DH telling pointless lies

[doolallysally1]

I really need some outside perspective because I feel like I’m losing my mind. I don’t think IBU but DHs reaction is making me feel like I’m crazy.

Here’s a little context before the AIBU (all names mentioned have been changed)

About five months ago DH and I took a walk through a local beauty spot near where we’d recently moved. He points over an area of woodland and says ‘XX from work said he saw an adders nest there’. ‘Oh’ I say, not knowledgable on local wildlife but thought it odd and retained that as an interesting tidbit.

Next contextual detail (bear with me): a few months later, DH comes back from the school run saying he walked back with one of our neighbours who live opposite us who’ve got kids the same age as ours. Said his name is Antonio and he’s from Malta— really cool guy. I log this info away as I see Antonio on the school run and often his wife too.

Then, a few months after that, we’re all in the car and I tell DH that I’ve posted Christmas cards for our families and written them out for the neighbours too— I’ve done XX and XX next door etc etc and Antonio and Belinda (I’ve since found out his wife’s name). DH laughs at me and says ‘Antonio isn’t his name lol I made that up’.

??!?!

‘What do you mean you made it up?’
‘Yeah it went on longer than I meant it to but I made that up. He’s from Malta but his name isn’t Antonio, I dunno what he’s called’

I was genuinely speechless. Thankfully I’d not addressed the card to Antonio and Belinda (I put ‘all at number XX’) but I SO easily could have. It was such a pointless, mean spirited lie that would only serve to seriously embarrass me. He literally saw me writing out the neighbours Christmas cards and didn’t think to mention it then?! I pressed DH on it further (ie why on earth would you do that?!) but he seemed to find it weird that I wouldn’t let it drop (‘it was just a joke chill out’) and I could feel that it was about to become an argument. So in the interest of not ruining the day I let it go but have seethed quietly over it since.

NOW the AIBU. Today we went to that same beauty spot as above for a walk with DC and DH wanted to go slightly off piste. I noticed the area he was heading in the direction of and casually said ‘isn’t that where so and so saw the adder’s nest?’ He furrowed his brow at me and went ‘what?’

I repeated myself and he shook his head and said no he never said that and ofc there aren’t adders here? I pressed the matter, saying yes you said so and so saw an adders nest here. It was about five months ago. He then shrugged and said he made it up.

I then made some gestures over DCs head to see if this weird behaviour was in the interest of not scaring the kids with the thought of snakes (although theyre definitely too young to know what an adder is) but he grew more and more irate saying no, he didn’t know what I was talking about and he probably just made it up.

I then told him I was really annoyed with him because I KNOW he said it and that would be the second pointless lie he’s told me (I reminded him of Antonio) and I’m fed up with it. He told me ‘if you’re going to be like that then go home’ and I, aghast at the total lack of repentance (and freezing bollock cold) said fine but I need the keys and he then threw them at me!!

I stormed off and DC followed, upset, and DH soon after appeared but instead of apologising told me how he didn’t want to even spend the weekend with me and he’s absolutely furious with me for ruining the day?

Did I get worked up over nothing?

If he’s lying about silly things like this what else is he lying about

Gaslighting 101 - say some crap and deny it later. Definitely a sign of narcissism. And the lack of repentance and remorse just adds to this. He has no reason to say these things, it’s just stupid to make you then second guess yourself.

You did well to hold to your (true) version of both stories, and to just walk away from him. His reaction to this is pure narc too; throwing a tantrum and refusing to spend the weekend with you because you’ve ruined it! Eh? His lies caused the situation!

Personally, I’d get rid; this never ends well, least of all for the children. Sorry.

Ummm I would stop speaking to him and have the divorce solicitors handle communications from
now on. How can you live with this?!

YANBU This is cruel callous childish behaviour which isn't in anyway a joke.
Does he do or say other things .. has he always been this way .. or has he just started with this .
Don't accept behaviour like this from a grown man.

This was my first thought! He sounds like he has a personality disorder. I think you are actually down playing it OP.

My ex started out like this. Not long after I first met him he said he was going away with the boys to the grand National. We had find friends on our phone for a specific reason but when I looked I noticed it showed him in Cheltenham racecourse. I mentioned it when he got back, suggesting he got the names muddled up but no he got quite shirty saying he went to the grand National at Aintree and acted all hurt that I was trying to accuse him of something. I felt bad but I just couldn’t work it out. This went on for a couple of years then one day he said of course I was at Cheltenham, whilst laughing at me. so he’d kept it up for around 2 years! I was furious but he thought it was hilarious. He also said he had long hair in a pony tail for years but I never saw any photos of him with long hair, then again one day he laughingly said he’d never had long hair! Jeez, I took everything SO literally. Just stupid, infuriating pointless lies which turned more sinister. I would say ‘did you go to Sainsbury’s today’, and he would immediately get defensive and deny it which was bizarre then I said ‘so you didn’t get the milk I asked you to get last night’ he’d replied ‘Oh yes, I did get that’. Me: so you WERE in Sainsbury’s then! Him: well yes! I genuinely felt like I was losing my sanity. I would find things broken but he would hands down deny that he’d done it. There was only us 2 in the house!. Thats just an example of the type of crazy making lies he would tell to the point that I felt started to lose my grip on reality. He would tell just enough truths and get shitty with me for accusing him of telling lies!. Or he would often say ‘I don’t remember saying that, you’re making it up’ After 5 years I had to end it for my own sanity. I’m so relieved to be away from him and I absolutely have zero tolerance for any ‘banter’ or ‘joking’ that involves mind games.

I think your DH’s silly little lies are much more sinister than you think and you’re very accepting of the other lies he tells. That’s not good OP. My Nan always said, you can trust a thief but you can never trust a liar.

How lovely are you?

It's called gas lighting so you get confused and start self doubting yourself.This is narcissistic behaviour and by the sounds of it could be building up to turn physical.Please be careful.

I'd take whatever he says with a pinch of salt, unless you independently know it to be true.
I'd also think twice about living with someone like this. I'm too busy to deal with having to doubt everything, and it's a terrible example for your kids.

Start logging. Start thinking about your life away from this man.
It may take you a long time - years, even. But there is no future with him.

Think you might be a bit naive to be a therapist.

He sounds like Barry Shitpeas

He is behaving like a child and is not to be trusted. You should worry what other lies he is telling you. My ex husband behaved like this and when I complained he said "you laugh at comedians and their stories".

It doesn’t really matter if DH lied to you because of his father or because he wanted to impress you the fact is he is not respecting you or your relationship together when he does this.
Leaving you heavily pregnant to cope with a child and unpacking so he can go out and drink is diabolical behaviour.
It’s telling you were trying to figure out how to get past the current situation your DH made, surely that’s more up to him since he 💯 caused it.
It sounds like he has never had to get over the childish slightly selfish and self centred teenage stage of life because that’s when he met you and importantly because you always put up with it.
Stop enabling him and tell him to grow up so your joint children don’t think telling lies is a normal part of life and a relationship.

I think you are overreacting. He has just given the neighbour a moniker to refer to him by like 'ugly naked guy'.
The snake thing, he probably just forgot.

“I guess some people are like this. It must be some weird power/ control thing in their head, because they know they have fooled whilst you don't even know you have been fooled. “ @rubbishtowel is spot on.

I find it a bit creepy but also ridiculous as they often lie about stuff that no one really gives a toss about, like previous post- saying people aren’t married when they are.

compulsive / pathological liars are a thing apparently and it’s almost impossible for them to stop doing it. I briefly knew one but couldn’t handle it for more than a couple of months.

@ilikemethewayiam What a mindf**K... I mean Cheltenham /Aintree, long hair /no long hair...

Utterly pointless and completely tiresomely unfunny!

Good on you for getting rid!

Once a liar, always a liar. If something happens that's more important to him than you are, he'll lie. Working late at the office? Just got to meet a colleague? Happened to meet her in town?
From hard experience I know the game. One lie now and I'm done. Think on.

Well said- this is classic narc behaviour, then they gaslight you into thinking that you're mad because they claim never to have said it. Its clearly not a "joke" because there isnt anything inherently funny about a snake nest or someone being called Antonio, neither of those are funny.

Compulsive lying is a red flag for many reasons and I really think you should take care with him, it doesnt bode well at all.

Lying is absolutely toxic and only very naive people do not realise exactly how big a red flag it is.

He had time to come up with a reply that sounds reasonable and makes you the crazy one.

My ex H lies, even when it’s not ‘necessary’ . I don’t think he’d know the truth if it bit him. He lies to cover his cheating but forgets his lies later. Like, I’m going to have dinner with ‘Jane’ tonight. She was my cousin’s fiancée and we always got on . Then a month later, he’s getting a birthday card for real from ‘Jane’ and he says oh she remembers my birthday every year. I haven’t seen her for over 10 years but we send cards. This the woman he told me he just had dinner with.
Turned out the dinner was a cover for a female off a dating site. One of many, I discovered. ‘Jane’ does exist and they do talk on the phone. They never meet up.
If I call him out on a lie, it goes into a rage..Mind, the least thing not going his way sets him off with unwarranted anger. During the rage after being challenged on a lie, I’m crazy , imagining things, he never said that, I dreamed it and believe the dream is real, I’m mentally ill and I need help . Then he will storm off and ignore me, sometimes for days. Suddenly the clouds go and it’s back to normal as if nothing was said. All his exes were crazy, cheated ‘she slept with everyone except me’ is what he said about his ex wife. He was always the victim.
I saw him in his car in his gf’s driveway . Our eyes met. He said ‘Oh , F*’ ‘ I lip read lol.
When he came home he denied being there, like not within 10 miles ..like I’m crazy. So I showed him the photo on my phone of my car driving away on that street…yes, he was in my car.

Never trust someone who lies and denies. If nothing else, they get a kick out of fooling you…makes them feel superior , cleverer than you when you don’t spot it.

My partner works with a man who did lie an awful lot and actually went on a course of some sort to try and stop. Seems it didn't work 100% but all his colleagues know to take anything he says with a pinch of salt.

Mine does this! I'm autistic so I used to just believe him. I now just laugh at him and dismiss things he tells me. I tell him he's chattin' shite or making it up. Of course, most autistics hate inaccurate information, so I really began to feel contempt for him when he did it.

It's an absolutely pathetic thing to do and I don't know what psychological mechanism is at play when they do it. It's the sort of thing an annoying eight year old would do.