DH telling pointless lies

[doolallysally1]

I really need some outside perspective because I feel like I’m losing my mind. I don’t think IBU but DHs reaction is making me feel like I’m crazy.

Here’s a little context before the AIBU (all names mentioned have been changed)

About five months ago DH and I took a walk through a local beauty spot near where we’d recently moved. He points over an area of woodland and says ‘XX from work said he saw an adders nest there’. ‘Oh’ I say, not knowledgable on local wildlife but thought it odd and retained that as an interesting tidbit.

Next contextual detail (bear with me): a few months later, DH comes back from the school run saying he walked back with one of our neighbours who live opposite us who’ve got kids the same age as ours. Said his name is Antonio and he’s from Malta— really cool guy. I log this info away as I see Antonio on the school run and often his wife too.

Then, a few months after that, we’re all in the car and I tell DH that I’ve posted Christmas cards for our families and written them out for the neighbours too— I’ve done XX and XX next door etc etc and Antonio and Belinda (I’ve since found out his wife’s name). DH laughs at me and says ‘Antonio isn’t his name lol I made that up’.

??!?!

‘What do you mean you made it up?’
‘Yeah it went on longer than I meant it to but I made that up. He’s from Malta but his name isn’t Antonio, I dunno what he’s called’

I was genuinely speechless. Thankfully I’d not addressed the card to Antonio and Belinda (I put ‘all at number XX’) but I SO easily could have. It was such a pointless, mean spirited lie that would only serve to seriously embarrass me. He literally saw me writing out the neighbours Christmas cards and didn’t think to mention it then?! I pressed DH on it further (ie why on earth would you do that?!) but he seemed to find it weird that I wouldn’t let it drop (‘it was just a joke chill out’) and I could feel that it was about to become an argument. So in the interest of not ruining the day I let it go but have seethed quietly over it since.

NOW the AIBU. Today we went to that same beauty spot as above for a walk with DC and DH wanted to go slightly off piste. I noticed the area he was heading in the direction of and casually said ‘isn’t that where so and so saw the adder’s nest?’ He furrowed his brow at me and went ‘what?’

I repeated myself and he shook his head and said no he never said that and ofc there aren’t adders here? I pressed the matter, saying yes you said so and so saw an adders nest here. It was about five months ago. He then shrugged and said he made it up.

I then made some gestures over DCs head to see if this weird behaviour was in the interest of not scaring the kids with the thought of snakes (although theyre definitely too young to know what an adder is) but he grew more and more irate saying no, he didn’t know what I was talking about and he probably just made it up.

I then told him I was really annoyed with him because I KNOW he said it and that would be the second pointless lie he’s told me (I reminded him of Antonio) and I’m fed up with it. He told me ‘if you’re going to be like that then go home’ and I, aghast at the total lack of repentance (and freezing bollock cold) said fine but I need the keys and he then threw them at me!!

I stormed off and DC followed, upset, and DH soon after appeared but instead of apologising told me how he didn’t want to even spend the weekend with me and he’s absolutely furious with me for ruining the day?

Did I get worked up over nothing?

If it’s any consolation you won’t need to worry about Adders in January. And they don’t have nests. They have colonies.

The Antonio thing sound like a bit of a (racist) joke, so yeah weird and a turn off.

While the Antonio joke doesn't actually sound funny it does sound like you missed it being a joke. The 'adder story' could also have been an attempt at a joke.

Is it possible your aren't picking up on the silent clues when something is a joke like body language and instead logging jokes as 'fact' though?

My mam and DS are autistic and while they are really good at most things they are just ever so slightly 'off' socially and in general the 'joke' thing is one of their biggest 'tells'. 'Inappropriate reaction to humor' is actually the main reason people (like the school etc...) started suggested testing for my DS. They both struggle not to take jokes as straight facts and well repeat them as facts or explain the logic of why its 'wrong'.

YANBU. My Dad does this and it's so frustrating. Constant, tiny, meaningless lies that has eroded my trust in every story and anecdote he ever tells. I don't think he has any clue what damage it does...

OP someone said up thread about how sometimes people lie because of stuff that happened in their childhood.

I often avoid telling people things I think might upset them or make them angry because when I was a child I had a very unpredictable mother who would blow up about seemingly random things so I was always terrified of telling her stuff incase she went mad.

I’ve gone to therapy about it because it got really bad and I was getting terrible anxiety about telling people things which weren’t even that bad and would lie to avoid having to tell them which of course made everything much worse.

You're not being unreasonable.

I've joked around with my wife, for example she asked me what a particular plant was and I told her it was a triffid.

The difference here is I didn't leave her believing an untrue thing and if she gets upset with me, I don't get angry, I get sad.

The worst thing in the world to me is when she is upset, makes me feel awful, especially if I'm the cause of it.

I don't want to feel that way.

Getting angry over someone being upset over being lied to seems like horrible behaviour to me, and also tone deaf to the situation they caused, not you.

It doesn't get any better OP, and as someone else said it is a complete mind fuck.

Start planning your escape, preferably before you start losing your mind/self worth. He will lie to the children too and warp their reality. It is really telling that he won't apologise - that is a man who hold zero respect for you as a person.

It can be hard to live with, yes. We've been together since we were teenagers so I suppose I've gotten used to it.

I'm a very practical, just-get-on-with-it person when faced with adversary so whenever we've had crises and DH freaks out, I just get on with it! But tbh now with two DC I'm a little worn out.

And the kids are witnessing his ‘freaking out’, i.e. anger and aggression (throwing keys).

If your DH learned his behaviour from his dad. Your kids are learning it from him.

It’s not acceptable and needs to stop. Parents need to model acceptable behaviour for their kids.

Of course parents have disagreements. But they need to be mindful of teaching kids how to disagree. You don’t disagree by saying nothing and putting up with things. You disagree by calmly saying you have a different view and what you need from people.

I asked him about the Antonio thing again last night and he said it was just a joke and he meant to announce it as such five minutes later but forgot. Like you say, I think when he said it he expected me to clock it but I didn't.

In fairness, 'Antonio's' name is equally as stereotypical (we received a card back with names!)

The adder thing seemed to be forgetfulness. DH swore he'd forgotten telling me that and perhaps a colleague did see one but when I reminded him that day he genuinely couldn't remember having told me that. I have a much better memory than him and we often have situations where I'll bring something up that he has no recollection of. It was the claiming that he'd 'probably made it up' that triggered my fury after the Antonio incident!

He maintains that I behaved bizarrely by going home over something so inconsequential. 🙄

I have a 'friend' like this. Tells very bizarre and quite believable lies but isn't smart enough to remember them or keep her story straight from person to person. It's actually ruined our friendship and although civil, I don't believe a word she says. It's very odd.

This made me feel very emotional 🥺

He lies, he is short tempered, he threw keys at you in front of the kids. You are used to it and just get on with it because you have been with him since you were a teenager. I think you and your children deserve much better than this op. He sounds vile.

I have a dad like lots of the 'DPs' described in this thread and it really messed with my head and our relationship - just in case anyone is trying to convince themselves it's harmless behaviour from their partner, just a bit of annoyance... just be very wary of the long term impact on your kids, just because they 'seem fine' with it now doesn't mean that's going to be the case long term - obviously we are all different, but my dad just didn't know when to stop, and like the OPs husband didn't feel bad when we pointed out that it was annoying/hurtful, just got annoyed that we didn't see the funny side of it and kept doing it even though he knew it caused upset - he sees himself as a 'wind up merchant' but he never actually pays attention to if people are still laughing with him (because he doesn't actually care, it's all about him, what he intended by it, how he wants to feel doing it)

That would drive me insane. It’s like being gaslit. He tells pointless lies then acts like you’re insane when you bring it up. If I were you I’d feel like he was treating me with complete contempt.

“It’s a joke” is a red flag too. Jokes are supposed to be funny.

My cousin’s ex partner is a liar. Started out with small, insignificant lies. He’d tell me they were buying a house in the Lakes, show me pictures (neither had a job). He’d say my cousin wasn’t there when her mum rang (she was) just loads of weird pointless lies.

18 years later, my cousin has severe mental health issues, has tried to take her life about 15 times, has been ra*ed by him, physically and mentally abused for years, he’s turned her kids against her. He told her he was taking her son to live in Turkey, sent pictures on the plane, when they were there but it was just a holiday.

He’s the worst of the worst and the most compulsive liar and narcissist I’ve ever known. I genuinely hate the man. All those seemingly insignificant lies were huge indications of who he was.

Tread very carefully. Personally, I couldn’t be with a liar. My ex lied but it was to cover up his cheating and stuff like that. Whilst that is not acceptable, I understand the lies. It’s the pointless lies that are more sinister.

Hate a liar. You can't trust him. He's pathetic, childish and won't change.

It's up to you what you do. I'd be looking at how to end the relationship and start afresh with the children as soon as I could. Life's too short to stay with a man who makes you uneasy about what comes out of his mouth.

If he tells lies all the time you can never be sure when he's telling the truth, I would not want to be with someone like that.

100%. A person who thinks it’s a ‘joke’ to tell lies, leaves someone believing the lies (because they’re not in on, or haven’t got, the ‘joke’), then flies off the handle when they’re later challenged on it, appears to think it’s funny to leave someone doubtful, confused, bewildered and feeling crazy. That’s a power thing.

Urgh, 'it was just a joke' is the default childish excuse for all the childish behaviours that came before.
It's only a joke once they get pulled up on it, I notice.

Walter Mitty's fantasies were all interior, not involving lying to others.

https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/1939/03/18/the-secret-life-of-walter-mitty-james-thurber

Doubtful it’s dementia because it’s deliberate and he’s effecting. Dementia is more about saying things that clearly aren’t true, but it’s because the person actually believes what they are saying.

His reaction about you “ruining the day” was definitely unnecessary and uncalled for.

That said, Antonio from Malta did make me chuckle a little—both my husband and I have made up names for neighbors we don’t really know 🙈😬. I also made up names for footballers and managers because I can't be bothered to remember their real names - but when I do use the made up names at leash we can laugh about it and he knows exactly who I'm talking about.

It sounds like he might have been winding you up about the adder nest and then completely forgot he even said it, which could explain his reaction. But still, joking aside, his response after you got upset wasn’t okay.

That should say ‘deflecting’, not ‘effecting’. Bloody autocorrect !!

Yes - that's exactly what I thought.
For some people the root cause of their lies is narcissism/self-aggrandisement, for others it's maladaptive escapism/fantasy. Some people have such a pathological case of "central character" syndrome that they think the truth is whatever suits them or makes them look best at the time (I can think of several politicians of whom this is true). If they're caught out in a lie it tends to provoke narcissistic rage - a tantrum because the balloon has been popped on their central character fantasy.

You wont change it. It's firmly established.

You could be talking about my ex (in fact I'm wondering if you are) he used to lie routinely about alsorts. Often, the truth was no worse than the lie so it wasn't even benefitting him in anyway. I used to hear him talking to family on phone and just twisting the truth - for no good reason whatsoever. I'd call him out and say why did you lie, the truth was fine and he'd deny lying - like I hadn't just heard it with my own ears.

It was really difficult to know where I stood with him because I knew he was just a perpetual liar.

He told me ALL his exes had cheated on him and I thought how unlucky (and a bit odd) when I broke up with him - because he was a knob head, he told ME I'd cheated, like it was just a fact. It wasn't and I hadn't but I know he must have told his family and friends that.

I don't know how you'd manage that long term. I found it really difficult not knowing if something totally inconsequential - or worse - something pertinent was true or not.