Is my friendship inappropriate?

[Rosegarden47]

I (25f) have been married to my husband (28m) for five years.

I have a close friend, Ashley, who happens to be male. We’ve been best friends since we were about 14. Our relationship has never been romantic. However when we were 17 and both going through rough breakups, got drunk and had sex. Unluckily that one occasion lead to a very traumatic miscarriage. We agreed to never speak of it again, carried on our friendship as before and both started relationships with our now spouses. He’s now married with kid.

When my husband and I were going through fertility issues, at appointments my pregnancy history obviously came up and he learned about the miscarriage. I was completely honest with him and he didn’t hold any grudges over drunken teenage stupidity.

When we got married I moved to my husband’s hometown, so I don’t have many friends locally. Unfortunately since the birth of our daughter 19 months ago, my relationship with my husband has changed, mostly for the worst. I usually see Ashley on average a couple of times a year (though we talk/text regularly), if I’m visiting my family in my hometown. However Ashley has happened to have been visiting my area twice this month, and we’ve met up. Both times my husband was at work. Ashley and I had our kids with us. After the second time my husband, egged on my my FIL, has decided that Ashley is trying to take me away from him. He said he’s not happy with me being friends with someone with our history, I’m not allowed to see him again, possibly with the exception of my husband being present at all times.

I’m not accusing anyone of being an asshole, I know this situation is entirely my fault. I know my husband is insecure and struggling to adapt to being a dad, and I can see where this jealousy has come from his point of view. But I am upset. I know my husband’s jealousy is only going to get worse and it will end with him demanding me to cut Ashley off and that breaks my heart. Ashley has been my rock for 11 years and there’s nothing inappropriate between us. Despite that.. I’m struggling to know if I have I been completely unreasonable expecting my husband to be okay with my friendship with Ashley? Is it inappropriate no matter what because of that one time seven years ago?

I feel ashamed to admit it but I’m scared if my husband demands to go through my phone.. there’s been a few occasions where he has overstepped the line in arguments and Ashley is the only person I can talk to about it. If my husband finds out I told anyone, especially Ashley, I dread to think how he would react

Please do try if you can summon the energy.

I know quite a few people who are friends with people they have previously shagged, and no problems?

My husband knows I dated my friend and has zero problems with my platonic relationship with my friend, because he isn't an insecure jealous dickhead.

I think most people here who have a problem with it, are probably projecting.

He found out about it years ago, it was never an issue until this week. If it was always an issue for him I’d understand more

Unfortunately Ashley’s wife does not like me. Not down to anything I did, but apparently it got back to her that Ashley’s mother said he should have married me instead of her. I completely understand why she’s not my biggest fan

My husband has a good friend who was his witness at our wedding. She is a previous girlfriend, the only girlfriend which could have led to marriage. I don't find it in the least disrespectful that he is still friends with her.

Out of respect for Ashley's wife, I would stay away from him.

One of my best friends is male and I can genuinely talk to him openly about anything.
DH knows this, it isn't a problem.
There's never been anything inappropriate.
On the same subject DHs bestie is a female and they also talk about anything - DH admits he finds it easier to talk to her about some stuff than me because she isn't his wife.
I get this.
Your DH sounds very insecure, but that isn't your problem it's his.
Please don't let him ruin your friendship with his insecurities.

I think Ashley's wife's beef is with her interfering MIL!

You would cut off your one source of support purely because your unevolved abusive husband asks you to?

There is nothing you could do with Ashley that would justify your DH being "physically scary" towards you. Even if you were having a full blown affair with him. There is no justification for abusive behaviour.

If my husband ever tried to forbid me from seeing a friend, I would laugh openly and tell him that my friendships were nothing to do with him. But it would never occur to my husband to say such a thing, because he isn't a controlling arse.

You've done nothing wrong. But I hope you see your husband's controlling behaviour for what it is. The fact that he is also physically abusive doesn't surprise me. You're still quite young. You have potentially many years ahead of you. Please don't accept that you have to put up with abuse (physical or emotional) in your marriage.

Some of these comments are ridiculous.

Do any of you really think that Ashley and the OP are going to be shagging in the middle of a kids' playground with their children and random other children watching them?

Stop being silly.

I said exactly the same thing to my husband. Does he really think if we were having romantic meetings we’d bring our kids along?

Clearly your friendship/connection with Ashley is more important to you both than your husband or his wife's feelings. Could she have had a word with your husband and that is why he has become unpleasant.

Ashley once dropped everything and drove four hours in the middle of the night to come and get me after my ex pushed me down the stairs. I don’t know anyone else who would do that for me. With all due respect I’m not going to distance myself from a friend like that because his wife resents me over something his mother said

You know there's nothing wrong with your friendship with Ashley, but that doesn't really help you does it, because to keep your DH happy it looks like you'll have to end it. I think his attempt to control your behaviour is really concerning. And if you cut contact with Ashley I guarantee your DH will demand something else from you. This is not how good relationships work, as you know already from your friendship with Ashley. Do you treat your DH in the same way? Are you physically intimidating towards him? Do you control his friendships? No. Think of what you want from your marriage and what you want for your daughter.

Most importantly, nothing justifies abusive behaviour, whether that's physical or emotional.

Who pushed you down the stairs? If that was your DH, you need to think very seriously about your safety and the safety of your daughter. If my DH ever laid a finger on me I would leave.

That was my ex, unfortunate typo

Why has your FIL got involved? In what way is your DH struggling to be a dad?

Only you know in your heart of hearts what Ashley means to you. It certainly sounds as if he treats you with more kindness and respect than your DH does. However, your friendship with him is a separate issue from the state of your relationship with your DH. Think hard about what you want going forwards. What if you make another friend that your DH isn't happy about? What if he is physically intimidating towards you again? You have a daughter now and she must come first. What would you say to her if she found herself in a similar position when she grew up? Please prioritise your safety and her safety, and the happiness of you both in the future.

He was around helping my husband with some DIY the day I met Ashley. I guess they talked about it. My FIL is very overprotective of me, sometimes it’s quite intrusive. I think the “men only want one thing” line probably came from him

I agree with poster you’re replying to here @Rosegarden47 but I real wanted to pick up on your comment about him having “gone too far in arguments” - what does that mean?

it’s clear he doesn’t trust you and whatever the reason I think that’s the kiss of death. You do not deserve to have your friendships controlled. He does not sound like a great husband and you sound isolated. Is this the relationship you want for yourself?

Your husband has physically scared you during arguments, hoping he's learnt his lesson is, imo, a dangerous hope.
Do not ditch Ashley, he's a real friend and one I feel you will need in the future.
Your husband? He's the one I'd ditch.

By this logic, does your DH want to have sex with all his female friends?

We drop friends that are not good for our relationships as we grow.

Not to say you have to, but you make a conscious choice.

As others have said, you wouldn't be happy if your DH was friends with an ex he'd gotten pregnant.
Or if he drove 4 hours to help an ex out, leaving you and kids at home.

Sounds like you don't want to give up the friendship anyway, so not sure why come and ask.

Honestly I’d be proud of my husband if he drive four hours to help out anyone. When I needed to go to hospital because my appendix was about to burst he got his dad to take me in because he didn’t want to be sitting around a hospital all night 😅

We see who you put first. That’s OKbut this thread is finished.

Because I don’t want to end a friendship that means a lot to me when I’ve literally done nothing wrong (apart from one stupid decision before I’d even met my husband)?