DH telling pointless lies

[doolallysally1]

I really need some outside perspective because I feel like I’m losing my mind. I don’t think IBU but DHs reaction is making me feel like I’m crazy.

Here’s a little context before the AIBU (all names mentioned have been changed)

About five months ago DH and I took a walk through a local beauty spot near where we’d recently moved. He points over an area of woodland and says ‘XX from work said he saw an adders nest there’. ‘Oh’ I say, not knowledgable on local wildlife but thought it odd and retained that as an interesting tidbit.

Next contextual detail (bear with me): a few months later, DH comes back from the school run saying he walked back with one of our neighbours who live opposite us who’ve got kids the same age as ours. Said his name is Antonio and he’s from Malta— really cool guy. I log this info away as I see Antonio on the school run and often his wife too.

Then, a few months after that, we’re all in the car and I tell DH that I’ve posted Christmas cards for our families and written them out for the neighbours too— I’ve done XX and XX next door etc etc and Antonio and Belinda (I’ve since found out his wife’s name). DH laughs at me and says ‘Antonio isn’t his name lol I made that up’.

??!?!

‘What do you mean you made it up?’
‘Yeah it went on longer than I meant it to but I made that up. He’s from Malta but his name isn’t Antonio, I dunno what he’s called’

I was genuinely speechless. Thankfully I’d not addressed the card to Antonio and Belinda (I put ‘all at number XX’) but I SO easily could have. It was such a pointless, mean spirited lie that would only serve to seriously embarrass me. He literally saw me writing out the neighbours Christmas cards and didn’t think to mention it then?! I pressed DH on it further (ie why on earth would you do that?!) but he seemed to find it weird that I wouldn’t let it drop (‘it was just a joke chill out’) and I could feel that it was about to become an argument. So in the interest of not ruining the day I let it go but have seethed quietly over it since.

NOW the AIBU. Today we went to that same beauty spot as above for a walk with DC and DH wanted to go slightly off piste. I noticed the area he was heading in the direction of and casually said ‘isn’t that where so and so saw the adder’s nest?’ He furrowed his brow at me and went ‘what?’

I repeated myself and he shook his head and said no he never said that and ofc there aren’t adders here? I pressed the matter, saying yes you said so and so saw an adders nest here. It was about five months ago. He then shrugged and said he made it up.

I then made some gestures over DCs head to see if this weird behaviour was in the interest of not scaring the kids with the thought of snakes (although theyre definitely too young to know what an adder is) but he grew more and more irate saying no, he didn’t know what I was talking about and he probably just made it up.

I then told him I was really annoyed with him because I KNOW he said it and that would be the second pointless lie he’s told me (I reminded him of Antonio) and I’m fed up with it. He told me ‘if you’re going to be like that then go home’ and I, aghast at the total lack of repentance (and freezing bollock cold) said fine but I need the keys and he then threw them at me!!

I stormed off and DC followed, upset, and DH soon after appeared but instead of apologising told me how he didn’t want to even spend the weekend with me and he’s absolutely furious with me for ruining the day?

Did I get worked up over nothing?

I'd be really bothered by this. I think YABU for storming off in front of the kids and making a scene - but I'd keep the upper hand, look at him as if I was puzzled by his behaviour and keep asking him 'but why would you do that? Is it to try and trick me, or confuse me, or are you just a pathological liar and don't realise you're doing it ? Do you understand how weird that is?' Etc etc

I've done it before!
Not a lie, just didn't know his name, Hardly knew him and had no interest in finding out his name so gave him one of my own 🥰

This is exactly the difference between a good partner and a bad one.

I've been through this myself, believe me he will never stop lying, he can't, it's in his psyche.

I think my ex did it because of a lack of self esteem and, ironically, he was trying to make himself sound more credible. Generally he used to pretend to possess knowledge about topics he didn't know about - like he'd try and chip in on comments with the mechanic despite having zero knowledge and he'd end up sounding stupid. If he just listened, he might learn something, he used to have quite an entrenched view of masculinity too.

My OH constantly makes silly facts up. He says he does it because he thinks it’s amusing/comic. Unfortunately the kids are getting older and one is really gullible and often believes him which at some point is going to put her in an embarrassing spot, and the other two never quite know whether to believe him or not, which is not great for a parent. I’ve told him not to do is so many times. I find it irritating and almost never funny. I’ve had 36 years of it. He isn’t doing it maliciously or to make any of us look silly and unlike yours, he doesn’t keep it going but I could imagine him forgetting to tell the kids something was a joke. It seems to be incurable in my OH’s case. But it does sound like your partner is making flippant comments for amsuing effect rather than to deliberately undermine you. The most annoying part of your story is his inability to see why you’re annoyed - mine has the good grace to look sheepish and doesn’t get cross when challenged.

this.
the lying is one (weird!) thing, telling you to shut up, throwing keys at you, gaslighting you by sulking and saying you ruined the day because of what he did - first the lying in the first place but then kicking off rather than just saying 'Yeah I'm sorry, that was weird, let's leave it for now and have a nice walk but we can talk about it later.'

I would make a note of all the lies you remember thus far, and then again as they happen over the year (in your phone or something) so that if it continues you've got evidence and aren't on the back foot. Regardless of if there's a psychological reason for it, it's not normal, and he needs to accept that

So when he lies about having an affair should OP just let that go and blame herself for not doing research. 🙄

I'd have a talk with dh about the affect these 'lies' had on you. I have learnt to tell when my exdh lies - he opens his mouth - and now I just assume everything he says is a lie! Sometimes I wish I could record everything he says to prove he lied.

Ok I think there is more going on here. You seem to be very concerned about being made to look stupid, more than is common. Have you a thing about that stemming from childhood? That sounds like any normal thing that someone would jokingly say. There was a guy in my office once who was called Heston, except he wasn’t and I only found out much later it was because he looked like him. People do that all the time. It’s not a lie - obviously. It’s a joke.

the adder thing is a bit more strange. Surely someone told him that and he just forgot. Unless he regularly makes things up?

but the Antonio thing was just a joke and I think you’re being extremely OTT. I also think you have an insecurity about looking stupid.

Start calling him Walter Mitty and see if that curbs it? He clearly makes so much random shite up to enliven his own life he can’t even remember it (in the case of the adders).

Or query everything in an irritating fact checking fashion. But then I can be quite passive aggressive.

@doolallysally1 I don't know how you stand it. Does he fly off the handle in front of dcs? My dad did and it affected me and siblings badly.

OP my ex H did very similar things. Really dangerous to take anything at face value. He’d lie about times and names and make things up. His favourite was to arrange to meet somewhere, say we were shopping and split for a bit, then just not turn up. This was before mobile phone. He’d just carry on browsing. I did get embarrassed a few times calling or writing wrong names that he had provided. It’s a form of gaslighting and there is absolutely nothing humorous about this type of thing.

Ok I think there is more going on here. You seem to be very concerned about being made to look stupid, more than is common. Have you a thing about that stemming from childhood?

I don't think I have more of an insecurity about looking stupid than the next person to be honest. For me it was that he told me the guy's name in the same casual way he'd tell me he'd picked up milk from the shop so I never thought it was a joke. I think that was the point of the 'joke'. That I would fall for it because it was so throwaway but upon inspection it was a silly stereotype and we'd laugh. Except he never pointed it out.

And I'm not concerned about looking stupid per se, it's more that if I addressed Antonio from Malta as Antonio and his name was actually William it makes it look like I'm making fun of him. A joke that could offend someone at my expense isn't actually very funny to me and I don't think that makes me OTT but that's just me.

If someone told us that story and took it the way that you are taking it, I’d be thinking ok major issues there. I’m a therapist and there is very clearly something there.

He sounds like an awful arsehole...and he has a temper too.
He's no prize.
But I loathe liars.

If it wasn't for the fact that they never had children, I'd be wondering if that was my uncle as that sounds a bit like him. A new girlfriend was explained away as "the Filipino maid", when she moved over here with him he let her think for ages that Edinburgh was pronounced Ed-in-burg-aitch and she only found out that was wrong when she said it to my grandad. While I've always been a bit dubious of this claim, Mum hasn't gone near Love Hearts since the 70s as he had a job at Swizzels back then and came home claiming that all the dust and crap off the floor was swept up at the end of the day and put back into Love Heart mix. He tried to explain the rings by canal towpaths that boats are tied to as "Bulls' graves" when I was about 5. He also thinks it's funny and doesn't know when to shut up.

Walter Mitty didn't lie to anyone.

There are two camps here I notice. One that believes your DH's lies are purposeful and vindictive and another that believes it's just a bit of banter.
Either way, you need to discuss this with him and suggest he talks to someone about it. Lying (when it is not the downright, cheating type) is a very childish beahviour but it is also a learned behaviour. You mention his father as similar ? If you have grown up in a household where telling the truth leads to outbursts or physical violence, you will do or say anything to stop that happening. I know because I was one of those children.
When I reached adulthood, I would often elaborate about silly thing, until I entered a serious relationship with a man who became my husband. He called me out on it, not in a confrontational way, which would probably have resulted in me sabotaging the relationship (sounds as if your DH is doing similar here ie. Flying off the handle, throwing keys etc). However, he was kind ; "I noticed that you say such and such quite a lot. You don't need to make yourself more interesting to me, I love you the way you are" etc .It was a weight off my mind. I said I knew I was doing it but I didn't understand why. I went on to have some counselling and eventually felt safe enough to stop doing it.

Why would you lie about going to do a parkrun?

Well, let's take that one example.
He knew you'd say no so he lied, he did that because he wanted to do it despite you being unwell with pregnancy surrounded by boxes in charge of the other DC.

These "twists" or maybe "social fabrication" may seem insignificant to some but honestly to me they sound sociopathic.

Especially as he then denies saying some of it or loses his temper when challenged.

Honestly this situation gives me the willies, I've been with someone like this, it doesn't get better.

I think it’s a sign of a disordered personality.

The lie is an unhealthy conflict avoidance strategy, the anger is a defence mechanism employed when the lie is caught out and they don't want to admit they did something bad in case they are not loved by someone they love anymore rather than a marker of sociopathy.

The more OP writes the more it feels like a learned response from childhood trauma, like his father overreacting. It's not easy to live with and I heartily sympathise. However I don't think it makes him a bad person, I think it makes him a damaged person. There are very few of us who don't have something in our childhood that was damaging, sometimes we learn ways to cope with the trauma in an unhealthy way like this. He may not even be aware he does it let alone be ready to admit a problem the anger suggests he is aware of something not being right imo.

He and the OP may benefit from some therapy work, OP definitely may because she knows there is an issue and may need an outlet away fromt he family to cope.

Jokes are supposed to be funny and I can’t be doing with people who talk bollocks.
Also he had no respect for you.

Narcissists often make up lies when they’re in the mood to chat when they can think of nothing interesting to say. Telling you to go home because he doesn’t like what you’re saying, throwing the keys at you snd stonewalling you for the rest of the weekend - because you caught him out and expected an explanation- is abusive.