Is my friendship inappropriate?

[Rosegarden47]

I (25f) have been married to my husband (28m) for five years.

I have a close friend, Ashley, who happens to be male. We’ve been best friends since we were about 14. Our relationship has never been romantic. However when we were 17 and both going through rough breakups, got drunk and had sex. Unluckily that one occasion lead to a very traumatic miscarriage. We agreed to never speak of it again, carried on our friendship as before and both started relationships with our now spouses. He’s now married with kid.

When my husband and I were going through fertility issues, at appointments my pregnancy history obviously came up and he learned about the miscarriage. I was completely honest with him and he didn’t hold any grudges over drunken teenage stupidity.

When we got married I moved to my husband’s hometown, so I don’t have many friends locally. Unfortunately since the birth of our daughter 19 months ago, my relationship with my husband has changed, mostly for the worst. I usually see Ashley on average a couple of times a year (though we talk/text regularly), if I’m visiting my family in my hometown. However Ashley has happened to have been visiting my area twice this month, and we’ve met up. Both times my husband was at work. Ashley and I had our kids with us. After the second time my husband, egged on my my FIL, has decided that Ashley is trying to take me away from him. He said he’s not happy with me being friends with someone with our history, I’m not allowed to see him again, possibly with the exception of my husband being present at all times.

I’m not accusing anyone of being an asshole, I know this situation is entirely my fault. I know my husband is insecure and struggling to adapt to being a dad, and I can see where this jealousy has come from his point of view. But I am upset. I know my husband’s jealousy is only going to get worse and it will end with him demanding me to cut Ashley off and that breaks my heart. Ashley has been my rock for 11 years and there’s nothing inappropriate between us. Despite that.. I’m struggling to know if I have I been completely unreasonable expecting my husband to be okay with my friendship with Ashley? Is it inappropriate no matter what because of that one time seven years ago?

I feel ashamed to admit it but I’m scared if my husband demands to go through my phone.. there’s been a few occasions where he has overstepped the line in arguments and Ashley is the only person I can talk to about it. If my husband finds out I told anyone, especially Ashley, I dread to think how he would react

Firstly, delete all messages between you....then there is nothing to find or be suspicious about.
Then tell your husband that you are not going to lose a long standing friend and if he carries on with hus behaviour and threats he will lose you anyway.
Stand up for yourself.

I wouldn't be happy or secure if my husband was spending time with and messaging a woman he once got pregnant.
It's more that just the drunken teenage sex, which I wouldn't mind. It's the huge shared traumatic history you have together, it makes the relationship significant and more akin to an ex partner if you see what I mean. Especially as your relationship with your husband is currently on the rocks... I would consider a prioritising your primary relationships, your young family right now.

It’s not, or at least it’s not the issue I’m looking for feedback on.. I genuinely don’t know if I’m the one in the wrong in this situation

You are not. He is using the abuser's textbook:

https://yimregister.medium.com/the-abusers-textbook-13-steps-abusers-take-to-trap-victims-fab7bd2a78a1

So.... he has behaved really badly and now k ow that you might leave. This makes him insecure. And to make him feel better, YOU have to change your relationship with Ashley?

Bollocks.

He doesn't get to cha ge the goalposts this far into the relationship. You and Ashley have been friends for a long time. Your h's behaviour has caused you to be unhappy. If that means you are at risk of having your head turned, it's on him to correct his behaviour.

He is controlling. What else has happened besides being "physically scary"? I bet loads. From resenting you going out to leaving you to do all the dc care to financial abuse.

You're not in the wrong. My DH has female friends and I have male friends. If there is trust in a relationship then that shouldn't be a problem. Ashley is clearly a friend from your childhood and not a threat to your current relationship. In my opinion, the fact that your partner has behaved in a physically scary way is serious. What would you tell your DD about that kind of thing when she grows up? You'd never in a million years tell her that it was ok and she should just put up with it. Hiding parts of yourself to keep your partner happy is never a good thing.

Ps dh is friends with his ex who he got pregnant and they had an abortion. I am not in the slightest bit concerned about their relationship.

You've done nothing wrong op.

You didn't keep your miscarriage from him - you told him about it when you needed to and was totally honest - you could have said anyone was the Dad and lied to make life easier but you didn't.
You aren't sneaking behind his back to see your friend or constantly having time away from your family to see him.
Even talking to him about what's going on isn't wrong - no one would judge you confiding in a female friend about an abusive partner - his penis is immaterial.

He's physically intimidating and now controlling. Please think of that's how you want to live your life.

I bet FIL is a controlling arse as well.

At the time I hid the pregnancy from Ashley (the same week I found out I was pregnant his ex announced she was also pregnant, not his finest moment). He found out when I ended up in hospital, so there was never any talk of “what should we do” or potential future between us

Yeah my FIL is very.. overprotective of me. Sometimes it’s sweet, sometimes it’s very intrusive.

First post nails it. He's acting like a petulant child and all that his jealousy and insecurity will do is kill the relationship.

The thing is - if you slept together in the past he isnt just a friend. He might be now, but you do have a past together.

With all due respect, it was one day out of eleven years, when we were both single

I don’t think this is your primary issue OP or at least I wouldn’t order your decision making in this order.

Your husband has become physically abusive, very common time for it to happen after a baby.

When you decide to leave (and you will -you obviously won’t want to raise a child in an abusive home) you’re going to want all the friends you can get. Why cut Ashley off now, when you’re going to need him?

I think you need to have a good think about what environment you want your child to grow up in and make action. There is never a good reason to be violent towards your spouse, ever. Even if provoked. You know that, he knows that, hence the hiding and shame around it.

Ashley sounds like a good friend, I would keep him.

Does FIL know your husband was violent towards you? Does he protect you from your husband or only friends?

Does FIL abuse his wife?

Ashley is a good friend, but right now you need to prioritise your marriage. Make friends with people that you haven’t had sex with. Delete conversations from your phone that you have had with Ashley that you wouldn’t want your husband to say.

Whatever faults your husband may have, I wouldn't be happy with your close friendship with Ashley. It's very inappropriate and very disrespectful imo.

You need to find new friends, or a good therapist to share your problems with. Your intentions might be innocent, but the whole set up seems so odd and I can see why your husband is angry.

This 100 %.

If the shoe were on the other foot most women would be fuming that they only find this out during a pregnancy- you might be saying it’s all plutonic now but it hasn’t always been and you’ve not been fully honest about your friendship. I think the increase in frequency of Ashley’s visits & issues in your marriage are creating an insecurity.. what does Ashley’s wife think I wonder- why doesn’t she come along a few times too might help x

I'm interested how exactly it is disrespectful towards OP's husband?

I think there's several issues here that need addressing but sticking to what you have asked...

I agree that your husband doesn't have a right to control you but I can understand his insecurities. It's the way he's dealing with them that is the problem.

Trying thinking if the shoe was on the other foot how would you feel? I'm fairly sure you wouldn't be comfortable with your husband being very close to another female in the same situation. It's only natural.

You need to have a serious chat with your husband if you want to be able to work through it.

If I have to spell it out to you, then something is very wrong.

His words were “I know what all men want” He only knows what he wants. And that statement doesn't show him in a good light.

All my closest friends are male, my husband trusts me and them and knows we'd never do anything untoward, your husband is being a controlling wazzock

I think if you need to ask if it's inappropriate, you already suspect it is. It is certainly straying into emotional affair territory.
It's a bit like friends asking if they drink too much alcohol, they already know they do or they wouldn't be worrying about it.
Do you meet up with both Ashley and his wife sometimes or only him?
I think it depends if your marriage is worth saving.