Is my friendship inappropriate?

[Rosegarden47]

I (25f) have been married to my husband (28m) for five years.

I have a close friend, Ashley, who happens to be male. We’ve been best friends since we were about 14. Our relationship has never been romantic. However when we were 17 and both going through rough breakups, got drunk and had sex. Unluckily that one occasion lead to a very traumatic miscarriage. We agreed to never speak of it again, carried on our friendship as before and both started relationships with our now spouses. He’s now married with kid.

When my husband and I were going through fertility issues, at appointments my pregnancy history obviously came up and he learned about the miscarriage. I was completely honest with him and he didn’t hold any grudges over drunken teenage stupidity.

When we got married I moved to my husband’s hometown, so I don’t have many friends locally. Unfortunately since the birth of our daughter 19 months ago, my relationship with my husband has changed, mostly for the worst. I usually see Ashley on average a couple of times a year (though we talk/text regularly), if I’m visiting my family in my hometown. However Ashley has happened to have been visiting my area twice this month, and we’ve met up. Both times my husband was at work. Ashley and I had our kids with us. After the second time my husband, egged on my my FIL, has decided that Ashley is trying to take me away from him. He said he’s not happy with me being friends with someone with our history, I’m not allowed to see him again, possibly with the exception of my husband being present at all times.

I’m not accusing anyone of being an asshole, I know this situation is entirely my fault. I know my husband is insecure and struggling to adapt to being a dad, and I can see where this jealousy has come from his point of view. But I am upset. I know my husband’s jealousy is only going to get worse and it will end with him demanding me to cut Ashley off and that breaks my heart. Ashley has been my rock for 11 years and there’s nothing inappropriate between us. Despite that.. I’m struggling to know if I have I been completely unreasonable expecting my husband to be okay with my friendship with Ashley? Is it inappropriate no matter what because of that one time seven years ago?

I feel ashamed to admit it but I’m scared if my husband demands to go through my phone.. there’s been a few occasions where he has overstepped the line in arguments and Ashley is the only person I can talk to about it. If my husband finds out I told anyone, especially Ashley, I dread to think how he would react

100%

Sweetheart you’re living with a ticking time bomb. I’m sorry but your husband is an abusive and controlling man and from what you’ve said, his behaviour is escalating. You said you grew up in a violent home do you want to put your child through the same? DV always starts gradually and unless the perpetrator faces up to their actions it will only get worse. Please don’t put yourself or your child through this anymore.

Agreed. I hadn't seen the abuse post until after I put my comment. She should definitely leave him and as someone who was in an abusive relationship for 10 years, I know leaving is far from easy. It took me 2 years from deciding to leave to actually leaving. OP needs to protect her child. Whilst she is a baby now she won't always be and once she goes to pre school or school and tells other people what she witnesses in the home, external services will be involved and it isn't pleasant.

OP your house is not stable it’s really scary reading the list of incidents (and I don’t think it’s anything to do with them being written down together) you could list them separately and it still be scary. Plus the peanut butter situation I mean that’s bad enough alone never mind with the other stuff.
One of those things is bad enough never mind them all.

I know you grew up in a violent environment so I feel this is clouding your judgement slightly because your situation isn’t as bad as that, but that doesn’t make what your going through ok!
I 100% don’t think you should end your friendship why would you prioritise an abusive persons wishes over someone who acts kindly towards you. If you do that he is going to just carry on controlling you.
if your daughter came to you in 20/25 years time and told you her husband had done the things yours had to her what would your advice to her be?

I don’t normally comment on here but having read an outline of what he’s done to you during your relationship, I find it terrifying. OP this is NOT how a good man treats a woman, I promise you. My husband would rather die than lay his hands on me in anger. Your husband is physically and emotionally abusive. He WILL NOT change, even if he’s had a few good weeks. He’s now trying to cut you off from crucial support. How long before his aggression turns to your child/children? Do you really think it won’t? You know who he is. It might be hard in the short term but leave him now to keep yourself and your child safe and happy. He won’t change.

Just read all OP and my concern for you and your daughter has grown. I have been married for over 30 years & my husband has never threatened me with violence or laid a finger on me. We've had our share of rows but a good door slam (by me) is as violent as it gets.

I was previously in an abusive relationship and understand how difficult it is to leave (after 10 years). But it's the best thing I ever did.

I feel like that's maybe more him thinking what he would do, which isn't great. One of my best friends is an ex-partner, our friendship is valuable and my DP doesn't have any worries. I think it speaks of your DH's insecurities, and not your fault at all

OP,

I'd like to know you're safe, please. I really fear for you, especially when you're dressing down the clear abuse.

It sounds like history repeating itself based on your posts. You had some terrible relationships when younger, then your ex was violent and threw you down the stairs, and now your husband who you see a we s ‘not that bad’ compared to your experience of previous relationships - is also abusive. And Ashley sounds like your safe place and the one man in your life who you can trust and rely on. Which is obviously also a threat to your husband based on what kind of person he is.

It sounds like 121 counselling / psychotherapy is a much better route than couples counselling, as you will need to work through the trauma from your childhood to really get to grips with your current situation. Also if you were to disclose these incidences with your couples counsellor then they would probably have a duty of care to you and your daughter to safeguard her from your husband based on his previous actions and inability to control his anger - and might need to involve social services. They are confidential but only to a point.

As many others have said - you wouldn’t want this for your daughter & it’s up to you to stop this inter generational pattern from continuing.

I appreciate you didn’t come on here asking about your husband & just wanted clarity on your relationship with Ashley, but it is all interlinked. You’ve been blindsided multiple times. Please don’t let this continue on for your daughter’s sake. All the best to you.

If h was bothered about the earlier pregnancy why didn’t he deal with it all before you were pregnant again? There is a direct link between pregnancy, birth and abuse, also a generation link of abuse with his father. Don’t get pregnant again, leave now and get therapy. You need guidance on what is love and what is abuse. The situation is escalating and now his dad is having a say . He’s being led by another who can’t see the damage being caused. Seek help , google domestic abuse helpline then delete. You are in so deep you can’t see a bit of clarity will help. Lots of posters on here have said this was them and they recognise the abuse.

Bit late to this thread, but I have a question for you @Rosegarden47

You said an ex pushed you down the stairs, not your husband, and Ashley drove 4 hours to tell you, leaving his family at home?

You also said that after your one night stand, at 17, you and Ashley both got together with your now current spouses.

You also said you only moved away once married.

Which ex was it that pushed you down the stairs? Because it sounds very much like your husband did this, but you don't want to admit this, at least not to us on the internet. Out of curiosity, was that what caused you to miscarry during your marriage?

Please don't minimise or excuse your husbands behaviour. Abusers are always sorry afterwards. They always ramp up the love and affection so you think how good they are really and that there are more good times than bad so you won't leave.

Also, if he genuinely wanted to change and felt bad about his behaviour, he wouldn't ask you not to bring it up in therapy, or tell you off if you do - he would welcome the chance to learn how to control his temper. There is a reason couples therapy is not recommended in abusive relationships!

I know it's easy for strangers on the internet to tell you to leave - but history is full of women like you. How would you feel if he killed you and either your daughter ends up in care because he's in jail, or he gets away with it and grows up in his sole custody with no one else to he the outlet for his anger?

I also assume he doesn't have these violent outbursts at work or with anyone else? Which shows he can control it.

You say your husband has changed since the birth of your baby? Maybe he's scared that you may "go off" with Ashley and take the baby? Or does he feel pushed out now it's not just you and him? I'd try talking to him, assure him it's him you love and your happy with your little family. If he still insists on you not seeing Ashley, or him being there, then you make that choice, all of you and Ashleys wife, or decide which relationship is more important to you.

Oh OP when I read the list of ways he has crossed a line my heart sunk. You really didn't think he was too bad and that people would understand better when you shared a bit more detail. I've literally just lurked on MN, never ever posted before now, but I've created a username and all, just to tell you, it's really really scary what you've gone through and I think you might have too high a tolerance for violence. Please get some support and really assess things. Talk to the counsellor maybe. They'll be well aware that abusers are master manipulators who can come off charming. But please try to find a way out before he gets even worse towards you and maybe even turns on your child. His matter isnt remotely about your friend. All your husband is doing is isolating you from your support network so you will be even more reliant on him. Please don't let him hurt you further

Sending you love and strength OP Xx

This! All of this

@Rosegarden47 I hope you've had some sort of help/solo counselling and have plans to leave x

Hope youre ok op?

Yes this. Do not let anybody isolate you from your friends (and ignore the naive comments from posters who tell you off for a long-standing friendship with someone of the opposite sex) . Long-standing friends are most likely to have your back and will be there when you need them..

Leave him now. He is abusive, physically and mentally. Raising a child is challenging so I wouldn't be surprised if he got worse. You cannot have a man like that around your daughter. Your own parents violent relationship has given you a screwed vision of what is acceptable and normal. This is absolutely not.

This is a really important response.

Have you thought of your child in all this? Witnessing abuse is abuse. I wouldn’t keep my child in that situation if I were you.

The first 36 months are crucial for establishing attachment style and personality. Growing up in abuse will normalise it for your child and they will go on the repeat this. This is what I’d be thinking about more than anything.

Avoiding your FIL would seem adviseable. Deleting every damning text and get into regular Face Time with Ashley. I don't actually know if you can do that without a trace in your phone though. Husbands being insanely jealous of every male who had crossed their wives' paths are pretty common. Telling the truth is what has caused the sh.. to hit the fan. The fact that DH really sees Ashley as competition shows how insecure he is and I bet he is also sufferiung at having to share you with the baby. Another pretty common thing !