married with children - we have to reinforce the boundaries as to not hurt our spouses. Which is completely understandable.

If you aren’t comfortable with the contents of your conversation then you need to reevaluate the whole situation as it’s unsustainable for all of you.

theallotmentqueen · 04/01/2025 17:05

Your husband is being horrible and ridiculous. You were a teenager, you were both very drunk, these things happen. It's creepy and weird that he's so obsessed with something that happened so long ago. Honestly, I would understand and sympathise with your husband just feeling jealous as its an unfortunate but understandable emotion, but for it to cross into him preventing you from seeing your best friend is really controlling and awful. If I was in your husband's situation honestly I would also feel jealous, but being a grown adult I would recognise that these were my emotions to deal with, not yours.

Ultimately, either your husband trusts you to be faithful or he doesn't. If he doesn't have cause to think you're being unfaithful then he's putting you into an unfair situation, as he has no evidence to suggest that you aren't telling him the truth (that you don't have feelings for Ashley). If you have given your husband cause to think you're being unfaithful (e.g. seeing Ashley more than you see your husband), then your husband's position makes a lot more sense.

It's also weird to me that it seems like he's told his Dad about this (?) which is another red flag to me. You getting with Ashley is your own private business and actually sounds like a really sad story, given that it ended in miscarriage. Tell your husband not only to stop controlling you, but also to stop telling other people your personal business.

Didimum · 04/01/2025 17:09

Rosegarden47 · 04/01/2025 16:48

I’ve never prioritised the friendship over my marriage

Show quote history

Does your husband feel that way?

Dotto · 04/01/2025 17:09

Red flags all over the place, about your husband. He has no right to tell you what to do or who you can see. You are scared of him and he enjoys having this control over you.

Abusive men tend to only get worse, I'm afraid.

Dotto · 04/01/2025 17:10

Didimum · 04/01/2025 16:33

I don’t think your husband’s insecurities are necessarily his problem if you have been prioritising your friendship with Ashley over your marriage. I would not appreciate finding out about a pregnancy with a friend out the blue during fertility issues either.

Past sexual encounters are absolutely none of the husband's business.

justthatreallyagain · 04/01/2025 17:10

Regardless of what happened when you were teens if you think your recent texts to this man are over stepping boundaries than maybe they are!!

Dotto · 04/01/2025 17:13

justthatreallyagain · 04/01/2025 17:10

Regardless of what happened when you were teens if you think your recent texts to this man are over stepping boundaries than maybe they are!!

I think you misunderstood the OP. She has been confiding in Ashley (as her only friend) when her husband has been overstepping during arguments.

Original poster
Rosegarden47 · 04/01/2025 17:13

Didimum · 04/01/2025 17:09

Does your husband feel that way?

Show quote history

No, that’s not really the issue. He thinks Ashley is trying to instigate an affair. His words were “I know what all men want”.

OP posts:
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