DH telling pointless lies

[doolallysally1]

I really need some outside perspective because I feel like I’m losing my mind. I don’t think IBU but DHs reaction is making me feel like I’m crazy.

Here’s a little context before the AIBU (all names mentioned have been changed)

About five months ago DH and I took a walk through a local beauty spot near where we’d recently moved. He points over an area of woodland and says ‘XX from work said he saw an adders nest there’. ‘Oh’ I say, not knowledgable on local wildlife but thought it odd and retained that as an interesting tidbit.

Next contextual detail (bear with me): a few months later, DH comes back from the school run saying he walked back with one of our neighbours who live opposite us who’ve got kids the same age as ours. Said his name is Antonio and he’s from Malta— really cool guy. I log this info away as I see Antonio on the school run and often his wife too.

Then, a few months after that, we’re all in the car and I tell DH that I’ve posted Christmas cards for our families and written them out for the neighbours too— I’ve done XX and XX next door etc etc and Antonio and Belinda (I’ve since found out his wife’s name). DH laughs at me and says ‘Antonio isn’t his name lol I made that up’.

??!?!

‘What do you mean you made it up?’
‘Yeah it went on longer than I meant it to but I made that up. He’s from Malta but his name isn’t Antonio, I dunno what he’s called’

I was genuinely speechless. Thankfully I’d not addressed the card to Antonio and Belinda (I put ‘all at number XX’) but I SO easily could have. It was such a pointless, mean spirited lie that would only serve to seriously embarrass me. He literally saw me writing out the neighbours Christmas cards and didn’t think to mention it then?! I pressed DH on it further (ie why on earth would you do that?!) but he seemed to find it weird that I wouldn’t let it drop (‘it was just a joke chill out’) and I could feel that it was about to become an argument. So in the interest of not ruining the day I let it go but have seethed quietly over it since.

NOW the AIBU. Today we went to that same beauty spot as above for a walk with DC and DH wanted to go slightly off piste. I noticed the area he was heading in the direction of and casually said ‘isn’t that where so and so saw the adder’s nest?’ He furrowed his brow at me and went ‘what?’

I repeated myself and he shook his head and said no he never said that and ofc there aren’t adders here? I pressed the matter, saying yes you said so and so saw an adders nest here. It was about five months ago. He then shrugged and said he made it up.

I then made some gestures over DCs head to see if this weird behaviour was in the interest of not scaring the kids with the thought of snakes (although theyre definitely too young to know what an adder is) but he grew more and more irate saying no, he didn’t know what I was talking about and he probably just made it up.

I then told him I was really annoyed with him because I KNOW he said it and that would be the second pointless lie he’s told me (I reminded him of Antonio) and I’m fed up with it. He told me ‘if you’re going to be like that then go home’ and I, aghast at the total lack of repentance (and freezing bollock cold) said fine but I need the keys and he then threw them at me!!

I stormed off and DC followed, upset, and DH soon after appeared but instead of apologising told me how he didn’t want to even spend the weekend with me and he’s absolutely furious with me for ruining the day?

Did I get worked up over nothing?

He's just an out and out liar that says whatever he likes for jokes, or to get or do whatever he wants.
How could you be happy with someone like that OP? He has no respect for you, he is completely selfish. I bet whenever he lies to you and you don't realise he gets a huge kick out of it and thinks he's really clever. Much cleverer than silly old you.
I'd say he's ticking boxes for narcissism tbh but if not then at the very least he sounds like a complete twat.

Reminds me of those hideous unfunny Facebook reels where they have set up a prank to make the wife look like a gormless thicko.

How will you know of something he's said is right or just a pathetic lie?

It sounds like he is lying to get out of a perceived trouble he imagines, i.e. not telling you he is in the pub because you might be cross, not telling you about the park run because you will say no etc.

The lie about Antonio could be explained as someone else said, he looked like an Antonio or because he thought you might ask for his name, if he tells you the truth, he never asked the guys name, you might not believe he met him at all.

People often tell these kinds of lies because during childhood they had someone who seriously overreacted to all kinds of minor things. It causes them to tell minor/pointless lies to protect themselves and it becomes habit forming. Could there be someone who did this in your partners childhood?

I wouldn't be comfortable being with someone who can lie so easily and convincingly - I would be wondering what else he's lied about!

This rings very true. His dad flies off the handle at every minor inconvenience (and so does DH tbf) so it makes sense that he might just be telling random lies to cover himself.

The Antonio lie might have been to stop me being annoyed (I wouldn't have been but he might have worried) that he didn't find out the guys name and the adder thing 'I just made it up' was just a thing to say to kill the conversation in case DC caught wind of it.

I'd never thought of it this way before.

I would definitely find it odd but have experienced it myself in a couple of relationship .
I never really did get why people do that unless they are trying to make themselves sound more interesting or whether they just like to make up their own fairytale la la land to live in.
But no you aren’t being unreasonable it’s annoying AF when people tell pointless fibs.

I have close relatives who are like this. I will ask something and they will tell me a lie, I know it's a lie and they know I know but they can't seem to stop it. Habits that form in childhood are so incredibly hard to break. They fly off the handle at some really minor stuff as well, it's a learned defence response to perceiving an imminent attack. It's devastating to a small child to feel they need to defend themselves, it's quite shocking how it affects them all through their lives.

Over the years I've explained that I know and understand but I find it frustrating that they lie and I won't be upset but I'd rather they just told the truth, whatever it is. Over the years we've got to the stage that they will telll the lie and after a little time has passed will tell me the truth. When they tell the lie or the truth I don't respond in any way shape or form, that way they have come to trust I won't be cross, frustrated, or blame them for anything, they are then more comfortable in telling me the truth. The flying off the handle has lessened too.

It's hard to do and takes a lot of time but it's about trust. He's never going to be perfect in that but if he can come to trust you won't behave in the manner he is expecting, he may manage his anger better and stop telling so many odd pointless lies.

My father did this all the time, he told pointless lies, but I think a lot of men do this, and get annoyed when women recall these lies, and hold them to account.

@doolallysally1

This would really annoy me.
It reeks of lack of self esteem and this is his way of getting the upper hand over others.

While his other lies are self serving and are to get his own way without having to communicate effectively his point of view, and also risk not getting his own way, these serve no purpose other than either amusing himself at your expense, or trying to appear more interesting.

For the Antonio thing - is it possible that Antonio was just a name filler he was using as he didn't know tha name? DH and I both do this with each other when talking about some one whose name we don't know. Normally we use a slightly unusual or ridiculous name (eg a name we would be unlikely to know someone called - Antonio would fit the bill for us), intended to be vaguely humorous, which is the clue that it's not the real name. This is a not uncommon practice within at least two of my social circles.

The above may be a bit grasping at straws as I have no similar possible explanation for the adder story, but thought I'd offer it up for you to consider if it could be what was going on with "Antonio".

My dad used to lie a lot to my mum and it wound her up, so no, you’re not unreasonable.

I have the exact same thing with my DH. There are a lot of outright lies that I have caught him out on or extreme embellishments. I had taken DS away for a mother and son holiday and also to give DH a break, DH kept in contact via phone and seemed to have extensive personal knowledge of the area we were staying at (3 day holiday). After some time later from the holiday I asked him a question about the area and where he went when he was a child and he said he had never been.
We rarely argue but one time we had a small dispute and I had left perfectly normally to walk the dog. I then got a WhatsApp message from DH slagging me off and lying about the argument plus vastly inflating what the argument had been about and that I had “stormed out” of the house (when I had not!). DH had sent the message to me by mistake when it should have been sent to his family group chat. I messaged him back and put “you have just sent this to your wife.” Got home and he started blustering about it. No apologies were given to me. He’s done this before and been caught out. I don’t get on with MIL anyway but DH loves drama. It’s infuriating!

It sounds exhausting to live with. At the risk of sounding overdramatic, this is the kind of behaviour that would have me insisting on couples counselling. I don’t mind white lies but he’s telling out and out falsehoods.

They seem to break down into two types:

Big lies so he doesn’t get into trouble or gets to do what he wants: telling you he’s at work when he’s at the pub; 40-min run vs three-hour park run.

Random shite that pops into his head: Antonio, adders.

The latter reminds me a bit of DP – who doesn’t lie but doesn’t remember stuff either (ADHD). So in his case a colleague could tell him about adders, he could relay that to me; I’d remember but it would instantly drop out of his head, so if I raised it months later he’d dent it completely. He also makes up names not as a lie but because he has no memory for them; his brain seems to convince him of someone’s name and the more you say, “She’s not Miranda, she’s Belinda” the more he hears “Miranda” because by the back half of the sentence his brain has wandered off.

I would tell him that if he doesn’t stop the lies, it’s going to make you think he lies about everything. Maybe start asking him ‘Are you sure that’s true?’ to bring home he is leaving himself open to be labelled a habitual liar.

You are not being unreasonable. I don't like liars, it's a big deal for me. I believe if people lie about the little things then they lie about the big things. His lies are very strange. Does he have some kind of personality disorder? I just don't get why he would lie about such stupid things.

I came on to say this.
My DDad used to do this , my Dmum spent years getting him to realise that its better to tell the truth.
However they had been together since aged 16 and she saw the reason behind the lies ( to save himself from a beating - parent with MH issues).

He doesn't sound great. Make sure you are independent and can plan an exit if that's what you decide to do in the future.

I couldn't put up with that sort of nonsense. You need an adult partner and teammate, not another child and a silly, lying one at that. You shouldn't have to worry about whether or not he's lying to you all the time.

Truly? Yes. They are silly lies and sometimes a SOH get you through. Adders nest I would have questioned myself or investigated it and not taken his word for it. And as for the name thing it something to laugh about of they are friends- this has happened to a few people I know, if it every came to it, ssy your husband misheard the name. Life is short and truly, there are bigger things to get worked up about.

Have you actually read the post? The OP os more than correct in getting worked up about this.

He sounds like a knob. Ignore him till he’s stopped being in nappies

I’m surprised at the people who are minimising this behaviour. He doesn’t sound great at all - flies off the handle and lies about big things and small things. I would find the lying very disrespectful at a deep level.

Just to offer a couple of different perspectives.

1. My DH would do things like this - because he's genuinely forgotten. He wouldn't remember that he'd said about an adder's nest and he would have forgotten the name of the neighbour but it was a bit like Antonio so he just said that and expected me to work out that, that wasn't necessarily his real name. We've both had to work on this - him to realise that if I say he's said something he doesn't remember, he has to accept that he might have forgotten, and for me to realise that he has genuinely forgotten and is not just winding me up
2. Also my DH! He would say things like this as a joke, expecting me to work out that they were a joke (the Italian neighbour is called sterotypical Italian name) and not realise that I took them as serious. Or, once the joke had fallen flat, it wasn't worth labouring the point.

We once had a neighbour called BobbleBill. Because DH couldn't remember his name but thought it was "Bob or Bill". I misheard DH and thought he said BobbleBill. And DH didn't correct me as he thought it was funny and I couldn't possibly think that was actually neighbour's name. But for quite a while I thought that was neighbour's name - until I found out it was Steve (genuinely, yes DH's memory is that bad).
We laughed about it. It was funny. It wasn't worth any sort of reaction and none of it was malicious.

He wouldn't make a very reliable witness in court would he?

Gosh I wouldn’t believe a word he says after that