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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is my friendship inappropriate?

495 replies

Rosegarden47 · 04/01/2025 16:21

I (25f) have been married to my husband (28m) for five years.

I have a close friend, Ashley, who happens to be male. We’ve been best friends since we were about 14. Our relationship has never been romantic. However when we were 17 and both going through rough breakups, got drunk and had sex. Unluckily that one occasion lead to a very traumatic miscarriage. We agreed to never speak of it again, carried on our friendship as before and both started relationships with our now spouses. He’s now married with kid.

When my husband and I were going through fertility issues, at appointments my pregnancy history obviously came up and he learned about the miscarriage. I was completely honest with him and he didn’t hold any grudges over drunken teenage stupidity.

When we got married I moved to my husband’s hometown, so I don’t have many friends locally. Unfortunately since the birth of our daughter 19 months ago, my relationship with my husband has changed, mostly for the worst. I usually see Ashley on average a couple of times a year (though we talk/text regularly), if I’m visiting my family in my hometown. However Ashley has happened to have been visiting my area twice this month, and we’ve met up. Both times my husband was at work. Ashley and I had our kids with us. After the second time my husband, egged on my my FIL, has decided that Ashley is trying to take me away from him. He said he’s not happy with me being friends with someone with our history, I’m not allowed to see him again, possibly with the exception of my husband being present at all times.

I’m not accusing anyone of being an asshole, I know this situation is entirely my fault. I know my husband is insecure and struggling to adapt to being a dad, and I can see where this jealousy has come from his point of view. But I am upset. I know my husband’s jealousy is only going to get worse and it will end with him demanding me to cut Ashley off and that breaks my heart. Ashley has been my rock for 11 years and there’s nothing inappropriate between us. Despite that.. I’m struggling to know if I have I been completely unreasonable expecting my husband to be okay with my friendship with Ashley? Is it inappropriate no matter what because of that one time seven years ago?

I feel ashamed to admit it but I’m scared if my husband demands to go through my phone.. there’s been a few occasions where he has overstepped the line in arguments and Ashley is the only person I can talk to about it. If my husband finds out I told anyone, especially Ashley, I dread to think how he would react

OP posts:
PennyApril54 · 04/01/2025 20:23

KimberleyClark · 04/01/2025 16:46

Would you be happy about your husband being close friends with a woman he’d got pregnant as a teenager?

Edited

This. Plus confiding in them about arguments with you. Have a close male friend if you have to but put in decent boundaries that you would be happy with if the shoe was on the other foot. Sometimes friends drift apart etc as life moves on and things change. If I was you I'd start a transition to be less close friends. I wonder what Ashley's wife thinks of it .

LawrenceSMarlowforPresident · 04/01/2025 20:29

Rosegarden47 · 04/01/2025 20:04

Honestly I’d be proud of my husband if he drive four hours to help out anyone. When I needed to go to hospital because my appendix was about to burst he got his dad to take me in because he didn’t want to be sitting around a hospital all night 😅

Show quote history

Why do you find that funny? I think it's appalling. The more you write about your husband, the worse he sounds.

Merryoldgoat · 04/01/2025 20:30

@Rosegarden47

You are worrying about the wrong thing.

You and your husband could have a respectful discussion about the friendship and come to an agreement if he was a reasonable man.

You now have to come to terms with the fact that you are in another abusive relationship and have a child with this man.

That’s where you need to concentrate your efforts.

Merryoldgoat · 04/01/2025 20:31

LawrenceSMarlowforPresident · 04/01/2025 20:29

Why do you find that funny? I think it's appalling. The more you write about your husband, the worse he sounds.

Show quote history

Completely agree. I find it so weird how OP is minimising her abuse.

Original poster
Rosegarden47 · 04/01/2025 20:33

LawrenceSMarlowforPresident · 04/01/2025 20:29

Why do you find that funny? I think it's appalling. The more you write about your husband, the worse he sounds.

Show quote history

I’m only laughing at it in the context of the post I was replying too, believe me I still feel the hurt from that occasion quite deeply

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 04/01/2025 20:40

Rosegarden47 · 04/01/2025 20:33

I’m only laughing at it in the context of the post I was replying too, believe me I still feel the hurt from that occasion quite deeply

Show quote history

You could have died from a ruptured appendix.

How on earth did you stay with him?

flippertygibbet4 · 04/01/2025 20:41

Rosegarden, you are not in a good relationship. Regardless of your friendship with Ashley, your DH is emotionally and physically abusive towards you. I don't see that improving. You deserve to feel happy and safe, as does your daughter. The issue is whether or not you should stay in your marriage. I think you already know the answer to that. Be strong. You deserve so much more.

flippertygibbet4 · 04/01/2025 20:46

Are there any support services near you or could you ring a phone line for some advice, someone in real life who can talk through your situation with you? Friends, or parents?

GivingitToGod · 04/01/2025 20:47

Didimum · 04/01/2025 16:33

I don’t think your husband’s insecurities are necessarily his problem if you have been prioritising your friendship with Ashley over your marriage. I would not appreciate finding out about a pregnancy with a friend out the blue during fertility issues either.

THIS
OP, you need to be honest with yourself and recognise your evolving feelings for Ashley. You talk about things being bad in your marriage since having a baby and your husband struggling with parenthood. Believe me, that is standard with new parenthood and babies. I believe you need to work on investing in your marriage. Best of luck in the interests of all

XChrome · 04/01/2025 20:50

Rosegarden47 · 04/01/2025 17:33

He’s gotten physically scary a few times, I don’t really want to go into it more as it hasn’t happened in a few months now and I’m hoping he’s leaned his lesson

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He hasn't learned his lesson. He's just using jealousy to control you instead of terror.
That will quickly change is you "disobey" him about Ashley.
Love, this is classic coercive control. Forbidding you to see Ashley is just a means to that end. If he has female friends, you can have male friends.

GetyourheadoutoftheovenIris · 04/01/2025 20:51

Big fat no to anyone who tells me that I am not allowed to see someone unless they are supervising. I am not a child and will not fall face down on the nearest penis unless supervised.

XChrome · 04/01/2025 20:52

Rosegarden47 · 04/01/2025 20:04

Honestly I’d be proud of my husband if he drive four hours to help out anyone. When I needed to go to hospital because my appendix was about to burst he got his dad to take me in because he didn’t want to be sitting around a hospital all night 😅

Show quote history

What a complete and utter dickhead. That's sad, not funny.

Beesandhoney123 · 04/01/2025 20:53

Firstly, instead of calling Ashley when your dh shoved you down the stairs, you should have called the police.
Ashley should have called the police too. Not driven through the night.

Ashley's wife doesn't like you because you don't want anything to change. You and Ashley seem happy to leave her alone whilst he drives bloody miles into a possibly dangerous situation. Did he take you and the baby back to his house?

If Ashley and you stop being friends, your dh will find another reason to be violent and escalate. And you must confide in local friends, because they can support you when you leave If you stay in the area. You can't expect Ashley to be your rock.

LawrenceSMarlowforPresident · 04/01/2025 20:53

GivingitToGod · 04/01/2025 20:47

THIS
OP, you need to be honest with yourself and recognise your evolving feelings for Ashley. You talk about things being bad in your marriage since having a baby and your husband struggling with parenthood. Believe me, that is standard with new parenthood and babies. I believe you need to work on investing in your marriage. Best of luck in the interests of all

Show quote history

No, she absolutely should not be "investing" in her marriage. Her husband is emotionally and physically abusive. He wouldn't even take her to the hospital when she had a ruptured appendix. IMO she should be taking steps to end the marriage for her own sake and for the sake of her child.

@Rosegarden47I am old enough to be your mother. If you were my daughter, I would be desperately worried about you. Please don't ignore the warning signs or brush them under the carpet. Your friendship with Ashley is neither here nor there. The important thing to focus on is how to extract yourself from an abusive marriage.

Original poster
Rosegarden47 · 04/01/2025 20:55

Beesandhoney123 · 04/01/2025 20:53

Firstly, instead of calling Ashley when your dh shoved you down the stairs, you should have called the police.
Ashley should have called the police too. Not driven through the night.

Ashley's wife doesn't like you because you don't want anything to change. You and Ashley seem happy to leave her alone whilst he drives bloody miles into a possibly dangerous situation. Did he take you and the baby back to his house?

If Ashley and you stop being friends, your dh will find another reason to be violent and escalate. And you must confide in local friends, because they can support you when you leave If you stay in the area. You can't expect Ashley to be your rock.

It was not my husband who pushed me down the stairs, it was an ex. Ashley didn’t call the police only to respect my wishes

OP posts:
Pinkissmart · 04/01/2025 20:59

Your husband sounds awful OP.

Flittingaboutagain · 04/01/2025 21:01

Seems to me Ashley is in love with you. I agree you shouldn't meet up without your husband (assuming you stay married).. I wouldn't want someone my husband had sex and a pregnancy with seven years ago hanging around.

SunshineAndFizz · 04/01/2025 21:07

I wouldn't be happy at all if my DH was meeting up with a girl he'd previously got pregnant. Too much history.

There are boundaries to respect in a marriage.

I don't think it's unreasonable at all that he's asked you not to spend time with him alone.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 04/01/2025 21:09

Rosegarden47 · 04/01/2025 20:04

Honestly I’d be proud of my husband if he drive four hours to help out anyone. When I needed to go to hospital because my appendix was about to burst he got his dad to take me in because he didn’t want to be sitting around a hospital all night 😅

Show quote history

You're still skirting around the main point of the thread.

It's not him driving 4 hours to help 'anyone' though is it.
It's an ex that he previously got pregnant.

No woman would be happy about that.

Still nothing funny about anything you've posted.

You clearly don't want to end the friendship, so why ask?

flippertygibbet4 · 04/01/2025 21:11

LawrenceSMarlowforPresident · 04/01/2025 20:53

No, she absolutely should not be "investing" in her marriage. Her husband is emotionally and physically abusive. He wouldn't even take her to the hospital when she had a ruptured appendix. IMO she should be taking steps to end the marriage for her own sake and for the sake of her child.

@Rosegarden47I am old enough to be your mother. If you were my daughter, I would be desperately worried about you. Please don't ignore the warning signs or brush them under the carpet. Your friendship with Ashley is neither here nor there. The important thing to focus on is how to extract yourself from an abusive marriage.

Show quote history

This. Exactly this. All of it.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 04/01/2025 21:15

Rosegarden47 · 04/01/2025 20:04

Honestly I’d be proud of my husband if he drive four hours to help out anyone. When I needed to go to hospital because my appendix was about to burst he got his dad to take me in because he didn’t want to be sitting around a hospital all night 😅

Show quote history

Why are you with someone that treats you like this? Is this what you think love looks like?

Again, the Ashley thing is a red herring. You are married to a horrible man.

Original poster
Rosegarden47 · 04/01/2025 21:19

ForZanyAquaViewer · 04/01/2025 21:15

Why are you with someone that treats you like this? Is this what you think love looks like?

Again, the Ashley thing is a red herring. You are married to a horrible man.

Show quote history

I love my husband but he has done some horrible things. He seems to have been stepping up recently, and I’m hoping things are going to change for the better

OP posts:
SensibleSigma · 04/01/2025 21:23

Rosegarden47 · 04/01/2025 21:19

I love my husband but he has done some horrible things. He seems to have been stepping up recently, and I’m hoping things are going to change for the better

Show quote history

More likely he’ll continue to cycle between being obnoxious and being just nice enough to keep you hanging on.
Especially if FiL isn’t a nice man

ForZanyAquaViewer · 04/01/2025 21:34

Rosegarden47 · 04/01/2025 21:19

I love my husband but he has done some horrible things. He seems to have been stepping up recently, and I’m hoping things are going to change for the better

Show quote history

He’s physically frightened you (no details provided, but I’m sure we can imagine), wouldn’t drive you to hospital for a medical emergency, had misogynistic views of male/female friendships (despite having female friends himself) and clearly has no respect for you. And that’s just based on the stuff you’ve told us. I’m sure there’s more.

However, as he hasn’t physically aggressed you in a few months, you think all shall be well? OP, for goodness sake. Open your eyes.

Do you know how many times my husband has done ‘horrible things’ to me? None. And (while he’s pretty great) that’s not because he’s some extra special superhuman. That’s the standard. Your husband’s conduct is inexcusable.

Roryno · 04/01/2025 21:53

Ir shouldn’t be an issue to have a friendship with someone that you had a tiny fling with years ago. I am friends with one of my exes and my husband knows it really is just a friendship. And your husband DOES sound incredibly iffy with a lot of red flags. It doesn’t sound like you actually see each other much usually.

But - if both your husband and his wife are uncomfortable with this friendship, personally I’d be going out as a foursome more often, bringing them into the equation more. My husband has ended up better friends with my ex nowadays than I am.