Is my friendship inappropriate?

[Rosegarden47]

I (25f) have been married to my husband (28m) for five years.

I have a close friend, Ashley, who happens to be male. We’ve been best friends since we were about 14. Our relationship has never been romantic. However when we were 17 and both going through rough breakups, got drunk and had sex. Unluckily that one occasion lead to a very traumatic miscarriage. We agreed to never speak of it again, carried on our friendship as before and both started relationships with our now spouses. He’s now married with kid.

When my husband and I were going through fertility issues, at appointments my pregnancy history obviously came up and he learned about the miscarriage. I was completely honest with him and he didn’t hold any grudges over drunken teenage stupidity.

When we got married I moved to my husband’s hometown, so I don’t have many friends locally. Unfortunately since the birth of our daughter 19 months ago, my relationship with my husband has changed, mostly for the worst. I usually see Ashley on average a couple of times a year (though we talk/text regularly), if I’m visiting my family in my hometown. However Ashley has happened to have been visiting my area twice this month, and we’ve met up. Both times my husband was at work. Ashley and I had our kids with us. After the second time my husband, egged on my my FIL, has decided that Ashley is trying to take me away from him. He said he’s not happy with me being friends with someone with our history, I’m not allowed to see him again, possibly with the exception of my husband being present at all times.

I’m not accusing anyone of being an asshole, I know this situation is entirely my fault. I know my husband is insecure and struggling to adapt to being a dad, and I can see where this jealousy has come from his point of view. But I am upset. I know my husband’s jealousy is only going to get worse and it will end with him demanding me to cut Ashley off and that breaks my heart. Ashley has been my rock for 11 years and there’s nothing inappropriate between us. Despite that.. I’m struggling to know if I have I been completely unreasonable expecting my husband to be okay with my friendship with Ashley? Is it inappropriate no matter what because of that one time seven years ago?

I feel ashamed to admit it but I’m scared if my husband demands to go through my phone.. there’s been a few occasions where he has overstepped the line in arguments and Ashley is the only person I can talk to about it. If my husband finds out I told anyone, especially Ashley, I dread to think how he would react

Of course, anyone who disagrees with you or understands the emotions someone goes through when they are essentially replaced in a relationship must be a narcissist.

In actual fact it is narcissistic to triangulate, which OP is doing with another man. If she’s told her husband her true feelings about Ashley as her rock, this is very upsetting, if she hasn’t then he’s picked up on it no doubt. Narcissism is also needing sources of supply to gain sympathy and attention from, and OP doesn’t care less that he has a wife who he should be putting first. Does she have no girlfriend she can talk to? Narcissist women often don’t get the same level of satisfaction from friends that are of the gender they are not attracted to. Her husband is abusive and she should not allow herself to remain in this situation, but she should leave Ashley to his family, and go to a counsellor of find another confidante. She also seems very emotionally immature in that she hasn’t considered the feelings of others in this situation one bit, it’s all about what makes her feel good and supported. She’s made a series of bad decisions, staying with her husband and using another woman’s husband as his emotional fill in

I always spin such questions the other way around. So how would you feel if he was confiding in a female friend about your relationship? Furthermore a female that had miscarried his child. I know to some it might seem controlling but if your husband feels negatively about the friendship surely you should take his feelings into account?
By all accounts he hasn't said to cut him off but rather to not have contact just the two of you.

However I do wonder if there is more to this. Having a baby can put a strain on a relationship regardless of your friendship. Maybe he is feeling stressed and possibly unloved. Perhaps spend some time with your husband and get to know how he is feeling about everything. I would avoid telling your male friends everything that goes on in your relationship. You must have a parent, relative that you ca confidential in instead.

I'm am also completely shocked after reading your comments in his defence, that it is THIS bad. Your initial question may not have been about the abuse, but it should be!

If my husband did even ONE of the things you described once I'd be gone, I'm actually so scared for you.

You say you don't want to leave because you would lose your home, but if you stay you might lose your life.

Read this post back and imagine it was your daughter describing her future relationship... what would you tell her?

@Rosegarden47 this sounds like the start of control and isolating .
Funny he didn’t have a problem before you were trapped with a baby and moved to his family.
The amount of excuses for your dh and the blame on yourself is so wrong .

What else has he stepped out of line with ?
Do you what out the relationship OP?

Id delete the chat with Ashley and I would not cut this forms out my life as I have a sad feeling you are going to need his support.

This is all kinds of home wrecking wrong!

also, if Ashley is there on business, why does he have his kid with him? Honestly if my DH had taken my baby out to meet up with an ex shag there’s no way I’d be able to trust him. It’s not always about the sexual.

Also, if the shoe were on the other foot, would you be happy if an ex of your husbands ran to him every time she’d had a barney??

This is what I was looking to say. .
So Counseling to help but only if you are too sacred to say anything real.

This man is a classic abuser .
@Rosegarden47 please leave .
This isn’t you.

There is quite a lot more to it - have you read the full DV context? (A few people have missed it because of the length of the thread.)

Have to say.. if the tables were turned and he was friends with a lady he got pregnant and she lost it.. and he took your child to meet her while you were at work, and told her all about your personal arguments.. I don’t think you would over the moon… I personally don’t think there’s a problem that you have a male friend.. but this is quite a deep relationship you both once had, and I feel judging by your wording.. you feel more for him than you’re letting on…

I have loads of male friends going back decades. Some friendships have crossed the line, some were actual BFs that stayed friends. Since being married I’ve seen all of them and my DH has no issue because he trusts me.
What you have described is a controlling and potentially violent husband who does not trust you.
You both need to seek couples counselling and he needs to make you feel safe. This is not an issue of Ashley and you, it is your husband being a thug. Get help and do it soon. For your safety and your baby.

My best friends before getting married were both male and despite my attempts to get them to all be friends - my now ex husband refused and for a period of time I didn’t see them.
They were only ever friends but I got told that ‘he knew what men wanted’. When my marriage fell apart - they were both there for me and both tried to help meditate between my ex husband and I.
Unfortunately once someone has got it into their head that there might be more - true or not - it doesn’t go away.
Good luck

Nobody has missed it and plenty have offered support and comfort, but they are answering her original question on the post which is “ Is this friendship innapropriate”, something she should already know, because if her husband ran to another woman when they were having issues and called her his rock, and once shagged her and got her pregnant, I’m sure she would have total clarity on the inappropriateness of it.

And I’m pretty sure her husband feel the same, that his wife is in love with another man, relies more on another man, as many of us here can see it just from one thread.

original question: Is this friendship innapropriate
answer: Yes

other stuff is going on that you need to tackle, but it doesn’t change the answer to the question that you posted here asking.

How about you let Gertie answer it instead of talking over top of their convo?

That’s interesting, I thought you were like the other posters who apologised and changed tack after saying they’d missed it.

We have different takes on it. In my view, the husband’s pressure to end the friendship is unreasonable, because it appears to be motivated by a desire to cover up his abuse and cut her off from her support network. Remember he has remained friends with exes so doesn’t seem to object to the general principle.

If I’ve understood rightly, you think his request to cut herself off from the friendship is fair, even with the abuse motivation, and her apparent need for a support network. I can’t agree with that I’m afraid. I have posted my concerns because I think those views are likely to make OP think the abuse is her fault, resulting in her staying in a dangerous situation. I’m sorry if I’ve misunderstood.

Yes all of this.

It’s not about the husbands demand he cut him off….its about her question “is it inappropriate”, and the answer is YES. She shouldn’t need her husband to be upset about it to know it’s inappropriate, and causes pain. Her “support network” shouldn’t be a married man. That’s common sense. The abuse isn’t being ignored, the main question is being answered. The abuse doesn’t nullify the original question, her inappropriate behaviour is hers, her husbands inappropriate behaviour is his. The abuse doesn’t nullify the inappropriateness of her relationship with Ashley,

Putting your friendship/history/contact with Ashley on one side for a moment, it is the rest of this situation which feels rather troubling. It sounds like you've moved away from your own home area? Perhaps to your DH's home territory? as his DF seems to be sticking his oar in somewhat.

You married very young, you are still young. Do not let yourself be isolated by a controlling spouse. Be strong and determined about maintaining other reliable friends & contacts in your life. If you don't have new friends on hand in your new setting, then consider finding some low-cost counselling so you have someone safe to talk to.
Do not allow yourself to be cut off from friends and family.

You might think about opening a separate, private bank account, which you keep severely to yourself & feed small amounts into whenever you can. I HOPE I'm being over-dramatic. But, in time, you may need a "running away fund". Good luck.

I’d think about how you would feel if the situation was reversed.

althoigh I have also argued to my husband that a male friend I had years ago was platonic it caused a bit of an issue for us at the time - which on reflection I can now see why

Google Matt rife - her male best friend - it’s quite funny x

Thank you for explaining. If OP asked if she should go ahead and end this friendship (given this is AIBU), what would your advice to her be?

Leave. Please. What you’re describing is called subversive physical abuse. There is also clearly coercive control. I have been there. I have also made excuses like ‘but he never has punched me’, ‘it doesn’t happen very often’ and ‘he’s very loving most of the time’. Are you in fact married to my ex husband?? What you are experiencing is abuse. The fact that you have seen worse abuse means nothing. I cannot stress this enough. I know leaving is hard, especially with a child. I suspect you are probably also being gas-lit. I promise you, short term pain and disruption to your life is worth it. You are married to an abuser. Please talk to other friends and family and tell them everything you have written here. Tell your counsellor everything. Please. I wish someone had given this advice to me sooner.

Omg op, I've just read your replies. Are you seriously trying to excuse an abusive partner? Saying things like all those incidents didn't happen all at one, it makes it ok cause they were spaced out over a year? You said your husband cancels therapy sessions after yous have had an argument, no wonder when he's throwing u against walls, he doesn't want you telling the therapist that, he's controlling. He stops the car and tells you off if he doesn't like something you've said to the therapist. He's been abusive to your daughter. How far will you let this go?

What part of all that isn't abuse?

1. Delete the history.
2. I have an ex who's my best friend. We never been intimate since we broke up. I'm married with nearly 3 year old, he's single without children. He's my rock and my husband can not know that we are regularly in contact as he would not understand. (Must say here different nationality and upbringing that was very traditional for my husband). And I can not afford to lose my best friend, he was there for me when I was sorting documents for my husband and it would never happen without his help. So no, I can not give up on my best friend.

I think life is too short for this kind of stuff.

Ashley sounds like a great friend and your husband married you knowing you had a male best friend.

You've been honest about your friendship and the one night stand you had as teenagers.

If Ashley tried it on with you while you were married, that would be a different situation.

But in my opinion, married people are allowed to have friends!

So Ashley wife has no say in whether she is happy with another woman calling her husband their rock. This is the part I don't get. Everyone who mentions they have a male best friend never seems to mention how the wife feels about it. I trust my DH implicitly but the idea of him cavorting about with a female best friend would not work in our relationship. In the vast majority of cases I believe this type of deep emotional bond with another woman despite it not being sexual would cause the wife to be understandably upset. If it was group friendship with all parties involved that would be different.

OP deserves all the support she can get & I hope it works out for the best.