Is my friendship inappropriate?

[Rosegarden47]

I (25f) have been married to my husband (28m) for five years.

I have a close friend, Ashley, who happens to be male. We’ve been best friends since we were about 14. Our relationship has never been romantic. However when we were 17 and both going through rough breakups, got drunk and had sex. Unluckily that one occasion lead to a very traumatic miscarriage. We agreed to never speak of it again, carried on our friendship as before and both started relationships with our now spouses. He’s now married with kid.

When my husband and I were going through fertility issues, at appointments my pregnancy history obviously came up and he learned about the miscarriage. I was completely honest with him and he didn’t hold any grudges over drunken teenage stupidity.

When we got married I moved to my husband’s hometown, so I don’t have many friends locally. Unfortunately since the birth of our daughter 19 months ago, my relationship with my husband has changed, mostly for the worst. I usually see Ashley on average a couple of times a year (though we talk/text regularly), if I’m visiting my family in my hometown. However Ashley has happened to have been visiting my area twice this month, and we’ve met up. Both times my husband was at work. Ashley and I had our kids with us. After the second time my husband, egged on my my FIL, has decided that Ashley is trying to take me away from him. He said he’s not happy with me being friends with someone with our history, I’m not allowed to see him again, possibly with the exception of my husband being present at all times.

I’m not accusing anyone of being an asshole, I know this situation is entirely my fault. I know my husband is insecure and struggling to adapt to being a dad, and I can see where this jealousy has come from his point of view. But I am upset. I know my husband’s jealousy is only going to get worse and it will end with him demanding me to cut Ashley off and that breaks my heart. Ashley has been my rock for 11 years and there’s nothing inappropriate between us. Despite that.. I’m struggling to know if I have I been completely unreasonable expecting my husband to be okay with my friendship with Ashley? Is it inappropriate no matter what because of that one time seven years ago?

I feel ashamed to admit it but I’m scared if my husband demands to go through my phone.. there’s been a few occasions where he has overstepped the line in arguments and Ashley is the only person I can talk to about it. If my husband finds out I told anyone, especially Ashley, I dread to think how he would react

Also OP you need more friends. If husband is successful and gets you to cut off your only friend then your support network becomes just your husband which is an ill advisable position to be in.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable here. You shouldn’t have to end a long-standing supportive friendship because your husband is being a twat. How very telling that he believes ‘all men’ just want to shag any woman they come into contact with/have a friendship with… not a good indication of HIS character, I would argue.

By using my reading comprehension skills babe

Hmmmm

This changes it for me I think.

Honestly , get rid of this abusive twat.

The rest of the story and who did what with who back in the day is just noise. Your husbands temper, controlling nature and pushing you around is the issue and he will only get worse

Sounds like a teenaged shag.

You can move past that into platonic friendship territory very easily.

You shouldn't have to, but delete the texts and change your passcode

Then you need to have a full and frank discussion about your husband's jealousy and what needs to happen to stop it (his side too)

Or it's that that will destroy your marriage

Revision

Don't bother. Leave him. You cannot trust him to not be violent or to stop being controlling

If your husband was still friends with a woman he got pregnant before you met, I’m sure you wouldn’t feel great about it. Tell him next time you would love him to come along so his mind can be put to ease.

The thing you should be focusing on is the fact you have said your husband has over stepped the mark before in arguments. In what way?

Tell him next time you would love him to come along so his mind can be put to ease

No he should not come along, OP doesn't need to placate this pathetic twat. She is not doing anything wrong and her husband is not the boss.

I don't think he is struggling with being a dad an insecure at all. Like many abusive men he has waited until he has you in the position where it's harder to leave (with a child) and you are now seeing the real him. A coercive abusive man.

"He’s gotten physically scary a few times, I don’t really want to go into it more as it hasn’t happened in a few months now and I’m hoping he’s leaned his lesson"

This is really concerning and you need to prioritise your safety OP. The fact that it hasn't happened in a while does not take away from the fact that it HAS happened. Your partner should NEVER be physically scary towards you. You also have a child to consider. There is a much bigger issue here than your friendship with Ashley, which of course is a completely acceptable friendship and I think you know this. What you really need to be considering is your future with a man who has been "physically scary" towards you. Please prioritise your safety and don't minimise this aspect of your partner's behaviour xx

This is a far bigger issue than any nonsense about Ashley. I think you know this, which is why you’ve been avoiding questions about how he ‘overstepped’ and ‘went too far’.

Abusers don’t ’learn lessons’, they escalate.

Leave him.

your language concerns me
you seem scared of your husband
that’s the bigger issue

What does "overstepped the line in arguments" mean?

Agreed.

He may not have been physically scary recently perhaps, but his actions and control re Ashley is still designed to be undermining, threatening and you still feel intimidated.

I had a long term partner who (towards the end) liked to smash in walls and furniture with his fists when discussions with me weren't going his way. He didn't last long after that.

It's not an equal partnership is it.

How/why has he changed since your daughter was born?

I have other friends, but none that I feel comfortable sharing everything with

You sound quite scared of your husband, which isn't right.

I can see both sides.

From your point of view there is no "relationship" between you and Ashley. You are good friends and he is the one you get your most emotional support from.

From your husbands point of view, he has found out something you never willingly told him, that you had sex with Ashley, so it's hard to put that completely to one side. I trust my DH, but I wouldn't be madly happy if I found out that he had slept with one of his female friends, it would put a different slant on the subject.

I would want to address what the issue is with your husband, why you feel he overstepped the mark and why you sound scared of him.

Regarding your friendship with Ashley, I would put it on the back burner for a while. Tell him things aren't great between you and DH and his jealousy of Ashley isn't helping. Tell him you ARE still friends, you still value your friendship, you aren't going to disappear anywhere but you have to try to sort things with DH. Maybe arrange to text each other again on May 1st (or any other random day).

Hmm. To not tell him about the miscarriage is clearly going to make him insecure. You’re in the wrong IMO.

I'm a bit wary of new close op sex friendships which develop during a marriage. But your friendship pre dates your marriage, your dh either trusts you or he doesn't. I wouldn't accept being told to give up a long standing friendship, it's not about which is more important because obviously your marriage is. It's the controlling factor, who has the right to dictate who you are friends with?

I'd be clear this ends, you chose your friends and dh either trusts you or you split. If you end the friendship you are allowing yourself to be controlled and if you allow dh to berate you and go through your phone you are saying this behaviour is acceptable

He found out about the miscarriage years ago, and didn’t have an issue with it at the time. It’s only recently, now I’ve seen Ashley a bit more than usual (because he happened to have business in my area) that it’s become an issue

I beg to differ. If this post was written by a woman worried about her husbands friendship with a woman he had got pregnant in the past all the replies would be saying he was out of order, cheating, disrespecting her and so on and that the OP should be able to go along and meet this woman.

why should it be any different just because the genders are reversed.

I think you need to read all of OP's posts carefully.

Because he has been physically scary towards her and she doesn't feel safe. That's the real issue here.