Is my friendship inappropriate?

[Rosegarden47]

I (25f) have been married to my husband (28m) for five years.

I have a close friend, Ashley, who happens to be male. We’ve been best friends since we were about 14. Our relationship has never been romantic. However when we were 17 and both going through rough breakups, got drunk and had sex. Unluckily that one occasion lead to a very traumatic miscarriage. We agreed to never speak of it again, carried on our friendship as before and both started relationships with our now spouses. He’s now married with kid.

When my husband and I were going through fertility issues, at appointments my pregnancy history obviously came up and he learned about the miscarriage. I was completely honest with him and he didn’t hold any grudges over drunken teenage stupidity.

When we got married I moved to my husband’s hometown, so I don’t have many friends locally. Unfortunately since the birth of our daughter 19 months ago, my relationship with my husband has changed, mostly for the worst. I usually see Ashley on average a couple of times a year (though we talk/text regularly), if I’m visiting my family in my hometown. However Ashley has happened to have been visiting my area twice this month, and we’ve met up. Both times my husband was at work. Ashley and I had our kids with us. After the second time my husband, egged on my my FIL, has decided that Ashley is trying to take me away from him. He said he’s not happy with me being friends with someone with our history, I’m not allowed to see him again, possibly with the exception of my husband being present at all times.

I’m not accusing anyone of being an asshole, I know this situation is entirely my fault. I know my husband is insecure and struggling to adapt to being a dad, and I can see where this jealousy has come from his point of view. But I am upset. I know my husband’s jealousy is only going to get worse and it will end with him demanding me to cut Ashley off and that breaks my heart. Ashley has been my rock for 11 years and there’s nothing inappropriate between us. Despite that.. I’m struggling to know if I have I been completely unreasonable expecting my husband to be okay with my friendship with Ashley? Is it inappropriate no matter what because of that one time seven years ago?

I feel ashamed to admit it but I’m scared if my husband demands to go through my phone.. there’s been a few occasions where he has overstepped the line in arguments and Ashley is the only person I can talk to about it. If my husband finds out I told anyone, especially Ashley, I dread to think how he would react

He's just trying to cut off your only source of support. Abusive men do this.

Nobody tells me who I am "allowed" to be friends with.
I can appreciate why it makes your DH uncomfortable but he is going to have to deal with it

But yet every other day on MN women are doing that to there husbands and partners.
If the shoe was on the other foot many would have something awful to say so what makes this any different.
I agree with the red flag and its her.

Does Ashley's wife knows about your friendship? My unpopular opinion: I want my partner to be my rock, not some other woman who is having marital problems plus they share a past. Sounds like emotional affair to me

Bollocks. Women have no right to be abusive toward their male partner either, female friend or not.

He used to be. But unfortunately he changed a lot after our daughter was born

Yabvu

It’s difficult

but I think you should consider counselling to discuss your relationship post children.

he is being stupid about your male friend but I think the under issue is your relationship after children.

Unfortunately a lot of idiots around here cannot conceive of a platonic friendship between opposite sexes, and love to stick the boot in, so the more pressing issue of your husband's coercive control and overstepping in arguments, is likely to be overlooked here OP.

Yes you may benefit from counselling, but not together.

It must have been a shock for your husband to learn that you had a miscarriage and the father was your best friend who you are very close to.

Over time this has festered and made him suspicious of Ashley, perhaps believing that Ashley would want more than a friendship given the chance.

Jealousy is ugly and your husband is letting jealously control his emotions but you are also being unreasonable by not telling him the details of the miscarriage before you were married and not expecting it to play on his mind.

For clarification, my husband has plenty of female friends, both long time from school and others from work. Granted, I know it’s not the same as getting them pregnant, but couple of his old school friends he openly has told me he used to fancy/wanted to get with back in the day. It’s genuinely never bothered me

It is none of her husband's business... I don't want to know about my husband's past sexual exploits.

This isn’t about Ashley. It’s about your husband being a bad husband for the past nine months and being ashamed of his behaviour so would hate Ashley to be aware of it.

So his behaviour is the issue and has been for 9 months.

And who he now shares all his private marriage woes with but wants to keep those messages secret from his wife.

Even he’s agreed that on a couple of occasions he’s gone too far when he’s lost is temper. I think that has made him insecure that I might leave, and this is something his insecurity has landed on

This is difficult because of the history with Ashley but you are allowed friends.

If Ashley was a woman would you be scared of your husband finding out you had offloaded to her. I maybe bias because some of my closest friendships are with men and if I was told to get rid of them by my partner I would see it as the start of an abusive relationship. That said I have never had a pregnancy with any of my male friends which may have changed things somewhat!

Maybe for the interim you will have to reduce your catch-ups with Ashley and discuss with your husband.

I don’t get people saying you have put him before your marriage though as you see each other a couple of times a month?

feel ashamed to admit it but I’m scared if my husband demands to go through my phone.. there’s been a few occasions where he has overstepped the line in arguments

What do you by this @Rosegarden47 ? What has he done?

Platonic friends don't get each other pregnant.

If I was being abusive to my husband and beating him up or shouting and screaming at him during arguments, yes it would be perfectly reasonable for him to confide in a close female friend.

My best friend is the opposite sex to me and if DP tried to tell me I couldn't see them any more then she wouldn't be my DP any more.

I've known my friend a hell of a lot longer than DP, as far as I'm concerned she's family.

Well they obviously did here, so...

You are not being unreasonable. One of my non-negotiable when choosing a partner is that they have to be ok with me having male friends, some of which i may have dated in the past. The kind of men I pair up with have no issues with this. These men are not jealous, are open minded and I can talk to them about absolutely everything (including about other men attempting to flirt with me, which we both find hilarious).

If a man asked me to choose between them and male friends, I would choose ME, meaning that I would choose the friends because giving friends up is equal to giving up a part of who I am and what I believe in

Where on earth did you get all that from?

This logic is so brain dead.

So let’s just assume Ashley wants an affair?

So? I hear this constantly and I think “do you think I am duty bound to sleep with any man who asks?!”

He’s gotten physically scary a few times, I don’t really want to go into it more as it hasn’t happened in a few months now and I’m hoping he’s leaned his lesson